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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I take him back?

46 replies

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 14:54

Hi

I am pretty new to this site, I've posted in other sections and got some very good replies, I have another dilemma that I would like help with.

I'm a mother of 2 I split with my ex (their father a year ago) due to him being unfaithful infecting me with an STI, there wasn't any issues in our relationship as far as I'm concerned we were getting on great, I did ask him why he cheated and if he was unhappy in the relationship why didn't he just tell me, I never got any explanation to why he cheated, since he left he has still continued looking after me and the boys very well which I am very grateful for.

We have been speaking a lot recently via text and he has asked if he can come home, I know they say once a cheat always a cheat I am trying to have some faith in him that he won't be unfaithful again, I still love him.

Now for you opinions, please tell me what I should do?

OP posts:
DraenorQueen · 06/12/2015 14:58

Just don't.
Save yourself the indignity and anguish when he does it again. From experience I can tell you it hurts twice as bad the second time.
What kind of specimen shags around unprotected and puts his dirty cock into the mother of his children, infecting her???? Apologies but that's unforgivable.
You CAN do better, you honestly can. And he hasn't even told you why he did it? Probably because the simple answer is "you don't matter that much to me." Angry

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 06/12/2015 14:59

I think the fact that he hasn't been able to give you any kind of explanation for his infidelity is a red flag. Has he ever apologised?

Chillyegg · 06/12/2015 15:04

In a word no.

Original poster
JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 15:05

DraenorQueen - He has never told me why he did it, he has never been much as I talker, I know I'm silly for posting this on here, but there was a little hope inside me that someone here would say give him another chance, I'm finding it very hard to move on :(

WhereThe - He has never apologised but I don't think it doesn't mean he isn't sorry, God I need to stop sticking up for him and get a grip.

OP posts:
WankingInTheWinterWonderland · 06/12/2015 15:07

I wouldn't OP, you deserve so much better, I know it's difficult but try to stop the contact with him and move on.

Original poster
JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 15:09

InTheWonderland - It is very hard when he texts me first thing in the morning then late at night as if me and him are still together. I will not have any closure until he tells me why he did it, which I know he never will.

OP posts:
Jw35 · 06/12/2015 15:09

No way!

yetwig · 06/12/2015 15:09

Your not being silly, but I'm with the others once a cheat always a cheat.

I took my ex back after he cheated on me, he did it again, no reason no apology either.

Move on with your life, keep strong..

Original poster
JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 15:13

YetWig - It is real easy for you to say that, but I can't until I get closure and my boys are a constant reminder of him.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 06/12/2015 15:15

You love a man who cheated and gave you an STI Confused. An explanation would be irrelevant, the awful truth is that he has shown you he does not love you or respect you and is only asking to come back because he is lonely or bored.

Under no circumstances should you take him back IMO, it shouldn't be a dilemma for you, it's just common sense.

clam · 06/12/2015 15:18

Closure? What exactly do you mean by that? It's a phrase bandied around a lot these days, but what would 'closure' look like for you?

Because as far as I can see, the bottom line is that he thought so little of you that he shagged someone else, caught an STI, infected you, and won't acknowledge or apologise for the tremendous hurt he caused. That's an episode I'd consider well and truly "closed" if it were my life.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/12/2015 15:19

Only let him back if you expect him to cheat on you in the future and are OK with that.

He's not sorry for cheating last time, so you have no reason at all to imagine he intends to be faithful to you now.

He just wants to get regular sexual and domestic servicing from you while he shags around.

mintoil · 06/12/2015 15:24

I agree with PP. If you are looking for closure maybe get some counselling that might enable you to understand why your self esteem is so low that you would even consider getting back with him - yuck!

Seriously, concentrate on yourself and the DC, and stop thinking about him and why he did it. He did it because he could, because he knew he would get away with it, and maybe even that you would forget about it even if you did find out.

