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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex won't let my new partner come to my house.

26 replies

fozzerelli365 · 02/12/2015 13:07

My ex-husband moved out 18 months ago and our divorce is going through. We both have new partners who we have introduced our 2 children to gradually and they get on with them well. My ex rents a house locally and sees the children regularly, the problem is he won't let my new partner to my house because he still owns it and doesn't want another man there. Both our names are on the mortgage but he says I need to buy him out (which I can't afford to do) or sell up then I can do what I like. My new partner & I have respected his wishes up to now but I'm getting increasingly fed up with not being able to move on. I plan to sell the house in the new year which I don't really want to do yet but I'm fed up with being controlled like this. Friends have said I should ignore my ex's demands but new partner does not feel comfortable in my house knowing how ex feels. Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

Danceintherain2015 · 02/12/2015 13:15

I'm pretty sure he can't dictate who you invite into your home ( even if he part owns it !)
My ex has her BF livin there although he only stays " occasionally" ( er 24/7?) and he can't do anything about it - even though he pays the mortgage !
Has he always been so controlling ?

Danceintherain2015 · 02/12/2015 13:16

Meant to say partners XW! 😀

TendonQueen · 02/12/2015 13:20

I don't think he can do that. Plus I assume his partner comes to his new place so it's pretty hypocritical.

RedMapleLeaf · 02/12/2015 13:35

he won't let my new partner to my house because he still owns it and doesn't want another man there.

How does he prevent this??

JennyOnAPlate · 02/12/2015 13:36

Ignore him! You can invite anyone you like into your home and there's nothing he can do about it!

TPel · 02/12/2015 13:37

Ignore him. He can't dictate who comes into your home.

I'm guessing he was a controlling arse whilst you were together.

Original poster

fozzerelli365 · 02/12/2015 13:39

No he wasn't controlling at all when we were together! And yes it's hypocritical as he can do what he likes in his rented place. I've been trying to keep things amicable for kids sake which is why I've gone along with it up to now, thinking he just needed some time. He won't listen at all when I try to talk to him just says I can do what I like when I have my own house.

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 13:39

Tell him balls unless he wants to buy you out so you can get yourself somewhere else.

Even a landlord can't dictate who you can and can't have in your home.

Besides, what does he think he can do? Call the police? Watch the house just in case? Ridiculous.

Topseyt · 02/12/2015 13:50

Is the divorce settlement that you and your children live in the family home until they reach 18?

If so then surely it is your home. The ex doesn't get to dictate who you can have there, though he remains on the mortgage and deeds as part owner and therefore an interested party.

Clarify with your solicitor and if necessary get a letter sent to your ex setting out the legal position and obligations.

Original poster

fozzerelli365 · 02/12/2015 13:55

Obviously he can't physically prevent it but has made it very clear how he feels, and I've been worried about rocking the boat and things turning nasty. My new partner is a decent guy and he wouldn't feel comfortable at mine knowing it's causing aggro. Just wish I could make my ex see he's being unreasonable so we can all get on for kids sake. Happy to hear lots of people saying he can't dictate who comes into my home as that's exactly how I feel, think I just needed some confirmation!

OP posts:

creativevoid · 02/12/2015 13:58

If things turn nasty it is because he is being completely unreasonable. I can tell you from experience you won't get anywhere appeasing someone who makes unjustified demands. Just ignore him. You can only control your own behaviour, not his.

gamerchick · 02/12/2015 14:00

Does he pay his half of the mortgage? That's the only way I can think of where he could cause trouble.

Personally getting rid of the house would get rid of that shackle even though it's a ball ache to do.

AlisonWunderland · 02/12/2015 14:05

It's half your house, so you can have your DP to stay half the time.
When he's out at work, that's your ex's "time" when DP is not in the house!

AlphaOmicronPi · 02/12/2015 14:07

He can't dictate who stays in your home. It's none of his business frankly. You need to be firm on this. Don't be bullied.

Original poster

fozzerelli365 · 02/12/2015 14:07

We have only done the first bit of the divorce so still need to sort out details of the settlement.

I agree I need to see a solicitor to get details outlined. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Allalonenow · 02/12/2015 14:16

Forget about keeping things friendly and amicable between you and your husband, he is NOT your friend, as his control and demands show.

You will have a lifetime of struggling to appease him if you start now. Do want you want and live your life how you want to, that is what divorce means.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/12/2015 14:24

I can do what I like when I have my own house
FFS - you are not a child and it is YOUR OWN house.
He is deluded - seriously.
It's not normal. He needs to get a grip.
Please ignore him on this.
He is being a complete wanker.

ProbablyMe · 02/12/2015 14:39

Ummm he can't do that. Tell him to take a very long walk off a short pier.

Original poster

fozzerelli365 · 02/12/2015 17:27

Feeling liberated! No more Mrs nice gal time to get on with my life.

OP posts:

20thcenturyschizoidwoman · 02/12/2015 17:44

My ex H said similar - he didn't want me to have any male friends to stay overnight ( would like to point out this was only when he had the children) and if I insisted then they were to pay "rent" to him for staying. I pointed out that made him a pimp....

So - I did have a man friend over ( who is now my present husband of 11 years) and ExH brought the kids over early ( like 10 hours early) on a Sunday morning to catch me out. He left the kids on the doorstep for me to explain why a strange man was trying hard to look as if he had just popped in for an early morning cup of tea.

Not the way I wanted to introduce the kids to him.

But it bit my EXH on the arse as the kid grew up to realise he was a total twat ( they are grown up now and use that term) and see their step dad as their true dad. As the eldest says ' step dad loves us and has never let us down'

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2015 18:00

It has already got nasty if he is dictating to you that you can't have your boyfriend round. The amicable ship has sailed.

Potatoface2 · 02/12/2015 19:28

Is that right.....your husbands paying the mortgage and you can move a guy in living rent free .....seems really off to me....paying a mortgage and not getting the benefit of it but ex wife's boyfriend is

witsender · 02/12/2015 19:36

Has that been said PotatoFace or are you just extrapolating? OP doesn't say anything about her ex paying the mortgage, or wanting to move the partner in...rent free or otherwise.

Supermanspants · 02/12/2015 19:46

Ha ha ha ha ...... what an absolute dickhead.
Tell him to do one.
Honestly . . . He clearly scores high on the knobometer

Supermanspants · 02/12/2015 19:48

Jesus Potato what thread are you reading

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