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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does a mid-life crisis exsist?

37 replies

veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 15:57

My H literally turned into a teenager, young clothes interests, found a soul mate. All blew up in his face and wants to come back. Says it all stems from fear of ageing. We're mid to late forties. Its all such a cliche. Is it even a real thing?? I've certainly no desire to be a teenager again. Once was

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 19/11/2015 16:20

The only man I ever saw ( may have had what could be described as a mid life crisis) who suddenly spruced himself up, had one ear pierced, new leather jacket and clothes and started smelling nicer, etc was intending to start an affair.
He eventually left his wife of 15 years and three kids, and married the OW. She left her husband and three kids. They moved jobs and relocated a hundred miles away. It all went pear shaped and he now lives with his Parents.

Boy, does he regret what he did. He was 42, the idiot. His former wife was beyond utterly devastated and heart broken, but has now moved on. She wouldn't have him back now.

And as he put himself and his own feelings before those of his children, they don't have much time for him either, TOUGH.

I don't believe in ' mid life crisis ' guff myself. It feels as though the label somehow absolves people from behaving in a callous and selfish manner. No no. Not in my book.

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 16:37

Ha yes, that's a familiar story to me.He totally changed personality. Dislike things we used to do together. I started to feel more like his mum than wife. Stupid man. Caused so many massive waves in so many lives.....

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 19/11/2015 19:59

I can believe that it's real because my sister and cousin are/were properly upset about hitting "middle age" - I don't feel it's right to dismiss their experience just because I haven't had it yet?

but the real issue is that he has caused damage, from what you have said. So I guess he needs to get his head in a better space before you can even consider taking him back, which I suspect you are leaning towards because you have posted about this?

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 20:12

I've no idea what I want anymore. I just wish it hadn't happened. He seems so remorseful but yes he's caused a lot of damage.

OP posts:
DSClarke · 19/11/2015 20:21

I think that there can be a bit of a wobble when you realise that you are middle aged, and you are in the older half of the population. However this is not an excuse to shag someone else. Get a haircut, a new hobby, or a pet. Reasses your life, but don't have an affair.

I can understand why people go a bit doolally, but it is not a get out of jail free card.

I think women are better at dealing with it than men though, perhaps because they are far more attuned to the aging process. We go through puberty, then hit the classic child bearing years, then we know that the menopause is coming. Also, sadly our 'stock' falls way before men I that society tends to write off women over thirty, we are sidleined in the media and representations of women over 35 can be piss poor. Men on the other hand have been going on steadily from puberty, but then when middle age sets in, it can hit them like a brick.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/11/2015 20:39

Mid life betrayal more like it.

It's such a cliche and people know it happens so why they don't gird themselves to get through it with their family and dignity intact is beyond me.

HustleRussell · 19/11/2015 20:44

Yep I believe in it and can understand it. Particularly when you have been with someone for a while and maybe have kids. And don't want to feel grown up.

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 20:49

I couldn't agree more HerRoyalNotness, unfortunately he didn't and now I am left with a H and dc's desperate to have the family back together. He's been such a tool, and admits to this frequently!!

OP posts:
caroldecker · 19/11/2015 20:53

Its not an excuse, and I think it hits women more when children leave home.

Squeegle · 19/11/2015 20:58

I haven't any scientific evidence, but I see it so often, that I think there must be some kind of biological trigger. Maybe it's an unconscious fear of mortality and in men particularly it manifests itself in attracting a new mate (showing still fertile?). No excuses but definitely seems a real phenomenon.
It's different for women but I think we still feel it. It's a shock!! No one ever thinks they'll be middle aged. Soon to to be old aged. Nothing prepares you!

Joysmum · 19/11/2015 21:02

It's only a midlife crisis when people make changes that other people disapprove of!

I've made changes in my 'mid life' but since people approve its not a crisis. Wink

TooSassy · 19/11/2015 21:04

So OP what are you going to do??

Midlife crisis. Yes I think it exists. Especially in this day and age when so much focus in the media is on unrealistic (airbrushed) ideals. I think how people react depends on how much they lean on those around them to pull them through.

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 21:12

I don't know OW decided she didn't want him in the end. He seems to truly regret it...but what would be happening if she hadn't changed her mind?? I think I might have a mid life crisis myself. I'm sick of being the sensible one!!

