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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has 15 yo

28 replies

childlesschildfree · 22/12/2015 15:33

I am curious as to what your thoughts are in relation to my situation I am a childless by circumstance woman (early menopause). I married a man with a daughter. She is now 15 yo. DH was not married to daughter's mum. His daughter's mum has never worked - she claims she cannot work as she is a 'full time mum'. We pay a 1/3 of our salary towards daughter upkeep each month. We would like to adopt. I do not think it is unreasonable for daughter's mum to start working 15 yo is old to me. What do you think?

OP posts:

5BlueHydrangea · 22/12/2015 15:36

Who funds her then? She wouldn't be entitled to much benefit wise if that's the only reason not to work. They are getting better at sorting out the workshy..

mumblechum1 · 22/12/2015 15:38

There are a few questions here so let's break it down:

Normally, if parents are not married the father only pays child maintenance. He does not pay maintenance to the mother. So the most he should be paying is 15% of his net income after tax,NI and pension contributions. Why is he paying any more than that?

You shouldn't be paying any of his child maintenance (I note you say that you pay 1./3 of "our" salary.

When you say you wish to adopt, you don't mean the 15 yo do you? You meant presumably that you and your dh wish to go through the adoption procedure for another child and are concerned about paying the costs of that? Or have I got that wrong?

In any case, your dh should cancel the current direct debit and set up one for 15% of net income. He should notify the mother at least a month in advance to give her time to get her head around the change, but she has no legal right to claim anything for herself.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 15:40

You can think what you like, but you really can't force someone else to work. Or ever really know the full reasons why they're not.

Was this really just a thread for you to bitch about your step daughter's mother?

SparklyTinselTits · 22/12/2015 15:40

If there's no illness or disability preventing the mother from working, then she should have started working when the daughter was 5 not 15!!
At least your DSD has you and her dad as examples of good work ethic

smilingeyes79 · 22/12/2015 15:42

Go on to www.cmoptions.org
That's the new child support website. There is an online calculator on there for you to help with how much should be paid. It is worked out on your DH wage only. Under old scheme is was 15% of net income allowing for a pension too

Tiggeryoubastard · 22/12/2015 15:42

He pays a third of his salary and you pay a third of yours? Why the fuck would you do that? Keeping the idle mare on her arse. Stop it now. Pay csa or whatever they're calling it this year minimum. She's had more than enough.

user7755 · 22/12/2015 15:44

Brace yourself.

You will be told that it was your choice to have a relationship with a man with kids and that she should not miss out because your dh wants another family. You will also be told that it's none of your business what ex-wife does or doesn't do.

FWIW, we adopted 2 when DH had 2 kids from his first marriage who we were paying maintenance for and it worked fantastically. AS1 (only calling him that in order to differentiate between them all) has his birthday soon and we didn't think DSKs could make it - he is so happy today because they can come ('and I get to see my brother and sister on my birthday')

At 15 presumably it won't be that long that you are still paying out to ex-wife? I'd say go for it, you will manage (and adopting a family is a bloody amazing thing to do, never a regret).

Funinthesun15 · 22/12/2015 15:46

Why are you paying 1/3 of your/his salary?

You need to work out how much you are required to pay

By all means pay more if you can, but 1/3 of salary is a heck of a lot and probably allowing ex to not work

OllyBJolly · 22/12/2015 15:50

You pay a third of your combined salary as child maintenance?

I don't think your husband's first child should suffer because you and your DH want to start another family. If the amount of child maintenance is as significant as that then that is a lot of money to lose. It will be very difficult for the DM to get any kind of reasonable job having been out of the workplace so long. Whatever, this is between the parents of the DD. I guess your DH agreed to the payments at the outset.

Adoption is a long process. The DD may well have left school and be financially independent by the time the process completes and therefore the situation is resolved. Or, she may decide to go to university and it's only right her parents should support that.

FWIW, I was a working single parent all my DCs lives and the time I found hardest - and the only time I had to take time off - was during the teenage years.

OllyBJolly · 22/12/2015 15:51

cross posted with user !

VinoTime · 22/12/2015 15:55

Why the hell doesn't she have a job?!

NA200712 · 22/12/2015 16:03

I'm all for stay at home mums, I think they deserve a medal actually....but I don't think you can be classed as a stay at home mum when the "child" is 15 years old... that's actually quite laughable. She just sounds lazy to me.

With regards to the maintenance, go onto the child maintenance calculator and see what your husband should be paying based on HIS wage alone. Your wage shouldn't even come into it.

