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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He asked if I loved him..why?

34 replies

Happyandsadzzz · 16/12/2015 20:21

I was lying in bed with my new fella and we had just been chatting about the future etc.
He turns around holds my hand then asks if I love him?
Why does he want to know that?
He hasn't said I love you to me.
Now in wondering if he loves me.
I said no and laughed.
I think I do but have difficulty showing my emotions.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 16/12/2015 20:48

How long have you been together? 'New' would suggest not long enough for the 'l' word to be bandied about.

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 16/12/2015 20:49

It's been 3 months.
We have known each other for 9 years previous and been friends so we knew each other inside and out to start with.
I actually do love him I just didn't want to seem so vulnerable.
I'm not very good at love

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 16/12/2015 20:50

how sweet.....i hope he wasnt disappointed by your answer....anyone remember the good old days when you told someone you loved them before you went to bed with them!

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/12/2015 20:52

Umm nope Hmm

bodenbiscuit · 16/12/2015 20:53

3 months is a normal sort of time to know whether or not you love someone IMO. Please try not to keep your true feelings hidden - I have the same problem and it has made things more complicated for me rather than less...!

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 16/12/2015 20:54

I sometimes wish I was born in the 30s and 40s.
My nan and grandad married for 68 years.
Hardly hear that these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 16/12/2015 20:55

I think I'm crazy.
I felt if I said yes I became weak.
That sounds nuts doesn't it.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 16/12/2015 21:04

i really don't get this thing of witholding the I love you phrase. Why do you need to hide your feelings? Don't you trust him or kniw what to expect after 3 months?

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 16/12/2015 21:09

I think I just thought if he loved me he would of said
I love you
Rather than ask if I love him

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/12/2015 21:11

Maybe he's frightened to say it first so wanted to sound you out. At this rate neither of you might ever say it Wink

Joysmum · 16/12/2015 22:52

You need to be honest with each other. Ask him why he asked you and be honest with him about your feelings.

Relationships are based on honesty and trust. This is the chance for both of you to be building that or deciding if you don't think the other is worthy of this and keeping it casual and still shopping around.

FreeWorker1 · 16/12/2015 22:57

Mmm.... I think if you have known someone for 9 years, know each other inside out and been in a full relationship for 3 months and been talking about the future and know you feel in love I think you should say it.

I think he wants to say it to you and I think he feels it very strongly and think you do too.

In fact I think he might be secretly a bit sad you didn't say yes.

0hCrepe · 16/12/2015 23:27

There is no way he would've asked you that just out of curiosity, it was his way of saying he loves you and seeing if you felt the same. He sounds nervous too.

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 17/12/2015 09:13

See that's what I thought but didn't want to get too excited thinking he loves me incase he doesn't lol

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 17/12/2015 11:05

If I'd asked my bf that and he said no and laughed I'd be really upset. I'd probably be thinking twice about the relationship, so if you do love him I think you should explain yourself.

mum2mum99 · 17/12/2015 11:14

What do you think would happen if you were true to your feelings?

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 17/12/2015 11:37

I just get scared if I say I love him then I become vulnerable.
He might start thinking god she loves me and he doesn't love me.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 17/12/2015 11:48

Why is saying you love someone making yourself vulnerable? If he's going to hurt you he'll do it whether you say you love him or not - if he's going to treat you well same. If you love him say it.

mum2mum99 · 17/12/2015 11:51

Yes owning up to your true feelings can feel quite difficult. Don't you want people to love you for who you truly are though?
The danger in saying 'I don't love you' is that if you say you don't love him he might disengage. He has feelings too. You are allowed not to fully reply at this stage. You can say things like: I am not sure yet, I think I might...Or maybe 'I think it is a bit early for me to reply to this kind of question, I need more time...'. You can say that you felt put on the spot when he asked you and that it is not a true reflection of what you truly feel?

mum2mum99 · 17/12/2015 11:53

I remember saying to my DP : what I feel for you is pretty amazing. I am not sure if it is love yet but it does feel wonderful'.
In hindsight it WAS love.

Original poster
Happyandsadzzz · 17/12/2015 12:09

I just wish i knew for sure how he felt.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 17/12/2015 12:11

It's just a word. Him saying it or for that matter you doesn't mean anything unless it shows in your actions so don't give it undue gravitas. If you feel you love him say it, but more importantly show it.

Threefishys · 17/12/2015 12:14

My experience was my dp saying to me (in bed as well) "I could really fall for you, I think I am falling in love with you etc". I told him (a bit bluntly to be fair) not to say anything to me whilst inside me that he wouldnt say in cold blood as it were - then I said I love you and he immediately said it back. I think he was fishing to hear it first and I think your bf is too. Genuine men get insecure about the L word too, probably more than women actually.

Dumbledoresgirl · 17/12/2015 12:19

I just get scared if I say I love him then I become vulnerable. He might start thinking god she loves me and he doesn't love me.

Well, if that were the case, don't you want to know that too? Either he loves you and you love him, in which case, that's wonderful, get it out there! Or you love him and he doesn't love you in which case, yes, that's very sad, but it is better you know that now, rather than becoming more and more invested in him. Either way, I don't think saying the L word makes you more or less vulnerable.

Personally, I can't imagine being with someone so long if I didn't love them, but then, I have always been like that. No relationship lasted longer than a few weeks for me if I didn't feel it had potential to turn into love. After 3 months of meeting my dh (25 years ago) I definitely knew I loved him, he loved me, and we would one day marry.

smartyclogs · 17/12/2015 12:26

I think you need to clear up this situation with him.

Tell him that your inital reaction was a mixture of embarassment and fear of being vunerable. Explain how you really feel and be honest and then go from there.
Nothing wrong with that imo. It's a sign of strength to talk to each other.
I wouldn't just sweep that moment under the carpet and forget about it.
You'd feel uneasy for a while with too many unanwered questions.

Relationships that flourish have honesty and trust and communication at the core.
He should appreciate your honesty and courage, and ask him for the same in return.

Good luck!