OP posts:
MadeMan · 19/11/2015 21:30

"I think I might have a mid life crisis myself. "

You could try joining a gym and get really fit and then run off with your personal trainer.

That seems a fairly clichéd mid life crisis scenario. Smile

ToastedOrFresh · 19/11/2015 21:30

Yeah I agree. When ?

When are women going to get their midlife crisis ? Or, abject selfishness as I prefer to call it.

When are they going to spend oodles of money and time on themselves creating a whole new look whilst their husbands/partners have no choice but to carry on as normal ?

As a pp has remarked, you can have a midlife crisis, just don't fuck things up for other people in the process.

I've noticed this midlife crisis thing seems to something men get or men can have. Some women do it of course but it seems a joke and therefore somehow acceptable when men do it.

I guess OP's husband wants to come home prodigal son style ?

mulranna · 19/11/2015 21:30

The mid life crisis may have been the trigger - but focussing on that is a red-herring - the issue is the betrayal of the affair.

Can YOU get over that?
What are his assumptions - that he can return and all is fine? Thats not how it works - he needs to take full ACTIVE responsibility for rebuilding the marriage if there is any hope what so ever. There are 17 separate steps in this book...

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

You sound indifferent...is it al too little too late? How long has he been gone? How long was he cheating? Are their children involved? You both need to be committed to making it work or it would be disaster for any children if he returned and left again.

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 21:45

Even now I'd never do it. What would be the point of a new relationship now when I'm embroiled in this mess. Yes he wants to come home and make amends, start again. Its been months, I'm not ready to decide yet. I feel like I gave him my youth and this is the thanks I get? Sometimes I wonder though could we get over this, in time get our lives back on track. I'll have a look at that book. Thanks x

OP posts:
TooSassy · 19/11/2015 21:50

Oh wow. That's a tough one.

Do you still love him? How was it when he left?
Can you imagine him being back?

Hugs OP, it's got to be really messing with your head!

curiousc88t · 19/11/2015 21:54

You can be single & have a mid life crisis too

If you reaach a certain age, you will have experienced the good times & the bad times of life

Events that occur in life put things into perspective

For some people they make positive changes to make their lives better for their future

Instead of waiting for things to happen, some people make it happen (what ever they decide to do)

If you have a partner there could be either good or bad consequences to any decision

NewLife4Me · 19/11/2015 21:56

Yes, it does exist and it's quite common for men to want to revisit their youth etc and women to want to change their lives radically as well.
It needn't be exactly middle age though, could be as early as your 30's.

Whilst it exists I don't think you can use it to dismiss or minimise behaving badly to your spouse, especially affairs.

unicorn501 · 19/11/2015 22:00

My exH had a mid life crisis. All of a sudden hanging out with the 25 year olds at work, new clothes and hair, younger woman. Moved away to live in the nearest big city because, after all, he "deserved" a new life Hmm

I'm very glad he never asked to come back, in the early days I might have cracked "for the sake of the kids", and because I was scared. Now it's been 18 months and I am so much happier on my own. He's still with the OW but constantly moaning about how much he misses the kids etc.

Don't take him back, that's my advice. Your life can be so much better.

bjrce · 19/11/2015 22:02

Focus on yourself, your health, sanity and finance.

Put yourself and your DC first. Fuck him.
What happens when an OW comes along, he didn't show you much loyalty with the last one did he?
He's shown you what he's capable of. He's a selfish bastard. For Gods sake don't take him back for the sake of the DC .
Only take him back if you still really love him, but don't be surprised if he does it again. Of course he's sorry, he wants all his comforts back, this is where he belongs! with you looking after him.
You need to make changes in your own life to be prepared to cope if this happens again.

Original poster
veryfedup123 · 19/11/2015 22:03

Thanks TooSassy yes it's an awful situation, like a bad dream. Things hadn't been brilliant but not awful. I'm focusing on my dcs and taking one day at a time for the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
veryfedup123 · 20/11/2015 07:22

It was an EA not PA. He still spoke if leaving me and having a LTR with OW though, although I discovered what was going on before it got that far. I threw him out. It seems most of it went on in his head, its the lying and denials to me that have really caused the damage though. Thanks for your advice everyone. X

OP posts:
MadeMan · 20/11/2015 19:29

I suppose in some way a mid life crisis is like reinventing yourself; bit like Madonna does every now and then.

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