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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Ex still gets into my head and it wears me out.

32 replies

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 14:49

I am still frightened of my ex and deal with him by way of 'keep your enemies closer' to be able to keep an eye on what he is up to and try and avoid or preempt unpleasant surprises.

The children and I stlll live in the family home which is on the market. They are ok-ish about seeing him, but are not interested in a closer relationship with their father. They are sixteen and eleven years old. Their dad, however, won't leave us alone and relentlessly tries to creep back into our family life. It doesn't help that the house doesn't sell. He thinks I am obligated to him when he buys birthday and Christmas presents for the children or looks after our youngest for a morning when she is ill - I work full time. He does not pay any child maintenance. He has three companies and the CMS are unable to assess him properly. If I don't accommodate his requests to spend time with us, he sends me nasty texts send I just had a series of abusive texts, as I stood my ground and did not invite him to Christmas dinner - he came round in the morning, but I asjed him to leave, in particular after he gave me an unpleasant card.

These texts and accusations really get to me and I cannot get them out of my head. What's the cure for this - it's just an endless series of abuse and beratings!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 26/12/2015 14:52

So, he pays nothing and your kids don't really care?

Tell him, via a solicitor, to fuck off.

Make 2016 your year. Let the house sell as it will and ignore him. Save any text, so if he is stupid enough to start any court proceedings, you can show why you only want to communicate via a solicitor. But most of all, block his stupidity from your brain.

Live happy xx

Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 14:57

Hi,
well, there is some really good news and that's that your children are old enough now to decide if and when to see him, and actually, that is the limit of your responsibility towards this utter horror of a man, by the sound of it.

You don't have to let him into your life at all now. You can let your solicitor deal with the house sale and as for other finances, he isn't paying you anything and you're not paying him anything, so thats really simple.

What do you need to have contact for?

Also what are you afraid of about him? If it's the texts, then change your number and don't give him the new one. He can text them to arrange to meet up with them - outside the family home. They can liaise with you and show you the texts and if he starts being abusive towards them, you just cut contact completely.

He's playing you. He's a wanker. Please put your foot down - no big announcement - just stop responding to his threats and intimidation.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 14:59

Thank you, OurBlanche - I need to block his stupidity from my brain and stop trying to reason with him. This morning, after a lovely Christmas Day on our own, his horrible texts were the first thing I saw and they have kept coming! We have been through the courts, he got arrested, spent time in prison for assaulting me - to no avail - I am still 'the bad person' and the 'real abuser'.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 15:03

Ok. Listen - he is harassing you. This is against the law, and you can stop it if you're willing to stop having phone contact with the guy.

Think of ways round it - can someone else have your 11yo if she is poorly? Is that the only thing you need him for?

If so then you can change your number or you can block him, if your phone does that kind of thing, or you can send him one text, keeping a copy, asking him not to contact you further on that number. Say that if he does so you will involve the police - they will speak to him and act if he keeps texting you after that.

Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 15:05

Also - you need to get angry about this. He's taking the piss. Maybe speak to your solicitor and ask their advice? It sounds like you are afraid if you say no, or stand up to him, he will get worse?

It's like bullying - the only way to stop it is to stand up to it.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 15:06

He uses the house to pressurise me and his access rights - he wanted a skip over Christmas to have an excuse to loiter round the house all Christmas - I said no - and now I am apparently being obstructive to the sale. Whenever I deny his requests to accommodate him, he will suddenly find a reason to need access to the house and be horrible about it. I have to accommodate this to an extent.

I cannot block him, or change my number, due to arrangements with the house and the estate agent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 15:09

Pipistrella - he is the most evil and manipulative person you can imagine. Getting angry will make me look like a crazy person and standing up to him will result in threats of the worst kind.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 15:09

I see what you mean, but is there a way to arrange all access to the house via solicitors? That way he can't piss about.

Also - access to the children - is that court ordered, or casual? If it's not gone through court then he has NO rights whatsoever and would have to go through the process to get contact.

Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 15:11

Ok, you need more help with this I think.

I would speak to your solicitor, definitely. Outline your concerns. He shouldn't be able to get away with this when your children are well old enough to decide for themselves. Obviously once the house is sold, and you are formally separated/divorced (are you?) he has no ower over you at all and anything he then tries can be stopped with a few court orders and such.

Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 15:13

*power

btw you have clearly been dealing with this for a very long time. I am sorry if my advice comes across as a bit ridiculous. I didn't know the context.

You definitely need to get everything into perspective, figure out with legal help what he is allowed to do and what he isn't, and then get some proper boundaries in place and stick to them - and insist he does too.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 15:24

No - thank you for talking to me - it has been a long process and a very complicated one and it is far from over.

He never respects any boundaries. He is constantly pestering, manipulating, threatening, harassing, complaining and accusing me of things.

Bizarrely enough, I feel sorry for him. He is lonely and he is the father of my children. So I let him guilt- trip me into letting him spend time with us.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/12/2015 16:07

Yes, it does sound like you see him as your responsibility, but that makes your life a bit crap, so I suppose it is a question of looking at whether you want this to continue or not.

Some people will take the piss long after their right to any sympathy has expired...if you turned it round, and asked yourself whether you would behave has he has done, in the circumstances - that will give you your answer as to what's reasonable and what isn't.

I wish you luck in dealing with this. It does sound like he's a very unpleasant character, just remember there are no laws anywhere that insist you treat him in a certain manner other than with basic humanity, as you would any unpleasant stranger in the street.

