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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living like an old married couple :(

29 replies

SandBetweenMyt0es · 10/12/2015 22:17

My BF sits infront of the TV every single night watching football. We only ever communicate if I come and sit in the same room whilst the game is on, and we either have a half conversation over the TV or he shock PAUSES the game whilst I say something. Agh!!

We sleep in separate rooms. This started ages ago when our DS was a baby because he says he sleeps better on his own for work etc. We dont have sex anymore and very little intimacy.

He is not unpleasant to me, just disinterested. I have tried to talk to him about all this. He made me feel like some sex crazed nutter when I mentioned the intimacy, and then every time I try and broach the other things he either makes out I'm being a drama queen or says its not the right time to talk. It never seems to be the right time. He says he still finds me attractive but I see zero evidence of this.

I know we are both busy, but I'm still in my twenties!! What can I do to improve things?

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/12/2015 22:22

Gosh, this is a hard one. When did you last DTD? Does neither initiate. Could he be having an affair? Flowers

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 10/12/2015 22:22

This happened to me with my ex. Sex and intimacy dwindled during my pregnancy and by the time DS came along, was virtually non-existent. I want to hasten to add that this wasn't the sole reason we broke up, although it was a significant contributing factor. So I'm not throwing down a LTB. But you do need to question why he seems so unconcerned about it, or why he won't discuss it with you.
How were things before you had your baby? How is he in other ways? Is he nice to you? Does he pull his weight around the house/help with childcare?
The key thing I guess is to get him talking to you. Can you get out one evening or lunchtime together for a meal to talk properly?
Good luck. If he's a good man, you should be able to get back on track.

category12 · 10/12/2015 22:26

What can you do to improve things? Become a footballer?

It takes two to fix things. If he's not interested in doing that, you might as well make a choice, either to accept this as your life, or leave. I'd go with the latter. Obviously make one last effort to get through to him, but ultimately if he's not listening and not trying, you've got nothing to work with.

Doilooklikeatourist · 10/12/2015 22:27

This is not like living like an old married couple
( Been married 20& years , have 2 DC , still go to bed at the same time in tha same room , always kiss good night and have a cuddle etc )
No advice , but this is not normal
Get help
< helpful -> sorry

AnyFucker · 10/12/2015 22:32

Gotta agree

Dh and I are in our 50's and we don't live like that

He isn't interested in you. Only he knows the answer to that

Joysmum · 10/12/2015 22:36

Been together 22 years and still excited to see each other and relish our family and alone time.

He's not interested and you can't improve things by yourself.

Until he admits your relationship needs work, you can't work out what you both need to change to make it better. You can't try hard enough to make up for his disinterest.

Arcadia · 10/12/2015 23:07

Sorry if it sounds harsh but it doesn't even sound like you are in a relationship with each other. I had a friend in this situation at the beginning of last year, she is now married to someone else. Still in her 20s and with two kids.

differentnameforthis · 11/12/2015 00:06

Old married couples don't live like that!

It sounds shit. If it doesn't improve, or he doesn't want to change, you may need to leave.

alltouchedout · 11/12/2015 00:11

I couldn't live like that. My parents have been together 38 years and they don't live like that. How would you feel about counselling? Would he even consider it? Xx

NameChange30 · 11/12/2015 00:11

Saying your relationship is like an old married couple's is a bit of an insult to old married couples!

Sorry but it's broken and he's not interested in fixing it, is he?

alltouchedout · 11/12/2015 00:11

No idea where the X's came from!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 11/12/2015 00:15

My question would be this: what was sex and intimacy like before it went stale? Was it hotter than hot, or basically always lukewarm? I ask because if you are just stuck in a rut, what went before is relevant in that maybe you could both get it back
( if he is willing to try)
If the sex and intimacy part has never been all that, then I think you know you can't waste your life on someone who doesn't really want you. Only you can really know which this is.

Featherstep · 11/12/2015 00:41

OP you didn't say, how long have you been together and how old is DS?

When was the last time you had sex?

Do you all spend family time together and do you have a good time?

Do you go out once in a while as a couple to dinner, movies, a walk, etc? Do you talk other times, like on the phone during the day or during a walk?

How do you spend your weekends? I ask because I don't think it's that bad if it's just weeknights when you don't communicate much, what with work and the daily grind. After dinner DH and I just sit on the couch, him watching TV and me on the laptop, and I don't mind, he's tired and want to just relax not talk a whole lot. If you have time to connect over the weekend and when you have down time, it's not that bad.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SandBetweenMyt0es · 11/12/2015 08:26

Hi all, thanks for your comments- although not quite sure what the last post was about?!!

Sorry didn't mean the title to offend any happily married older couples(!) maybe I should change the name to "living like a dysfunctional couple" ?? More relevant perhaps?!

