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Original poster

Dp Smoking. How to deal

36 replies

Belleende · 20/11/2015 22:00

Bit of background. Been a tough few years for me and dp. Multiple miscarriages, lost jobs, business going belly up. Through all this we have both not had the healthiest behaviours. Drinking too much, eating crap and smoking.

However the last 18 months have seen our fortunes much improved. We now have a gorgeous 5 month old. We have moved to a house in a town we love. Boozing well under control. Jobs going well. Joined weight watchers, diet much improved and weight coming off.

I haven't had a ciggie in well over 18 mos and am now vehemently anti smoking. DP has made multiple promises to stop, and does for weeks at a time, but then has a fag and before you know it he is back up to 10 a day. He is over 40, obese & has high blood pressure.

Tonight he is back smoking again, and I have basically said that is his choice, but don't expect a warm welcome from me and have pretty much ignored him for the rest of the evening. It was a shit end to a lovely night (turn on of christmas lights).

He thinks I am being too hard given all the progress he has made in other areas and that I should be more forgiving. I think it is bollocks to have a baby, particularly later in life, and choose to continue smoking. In my eyes he is choosing to smoke at the risk of shortening his life and leaving dd without a dad. My own dad had a massive heart attack when I was 17 (he survived). He was only 48. He smoked.

How do I handle this, particularly if he continues to smoke? I think he needs to see some immediate consequence for his choice, but I don't want to be childish and sulky. Any ideas?

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 20/11/2015 22:11

My stbxp is morbidly obese. Drinks & eats absolute crap. Was wearing a 34 waist trouser when i met him now wears 44'.

He wouldn't/ won't stop over eating & eating rubbish. Drinks regularly too. Family history of heart disease so a heart attack is very likely. Hes 46. We have 4 dc ranging from 1-14.

Ultimately his choice.
Major contributory factor in us splitting up.

Its not your chice. Its your Dh's.
Its your choice how you react to his choice.

PunkrockerGirl · 20/11/2015 22:13

Was there anything that triggered him starting smoking again? Tbh, it does sound as though you've both done well, but he's struggling a bit more than you.
'I think he needs to see see some immediate consequence for his choice'
Sorry, but he's an adult not a toddler. You come across as controlling rather than childish or sulky.

forumdonkey · 20/11/2015 22:14

You chose to stop he chose to smoke. His choice as an adult I'm afraid. For the record I no longer smoke and I haven't for over 5 years. My exbf smoked and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking him to stop.

chipsandpeas · 20/11/2015 22:18

assuming you went into the relationship knowing he smoked then you both subsequently quit and he started again then i cant see what you can do
i smoke, and if someone i was seeing started telling me i had to stop then they would be gone, they knew what they were getting when seeing me

SolidGoldBrass · 20/11/2015 22:20

Well, you could split up with him.
Otherwise, suck it up. You're not his boss, mother or owner. He doesn't have to obey you, or be punished for disagreeing with you.

And never mind all the waa waa waaa SMOKING IS EEEEVIL crap. It's not illegal. And it's up to him.

MotherofFlagons · 20/11/2015 22:20

If you're not ready to give up, literally the worst thing is people nagging you about it and trust me, it will not make him give up. It will only make him hide it more and resent you.

I've been an on-off smoker for years but nothing annoys me more than people telling me I should give up and lecturing me about it. I've given up in the past and I've done it when I feel ready, not as the result of someone banging on about it to me.

Joysmum · 20/11/2015 22:22

Surely you can understand how being shamed and blamed won't help to find that mojo to change.

It wasn't that long ago you were the same as he is now. Try to imagine he'd found his way forwards first and you were still drinking/poor diet/smoking and he pulled the attitude on you that you are on him.

TwoSmellyDogs · 20/11/2015 22:24

If you're not ready to give up, literally the worst thing is people nagging you about it and trust me, it will not make him give up. It will only make him hide it more and resent you

This. Really this.

And there really is nothing worse than an ex smoker coming over all vehemently anti. I am an ex smoker and I will never speak to someone else about their habit. When that was done to me it had absolutely zero effect except to rile me. There are other ways to wean him off it without being a total pain in the arse. Get him an e cig for a start.

Original poster
Belleende · 20/11/2015 22:43

I know that nagging doesn't work (been there, got the t shirt and am under no illusions, i could start again given the right circumstances). Was looking for alternatives to how I reacted tonight.

I take your points about possibly being controlling, except when we moved we both solemnly swore that we were leaving the fags behind. Is holding someone to their word controlling?

I have bought him multiple e cigs and they work for him ( until he puts them in the washing machine). He still chooses to smoke. The trigger tonight was us having a nice night with a couple of beers. I know the smoking will now continue until new year when the same promises will be made again.

I suppose my worry is if having a baby, high blood pressure and a girlfriend who is properly pissed off doesn't motivate him to stop what will? Maybe nothing. Suppose I better sort the life insursnce.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/11/2015 22:45

It's no point fighting about it. Only he has the decision on this, as long as he isn't smoking around the baby or in the house.