Do you think the women/women he was shagging around with were "better" than you somehow and he is some kind of prize to be won back? He sounds like a prize dick to me.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 06/12/2015 15:29

I split with my ex due to him being unfaithful infecting me with an STI, there wasn't any issues in our relationship as far as I'm concerned we were getting on great

So, he's an excellent liar who a) gave you an STI and b) hasn't even had the good grace to fucking grovel apologise. He sounds like a keeper Hmm

You deserve better, much MUCH better.

WankingInTheWinterWonderland · 06/12/2015 15:40

Set up so he sees the boys without involving you, change your phone number and have as little contact as possible.

It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, texting you morning and evening.

Lweji · 06/12/2015 15:50

He hasn't even apologised. Just took his "punishment" and now hopes all will be forgotten.

The next STD (if this wasn't) could be HIV or a hepatitis virus. Think about it.

But be prepared for the niceness veneer to disappear if you tell him no. Make sure you are financially protected.

zippey · 06/12/2015 16:01

If you want to do this, and think he is a good person at heart, but made a mistake then it might not be a bad idea to take him back. You can make it a trial relationship if you like - give it 2 months or something and then assess things?

But the fact that he is the father of your children and you seem like you want to give him a second chance, so why not? Everyone makes mistakes. Just be wary and see how you feel.

Lweji · 06/12/2015 16:04

Good people who make mistakes apologise.

Original poster
JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 16:04

FredaMayor - I love him because he has given me my children.
Clam - Closure as in why he did it, I think about it every single day and until I know the reason I can't see myself moving on as silly as it sounds.
Mintoll - I don't care about the other woman/women in question, not once has she/they crossed my mind, wish I wouldn't have posted this thread as it just seems as if I'm embarrassing myself now.
Raptor - I know I deserve better but it is going to be hard me finding someone whilst I have two children, and soon after I found out he cheated he said to me no one is going to want to be with you when they find out you've got children.
InWonderland - He does see the boys but not as much I'd like him to see them.
Lweji - I am financially dependent on him and his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 16:10

Zippey - I was thinking of giving him a 'trial run' but knowing him he will think this means that he can move straight back in which I wouldn't want just yet, it would be good if he eventually did move back in and we could be a family again.

OP posts:
mintoil · 06/12/2015 16:11

I apologise if I upset you OP.

Going back to you wanting to know why he did it - the reason he won't tell you is because it is so unpalatable. It's because he wanted to, simple as that. And if he wants to fuck someone else in the future, he will. Obviously he isn't going to tell you this.

Does that help you to move on? Please don't think you are embarrassing yourself, he is the one who should be embarrassed.

jelliebelly · 06/12/2015 16:13

The fact that he is unable to explain or apologise is a massive reason why you would be bonkers to get back with him.

robinofsherwood · 06/12/2015 16:15

I do believe that people can make mistakes, learn from them and not repeat them. But his refusal to apologise or give you the explanation you need doesn't look good. I would say if you are going to restart it needs to be different, which includes understanding what happened last time and what he needs to change. And that crucially he actually believes not cheating is important.

clam · 06/12/2015 16:30

"Closure as in why he did it"

Look, he did it because he could. And he wanted to. And because he clearly hasn't got the integrity, loyalty and ability to love someone properly. He probably can't even articulate why, and even if he could, you're not going to feel any better for hearing it.

It sounds to me as if you're clinging to the idea of what you wish he was, rather than who he actually is. If he comes back, you're not going to get to play the happy families that you imagine. You'll be looking over your shoulder the whole time, waiting for him to do all this again.

And he will.

Move on! You've done the hardest part. Stop hankering after the romantic and erroneous picture of what you thought you had. You never really had it.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/12/2015 16:31

soon after I found out he cheated he said to me no one is going to want to be with you when they find out you've got children.

So he's nasty to you as well as being a cheat who brings home diseases.

Also doesn't spend much time with his children?

What a prince he sounds.