To answer featherstep we have been together for 7 years and our DS is 2. We last had sex randomly about 3 weeks ago but before that it had been about two months. It usually happens about once every few months and is over before it starts pretty much- probably because it has been so long.

We don't spend a lot of time together due to conflicting work schedules. When we do, this past year I would say we DO have fun times but we also have bad times together. I have put it down to because we don't get much time, sometimes too much pressure is put on the time that we have?? We do both absolutely adore our son however, and he is a great dad. We bond over DS definitely. But I feel like that's the only happy thing we share together currently. And when DS isn't around it's not been great.

We never go out alone because we don't have anyone that near by to babysit. Once in a while we do, but these Times I can count on one hand.

I have suggested counselling once but he refused point blank. He's a very closed book so would never open up to someone he didn't know. It's hard enough to get him to open up to me!!

ifnotnow our sex life used to be amazing and I genuinely was so happy with our relationship in every way. It makes me sad to compare then and now.

It's hard to know whether it's something I have to try and push through or whether things between us have run their course and I'm just clinging on. He definitely doesn't seem to care about how things are as much as me. I should probably mention over the last two years in arguments he has said we should break up, but then when I questioned it he immediately backtracked and said everyone says things in arguments that they don't mean and he doesn't want to break up. Sad.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 11/12/2015 09:17

Ok. So its probably not that he is asexual, or secretly gay then, if you have previously had good sex.
I think you need to take the focus off what you can do to fix things. You have suggested counselling, he flat out refused. He is probably not stupid;he knows you are anxious and sad over the state of the relationship.
He has to want to fix it, you can't do it for him.
And you say he has floated the idea of breaking up in arguments. I think he probably has considered this as an option, as he is clearly not happy with the way things are.
I think your best course of action is to think about what you need, and what you have control over.
If he has fallen out of love, and is considering leaving you, that is utterly heartbreaking, but there is nothing you can really do about it. All you can do is try to build yourself up, do things you love, see your friends, go out, be nice to yourself, and make a plan of what you can do to change life for the better.
Tell him that you are not happy. Don't accuse, or beg, or cajole. Just state it-this is not how I want to live.
Tell him that unless he is willing to do something about it (as it sounds like it's him pulling away rather than you) then you will call it a day.And mean it.
There is nothing more soul destroying than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Anything is better than that. This isn't a ltb. He might decide he does want to save the relationship, and pull his finger out, and if so great, but he has to want to.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 09:41

Great advice that

Original poster
SandBetweenMyt0es · 11/12/2015 09:42

That is such great advice- thanks for taking the time.

OP posts:
whatisforteamum · 11/12/2015 11:30

My relationship is like this after 29 yrs.It is awful and i dont intend staying like this at 49.Life is too short to be in a one sided relationship.Having to talk over the tv is dreadful and soul destroying.

Original poster
SandBetweenMyt0es · 11/12/2015 12:06

It is isn't it!! I don't know what's worse, having the TV paused so I can quickly say what I wanted to say, attempting To have a conversation with some one whilst their eyes are fixed to a screen, or trying to talk over a TV 24/7! Where the hell did this go wrong!!! Thankyou all so much for talking to me. I don't talk to my friends or my family about it. Mainly because I don't want them to think badly of him I guess, in case we manage to sort things out...

This morning I said something else about how I felt sad about how things were between us and again he said, it's the wrong time to talk about it. I then mentioned that it was always the wrong time AND why was it always up to me To try and find a right time???? I desperately want things to work between us- it's heartbreaking to imagine my life isn't going to play out as I thought. And that maybe I was wrong and he isn't infact my soul mate at all?? And esp our DS. I hope we can save things.

OP posts:
Original poster
SandBetweenMyt0es · 11/12/2015 12:08

Anyway I forgot to say, after I said why is it up to me to find a right time? He said that it isn't. And today for the first time in about eight months he has sent a couple of texts this morn from the office- nothing major just chatty and a joke email.

OP posts:
Drew64 · 11/12/2015 12:18

Not all old married couples are like that.

dratsea · 11/12/2015 12:41

Drew64 Agree, got my bus pass and can't keep my hands off dw Xmas Blush

Eminado · 11/12/2015 13:02

I think If has the best advice but just wanted to encourage you not to sell yourself short - you deserve happiness.

Chinesealan · 11/12/2015 13:27

It sounds like he likes you enough, like something pleasant in the background. He doesn't feel the need to talk because everything is acceptable for him. He's got his TV and cute little son.
When you bring up your dissatisfaction, he's probably wondering what you're going on about andcwaiting for the whining (as he hears it) to stop.
I think it'll be a long road to get him to the point you want him to reach. You need to decide for your self, is it worth upsetting a reasonably comfortable but mediocre life? If it is, then start making your exit plan. You never know, you might meet someone who absolutely adores you and you'll be amazed you ever put up with what you had before.