Original poster

childlesschildfree · 22/12/2015 16:05

Thank you for

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 16:05

1/3 of your combined salary - sounds way too much.

the thing is after 15 years, the woman will likely say she can't get work.

and your DH might well pay for his daughter to attend uni, so that won't get any cheaper. I'm a bit unclear why you are paying so much. Do you know how much of it actually goes for daughter - are you sure the mother isn't spending it on herself? If she has no other source of income, then she must be?

Original poster

childlesschildfree · 22/12/2015 16:13

Than you for your thoughts and help.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 22/12/2015 16:16

Where did you get the idea you needed to pay that much? I would calculate how much you are legally required to pay, and if your partner wishes to do anything above that, maybe it could go directly to the daughter - give her money for clothes or put money in a savings account for her.

AuntieStella · 22/12/2015 16:16

The CSA levels are the minimum the state will force a parent to pay.

If he wants to pay more, that it a very good thing and I would say to be applauded (except I don't think generosity towards your DC should be worthy of exceptional mention).

Yes, if it becomes unaffordable at the current level, he can scale back. But it would be very unfair to do so without giving reasonable notice of the change coming.

If she has not secured other income streams in the time since their split, that was very silly and short-sighted of her.

Cabrinha · 22/12/2015 16:19

There will be a reason that he agreed maintenance (and spousal support?) that is higher than minimum.

Why?

I don't think anyone can say whether it's fair or not without knowing the facts. He was happy with it before.

Is it a third of his income or equivalent to a third of your household income? In which case maybe we're talking half of his. Which seems very surprising. But - did she give up other assets and agree a bigger maintenance so that he didn't have to find money to buy her out back then? In which case, it may not be an unfair amount at all.

Even if she's lazy and he's stupid, he committed to it and it has been in place for some time. Therefore, I think he should give very reasonable notice before changing it - perhaps 6 months, if changing it will mean something like a house sale.

Sunnyshores · 22/12/2015 16:20

Although the legal limit to pay may be 15%, it does depend what agreement your DH and ex came to. Lots of scenarios where maybe ethically she should be supported more - she was with him for 20 years, she gave up her multimillion pound job to be a 'housewife' and then SAHM, he felt guilty about leaving and overpays her?

Anyway, its impossible to answer what he should pay her/DD and whether it is reasonable to expect her to now find work.

Cabrinha · 22/12/2015 16:25

Oh I just saw he wasn't married before, so she would have legally had no assets to claim or spousal claim. She may have had a moral claim that he has stood by.

Did his salary drop? It seems very surprising that he ever agreed to more than a third of his income, which it must be if it's a third of your income.

Does it perhaps include enough to make a mortgage payment for the house they live him but he has kept the ownership of it? Guessing of course, but it seems a strange situation to have got himself into when they weren't even married!

Sunnyshores · 23/12/2015 15:33

why does it seem 'strange' to people that he is supporting his child more than the legal peanuts she would have been awarded as the unmarried mother of his child.

If he had married her it would have been 50%, probably the family home and spousal support for life (not saying thats right), so if they had been together a long time and he choses to recognize her and his child as similarly worthy - then good for him, Im suprised people arent applauding him rather than suggesting he decreases his support.

x2boys · 23/12/2015 18:12

Wether the mother refuses to work or not is irrelevant ( and if she's claiming benefits then they won't let her get away with not working )
Only your dh wage should be taken into consideration when paying maintenance not yours and as others have said legally he only has to pay 15%

Tiggeryoubastard · 23/12/2015 20:29

It seems strange that she is being paid 1/3 of BOTH their salaries because the op's salary shouldn't be counted, certainly not when he's already paying double what he should of his own salary. Also, we don't know if the home was in joint names and what she got from that. Also, it's highly unlikely she'd have got spousal maintenance , certainly not to toss it off until the child was 15. This isn't the 1950's.

usual · 23/12/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marilynsbigsister · 23/12/2015 21:34

OP. Whatever the situation now. Make sure it stops when dd goes to Uni. Uni costs are worked out on household income. If the only income is generous maintenance then it will stop after school finishes. She will then be entitled to full student loan. Whatever you choose to give, direct to dsd is up to you. No parental contribution is required. This may fit in well with your plans to adopt. It takes a good year +++ to be approved (closer to two in some areas plus time to be matched to a suitable child) why not avoid the confrontation (believe me, as the sm to 4 and the most batshit barking mad, ticks-all-the-crazy-boxes ex wife on our case every five minutes, I really understand your pain..) Give her reasonable notice that the gravy train is about to hit the buffers (6 months is reasonable) After that, pay the required amount 15% of his salary after tax and NI, Give any extra direct to dsd until UNI if she decides to go .

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