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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I take him back?

46 replies

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 14:54

I am pretty new to this site, I've posted in other sections and got some very good replies, I have another dilemma that I would like help with.

I'm a mother of 2 I split with my ex (their father a year ago) due to him being unfaithful infecting me with an STI, there wasn't any issues in our relationship as far as I'm concerned we were getting on great, I did ask him why he cheated and if he was unhappy in the relationship why didn't he just tell me, I never got any explanation to why he cheated, since he left he has still continued looking after me and the boys very well which I am very grateful for.

We have been speaking a lot recently via text and he has asked if he can come home, I know they say once a cheat always a cheat I am trying to have some faith in him that he won't be unfaithful again, I still love him.

Now for you opinions, please tell me what I should do?

OP posts:

Original poster

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 16:35

Mintoll - It's fine you didn't :) it doesn't help me to move on I need answers from him, even if he says 'no reason I wanted to'
Jelliebelly - I know :(
Robin - It does feel as seem as if he thinks the cheating wasn't important.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2015 16:37

Are you married?

zippey · 06/12/2015 16:39

Instead of a trial run, how about just dating again then? Leave moving in on the back burner for at least - lets say 6 months, and just date each other once, twice or three times a week and see where this leads you.

Saltfish · 06/12/2015 16:40

He probably did it because he can get away with it

BathtimeFunkster · 06/12/2015 16:42

Would you date a man who gave his last girlfriend an STD from cheating on her and thought it was no big deal and wasn't remotely sorry?

Robotgirl · 06/12/2015 16:43

Are you for real, OP?
Holy shit. Have some self respect.

Original poster

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 16:58

feel and seem*
RunRabbit - We are not married
Zippey - That does seem like a good idea, thanks :)
Bathtime - That would be none of my business, and I don't think someone would just tell someone that.

I am going to stop posting now, I already feel crap and I don't need others making me feel more crap, I come on here for advice.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 06/12/2015 17:03

You're getting advice - the advice is, don't take back an unrepentant (and unkind) cheat just because he wants to get his feet back under the table.

What kind of advice were you expecting?

Ideas about how to wear your hair on your "dates" with this nasty prick?

Original poster

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 17:10

BathTime - I don't know what advice I was going to get but I didn't expect people being horrible it really isn't nice at my end.

OP posts:

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/12/2015 17:16

He said no one would want you with 2 children?! What utter rubbish! He is trying to make you think, that he is the only guy that you can be with. My DH is not the father of my children. He didn't care a jot that I had 2 kids. He's a good Step Father too. I know LOADS of people who have Step Children and they love them dearly. Also, when I did OLD the majority of people on those dating sites did have kids. So erase this thought from your mind, right now.

It is very hard for you, because you clearly haven't moved on. What impact would it have on the kids, if you did let him move back in, it didn't work out, and then he has to leave again? This will be quite confusing and may inflict more pain on them.

Only you can decide what's best. But nobody on here will encourage you to take a cheater back. And especially one that infected you and doesn't really seem to understand the magnitude of his actions. I do know one couple that got back together after 2 years apart (due to his cheating) and they stayed together until the end. So, it's not impossible. I would be very wary of a repeat cheating event tho.

clam · 06/12/2015 17:16

People are being horrible about him, not to you. We just think you (and your children) deserve better than this lowlife.

clam · 06/12/2015 17:17

Anyway, I don't think it much matters what we say. I suspect you're going to take him back.

Good luck with it all.

Robotgirl · 06/12/2015 17:24

OP, nobody's going to tell you it'll all be sunshine & rainbows if you take him back, but it sounds like that's what you want to hear.
Nobody is being horrible. There are some excellent posts here from people who have had similar experiences & made similar mistakes taking back lying, abusive manipulative shits.
Up to you if you listen or not.

summerwinterton · 06/12/2015 17:26

The advice here is you deserve better than anything he will ever give you. Sorry nobody is telling you to take back a sexually incontinent man. If this was your daughter you would tell her to stay away from him too. But I love him is not a reason for you to tolerate bad behaviour of any kind from anyone.

Find your self esteem and put it into action. The fact that you are taking support as an insult against you shows your self confidence is none existent and that is something you need to work on. Taking him back will not improve anything for anyone but him - until he gets a better offer, and does it again. And you will feel even worse then than you do now.

Lweji · 06/12/2015 17:28

Do you feel you have to take him back, or do you want him back?

Original poster

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 17:35

Lweji - I feel as if I need to take him back, but now after reading all these comments, I won't be taking him back. Now I need to call my network provider and have my number changed. Then I need to find a way to get my confidence back.

OP posts:

Lweji · 06/12/2015 17:38

I hope you do, because you certainly deserve someone who is honest with you and respects you. That is the minimum.

Blu · 06/12/2015 17:45

OP, really sorry that this happened to you.

I think people can get one chance - they fuck up once, apologise, grovel, do absolutely everything they can to demonstrate that they have changed heir behaviour and can be trusted. There are people who do this once and once only when they realise what was at stake. But anyone who takes a partner back on those terms has to do so with the knowledge that there is a possibility that their partner will NOT be the one who learns the lesson in how to treat a partner with respect and is the one who thinks 'well, I got away wit it that time....' or just doesn't have the self discipline, the respect for his partner and relationship.

The problem for you in believing that he may be the one who just messes up the once is that he has not actually apologised, he is not grovelling and begging to come back, and in fact rather than trying to repair the damage to your emotional health he is dissing you even more - telling you no-one will want you with 2 kids!!!!

So for these reasons, I would be out.

Oh, and he isn't even seeing the children as much as you would like. What's all that about?

MN is FULL of women with 2 children and more who have met decent kind faithful men . My bet is that it is the fact that you are still hankering after your ex and his morning and nightly texts that is more of an obstacle to meeting anyone else than your children!

As a matter of interest, how old is he? Is he v young?

Original poster

JoPerignon · 06/12/2015 17:47

Blu - We are both 28

OP posts:

Blu · 06/12/2015 19:18

Hmm, not so very young - he should be mature enough to apologise properly.

And ha! You have your prime years ahead of you!

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 06/12/2015 19:26

Don't put yourself through that.

You don't need him. You don't deserve to be treated like that - and telling you that no one would want you with two kids, plus all he has done, suggests there is at least some level of emotional abuse going on here.

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