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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas dilemma (sorry long)

30 replies

Stoneagemum · 21/11/2015 22:36

not sure where to start, I am a single mum to 2 teens, my mum moved 250 miles away this summer. her partner has offered to pay for me and the dc's to visit them over Christmas as a Christmas present to my mum. as visiting each other is not in our usual ability to finance.

My boyfriend(how I hate that term at this age) who I have been with for 3 years has no family in our area so I feel guilty leaving him alone. On previous Christmas's that we have shared together things were ok for year 1 as we were only just dating and I invited him to join my family Christmas so he was not alone. Next Christmas we were a more established couple and he had his son join us for christmas day. Last Christmas his son was with his mum for Christmas and his refused to open his presents with my family(and id not explain tik weeks afterwards that he wanted to wait until his son was with him to do presents)and was generally distant with all visitors on Christmas day but grumpy with the same response on boxing day when his son was with us. there was no previous agreement re how we would celebrate Christmas.

This year we have made no arrangements as yet.. As above I have been offered to go away with my dc to my dm for Christmas. I would love to take my dc to my dm but feel guilty in leaving my bf behind.. I do not want to take my bf with me as he caused me upset last Christmas as he would not think of anyone but himself

In summary, I would love to take me and my dc to see my mum over xmas without feeling guilty about leaving my bf behind. However I do not want to take my bf to my mums for Christmas as he has form for being an asshole

OP posts:
manandbeast · 21/11/2015 22:40

Jst go to your mums. If he asks why tell him. If he is usually a caring guy but Xmas is hard for him, then tell him sensitively. If he's generally grumpy then be very direct.

TokenGinger · 21/11/2015 22:42

Speak to him. He might have plans. He might be having his son and be happy just the two of them. Or if you tell him soon enough, he can make plans.

Although, I can't help but feel it's a bit shitty to abandon your DP when it's a time he struggles with due to not seeing his own family or son. I understand he could have conducted himself in a better manner but he was clearly struggling.

After three years, I'd imagine it's an unwritten rule that you spend Christmas with your partner.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 21/11/2015 22:43

Tanks I'm just scared of being direct, and hurting his feelings if I go he is alone.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 21/11/2015 22:44

You don't need to feel guilty at all. If he asks for an explanation tell him what an arse he was last year. If he can't be pleasant to your family he can hardly expect to be taken to stay with them!

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 21/11/2015 22:47

He has no plans, he does not plan we have been through some bad times over the last year some of which have been the consequence of my reaction to his attitude to last Christmas.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 21/11/2015 22:49

No one is required to spend Christmas Day with a misery. I know there is lots of guilt about it but you really aren't and he should not expect you to.It is very selfish of him to behave like that and think others will put up with it. He's an adult and needs to behave like one.

Go to your mum's and just tell him what you are doing- now before he makes any assumptions.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 21/11/2015 22:53

I feel guilty about leaving him alone whereas I know I shouldn't but I rushed into inviting him into my family Christmas after 3 dates due to time of year in the beginning. I helped him have a more usual family Christmas for his ds and now feel guilty if I do not provide this

OP posts:
Original poster
Stoneagemum · 21/11/2015 22:54

Lulu you're right I need to just go and let him deal with it

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 22/11/2015 04:19

(Said gently) I think he needs to take a man up pill. Christmas is for kids.

OK there are some tricky logistics to deal with for you both, due to your respective family locations, but honestly, you're thinking ahead and being practical, trying to please everyone and he's just sitting there with a long face expecting you to wave a magic wand over the situation and make everything perfect!

Don't feel guilty about not being a miracle worker. You're doing the very best you can.

iPaid · 22/11/2015 04:30

Isn't it his turn to have his DS for Xmas?

iamanintrovert · 22/11/2015 06:11

Missing your children does not give you the right to be grumpy. Go without him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/11/2015 06:18

It's not your job to provide him with a family Christmas for his kids. If he's having his kids this year he can provide a family Christmas on his own. If he's not having his kids then he would be a misery again with your family and should stay home alone until it's over.

Leelu6 · 22/11/2015 06:24

Did he not open his present from you while he was with you? That's odd.

It sounds like he wanted to make you miserable too.

OP, do go to your mum's.mut's a generous offer that may or may not be repeated.

Leelu6 · 22/11/2015 06:24

*It's

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/11/2015 07:30

After his grumpiness last time, I'd just go to your mums.

I know it's a bit after the fact, but you made a mistake inviting him to your children's family Christmas after 3 dates. It's meant that you've established a tradition with someone before you knew them and now you feel beholden to that. You're not.

Muldjewangk · 22/11/2015 08:17

You should put your family first, they will always be your family, your misery guts boyfriend might only be in your life for another month, especially if he ruins another Christmas for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/11/2015 08:22

How about "Mum has invited me and the kids for Christmas, X is paying our transport as our present. It's your turn to have your son for Christmas Day this year, isn't it? What do you plan to do?"

Do NOT feel guilty. If he whinges, point out his son would no doubt prefer to have his dad all to himself than have to share him with dad's girlfriend.

TokenGinger · 22/11/2015 08:23

Fuck sake. If this was a woman posting saying oh, I found last year really difficult. It was my first Christmas without my son and I struggled. I probably wasn't the nicest person to be around, I understand that, but it was really tough not being with my child. Anyway, now my DP doesn't want to spend the day with me because I'm a misery guts so now I have to spend the day without my son AND without my DP... You'd all be here saying what a bastard the DP was.

Have some sympathy for what your DP went through last year. Imagine your children going to their dad's and your DP fucking off to his parents' and you not having the invite to your parents'. Let that sink in whilst you realise what you're going to put the man you love through.

Tapirs · 22/11/2015 08:23

It's his turn to have his son. He doesn't seem to have been invited to your DMs
No brainer surely.

TokenGinger · 22/11/2015 08:25

My response is based on the fact that you've said he has no plans and also not mentioned him seeing DS on the day.

TokenGinger · 22/11/2015 08:26

We don't know that he takes it in turns having DS. His ex might have just let him have DS that one time. There's no mention of it being a pattern. She's said he has no plans, therefore, that indicates he has no plans to have DS.

Tapirs · 22/11/2015 08:31

Then he needs to sort out turn taking with his ex.

Cabrinha · 22/11/2015 14:04

Putting up with people you don't much like is what you do with distant family and work colleagues.

The person who is your boyfriend, should make you HAPPY!

Forget Xmas, that's still weeks away. Why are you even with him now? You don't sound as if you like him much at all!

mintoil · 22/11/2015 14:07

Just go to your mums - is he really that you would feel guilty about leaving him?

After the way he behaved last year I certainly wouldn't want to expose my family to him - he sounds very childish. Lots of us have shared childcare and have to accept we wont have our DC with us at Christmas, but we don't behave badly and make other people's Christmas shitty - especially other peoples DC!!

mintoil · 22/11/2015 14:08

really that needy

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