Also I'm sure you're aware that your children will be taking their model of how to interact from you - so try not to let him treat you badly, because then they will let that happen to them, too.

Take care and I hope you manage to find a way x

bloodyteenagers · 26/12/2015 16:56

Talk to a solicitor.
Even with the house stuff, you should still be able to get a restraining order prohibiting him from contacting you directly. Which should include coming to the house.

Take back control.
He sends the texts and the rest of it because he wants you to fear him. The only way things can change is from you. He's not suddenly going to wake up and be nice. But legally you can get him to stop, and if this means he goes back inside well that's his own fault.
All you are responsible for is the welfare of you and the dc's. THat's it.

Don't fell guilty. This is what he wants. It's part of his control. It's not your fault he is a nasty person.

You are no longer in a relationship for a reason. People don't break up if there is no reason. Remember all those things he has done to you and use those memories to give you the strength to take back the control.

Unless you start doing something you will be dealing with this shit for at least another 7 years...Think about it.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 26/12/2015 17:17

Thank you both - I knew I needed another dose of Mumsnet to see sense.

OP posts:
Suddenlyseymour · 26/12/2015 17:26

Plus I take it a lot of this harassment is via text? There's your evidence and ammunition. - right there. You can take steps to keep him away from you and your home....

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 26/12/2015 23:54

yeah. remember you are the toad slayer... slayer I tell you! defeat him in your head first. kick him out of your head. stop feeling guilty about him. (easier said than done but give yourself a good talking to when you feel that way)

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 30/12/2015 13:45

Yes Blackeyed - and there was me hoping for a peaceful New Year.

The battle is back on - with some predictably bad news from 'The Dark One' Toad.

OP posts:
Jux · 30/12/2015 16:50

Hey, remember you are strong and clever and your own woman. It might not feel like it, but you are.

He is taking the piss; he always does and will as long as it affords him even the teeniest smidgin of power. Keep records, document all his contact/piss taking. If you haven't been, then start today, and try to remember as much as a year back if you can, the closer the dates the better, but, eg, Oct 2013 will do. It's a pain, but it will build up a good picture for your sol and the Court of what he is like and what you and the children have to endure.

How are you all, otherwise?

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 16:55

"I feel sorry for him"

Therein lies your problem. Until you get over that, he will always have the power to hurt you.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 30/12/2015 23:51

Hi Jux and AF - thank you both!

I tried to have a sensible discussion with Toad which is always a big mistake. I must not try to reason with him, it always ends badly for me. As much as I feel sorry for him, he is also getting on my nerves constantly whining and complaining. I explained that it would be fine to include him in some activities, but mostly he does not enjoy what we like doing, such as outdoor activities and we also need to live our own lives.

Backfired big time. He announced that he would add an extra clause to our financial settlement to regulate contact (with a 16 year old Grin) otherwise he would not pay a penny and the settlement is apparently not a legal document anyway, according to Toad. Oh. To start with, he doesn't pay anything so that does not really make any difference until the house is sold and I do believe it is not legal to make financial threats if your ex or kids don't do as they are told.

I am so fed up with all that constant game playing. Almost three years later and I am still worried what he will do next to scare us. I finally got some time off work and I spend most of it agonising over Toad.

Apart from that, we're ok, Jux, thank you. I have an ok-ish job that we can live on and that's great. Toad has of course been trying to get his hands on my salary, unsurprisingly. He just cannot stand the thought that we are independent and we don't want him around.

He got arrested and imprisoned when he wanted to meet us on holiday and assaulted me. However, the effect of this did not last long and he soon overcame the experience.

I have now blocked him on everything, but this then makes me worry that I don't know what he is planning next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 30/12/2015 23:55

Jux I have deleted all the messages and emails - not enough storage! We had a PO over the other day who phoned him from our house after I showed him some of Toad's emails. He warned him to stop this nonsense and not do anything stupid and he was great.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 31/12/2015 00:08

I remember some of your past issues...

I know it is complicated...Are the CMS doing nothing if they can't assess properly...

I think the more distance the better...

I would also be returning to your sols

amarmai · 31/12/2015 00:15

as you will have to move when the house is sold, can you move now ? I'd be keeping my address a secret and blocking him every which way electronically. Print out the nastiness, then delete and as far as possible delay reading-in fact can you get someone else to do the reading and the answering after they check with you? You need to distance yourself NOT keep this enemy close. Load of nonsense that saying! Does it work for you?

Jux · 31/12/2015 00:18

Good! Sounds like a policeman who knows his job!

Glad to hear you're working, it's a distraction at any rate. How on earth could he hope to get his hands on your salary? Did he phone your employers and tell them to pay it into his account? Grin. TBH, I wouldn't put it past him!

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 31/12/2015 00:43

starryOne the CMS only assess what he pays himself as salary and that's not a lot, as he is taking most of his income in dividends.

I sent off an email to my solicitor earlier.

amarmal we have a contact regarding the house and that he has to provide a home for the children - at the moment he declares the contract nil and void though. Until the house is sold I cannot access any funds to help me move. Keeping my distance does not work for us, as he will then think up some evil surprise, but at the end of the day I spend too much time second guessing what he may be up to next if we do not fulfill his requests. However, it worries me if I think I may not see him coming and then I am on the back foot.

Jux he tried to persuade me that the kids and I would have to pay rent as he does not live here.

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