Alwayslonging · 20/11/2015 22:52

Sorry to jump in on this but I'm in a similar situation. My dh and I stopped smoking,he did really well and had the help of tablets and smoking nurse. Then work got stressful and he started having one or two at work. Now he has started smoking those e cigarettes which I honestly despise. I have asked him not to but he continues to. My problem is he does it in the house when he thinks I don't know, ie when I go to bed, when he is in the office. I said he can do as he pleases but please go outside. I feel he is disrespecting my opion doing this. But don't know what to do or go from here.

donajimena · 20/11/2015 23:08

always would you prefer he smokes real ones?
My OH and I wanted to stop smoking. I did. He hasn't. I am starting to hate the smell
I worry about his health. There is no way I will ever pull the holier than though ex smoker on him but will support him when he decides it's time.
he's an adult. He knows the bloody risks. It's an addiction.

TwoSmellyDogs · 20/11/2015 23:10

What's to despise about r cogs? [Confused ]

TwoSmellyDogs · 20/11/2015 23:11

R cogs??? For fuck's sake!! E cigs is what I meant @

shadowfax07 · 20/11/2015 23:20

Always why do you despise ecigs?

April2013 · 21/11/2015 08:38

I think the big reason to stop you should push with him is the effect of it on your baby - I was smoked around as a child and developed mild asthma (likely to be caused by other factors too) which wasn't that bad at all but now I am mid 30s and pregnant has become severe and it is a horrible thing to live with, I have to run a mile from various triggers including cigarette smoke and face a riskier pregnancy, drugs with nasty side effects that allow me to breathe etc etc. A third of women with asthma who get pregnant develop worse asthma, im not a rarity. For both sexes, asthma is an unpredictable and changeable condition throughout a lifetime. I think there are other big potentially awful effects of passive smoking for young children too, even if it is outside there will be particles all over him that transfer around your home. Maybe do some research online about this and present the research to him, then it isn't coming from you but research\facts. I think with smoking it can seem like the only problem is for the person smoking and only then in the long term but for a lot of children who passive smoke there are horrible potential consequences for them, I am sure once he sees the facts he will see that this is not only to ensure the baby has aa healthy dad around for as long as possible but also to do everything he can to prevent your baby developing health problems now or in the future. I have never smoked but I know it is very addictive and not a simple matter of just quitting and help is needed.

Fratelli · 21/11/2015 11:01

I think just don't speak to him about it any more. He knows your feelings about it. I would also insist that after having a cigarette he much change his clothes and wash his hands before picking up the baby due to all the chemicals. I would be more concerned about the potential health implications for your daughter more than him.

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 16:05

wtf is wrong with Ecigs???

My dp gave up smoking 6 weeks ago and is now vaping. Im bloody delighted. His cough has gone, he smells better, his teeth are whiter, hes saving money and its been so easy for him. I think Ecigs are a great invention

Alwayslonging · 21/11/2015 17:50

I dislike them I just do, they are an unknown. I don't want them in my house. If used as a stop smoking tool then that's fine, not a start to smoke or replace smoking. I have asked him not to smoke it in the house but he continues, surely that is the point you could help on rather than jump on a personal opinion.

Boomingmarvellous · 21/11/2015 18:16

I've been in the same situation, and honestly nagging, pleading, reasoning and ignoring won't work. What I would say is to have him get regular check ups with his doctor. Blood pressure checks, cholesterol and lung function. Hopefully if he starts to see the problem before he has a heart attack he will stop. He clearly doesn't have enough imagination to see the consequences.

MotherofFlagons · 21/11/2015 23:04

I think if you're going to try and get someone to stop smoking, an e-cig is probably a decent alternative.

Branleuse · 22/11/2015 17:45

no i dont think other posters should collude with your being controlling over your partner.
There is not a single study that says that passive ecig vapour is harmful, and if its his home too, then you should probably back off

chrome100 · 22/11/2015 18:03

I agree with those who say he's an adult and you can't control what he does. My DP smokes, I've never had a cigarette in my life, but recognise it's up to him and it's not the worst thing in the world.

He is lovely, caring and kind. These are far more important qualities and what should matter rather than a bad habit.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 23/11/2015 10:10

BUT Smoking is not just an ordinary bad habit like picking your nose or leaving the toilet seat up. It has an impact on others' health through the dangers of passive smoking. It also could leave families without a much loved member due to an early and preventable death from a smoking-related disease.

This has happened in my family so I hate smoking and have never even tried it. But I also understand how unbelievably hard it is to give up. The addiction is just shocking. That people put smoking before their health, others' health, finances etc shows what a grip it has. Smokers know they shouldn't but they often just can't / won't stop.

Being cross with him won't help. It'll make it worse. You need to help and support him. Good luck.

CupofBoo · 23/11/2015 10:22

Recommend e cigs too. Smokers smoke because of nicotine addiction. That's really it. E cigs won't harm your DC or him. I smoked for 15 years and have been quit completely for months due to e cigs.