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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last night my son hit me

51 replies

gingermopped · 17/11/2015 17:35

Hes 13, he beat up his younger brother, i removed all his devices (iphone, xbox, kindle) and toldhim he was grounded and he went ballistic, went to smack me in the face, i put my arm up to protect myself and now hav ahuge bruise.
There was so much anger in him, i dont know what to do.
He went on holiday with my parents in the summer and whilst there he attacked my mum.
Hav spoken to school befor about his anger issues, i think they basically thought i was lying because at school hes behaviour is impeccable.

I dont know where to turn.
Any advice pls

OP posts:
PhilPhilConnors · 17/11/2015 17:39

What anger issues?

How is his behaviour generally at home?

PhilPhilConnors · 17/11/2015 17:39

Oh and Thanks Chocolate
This happens with my 10 yr old, it's hard work.

Stinkilinky · 17/11/2015 17:40

I'm yet to experience teenagers but I didn't want to read and run. Have you posted in the teenagers forum? I'm sure there will be some good advice to be had there.

Flowers
exresearcher · 17/11/2015 17:43

I would be speaking to the police before he damages someone. If he can't control himself it is only a matter of time.

He needs some help either with anger management or support to get to the bottom of why he is so angry/violent.

Original poster
gingermopped · 17/11/2015 17:45

Anger usually directed at siblings, but i dont understand where it comes from.
He pretty much has a stable home life, gets everything he needs, no violence in the home.
Me and his father split a few years back, was rocky for a time but all settled now and he sees dad often.

Countless times iv tried to talk to him, try and understand y he is so angry but he wont talk.

90% of the time hes great, loving, chatty, a sweet boy amd then he flips.
Im at a point i feel uneasy around him and dont trust him

OP posts:
Threefishys · 17/11/2015 17:46

Hormones?

ImperialBlether · 17/11/2015 17:46

I agree - ask to get it to be moved to Teenagers.

Are you the only adult in the house? When did this start? Have you spoken to the doctor about it?

Looking at his age, it's likely to get worse before it gets better unless you bring in some outside help.

Flowers
Enoughalreadyyou · 17/11/2015 17:47

He's only thirteen. Still a child. Why is he so angry? Do you talk to him and really hear him? Is he frustrated? They can be really hard work I agree. When you say you took everything off him I don't think that was the best move as both of you then had nowhere to go but escalation.
Also why are you involving school when his behaviour is impeccable. You are the parent and responsible when he is out of school. I would never dream of contacting school it really isn't their responsibility.

Lozza1990 · 17/11/2015 17:47

Does he seem remorseful after it happens? I would take him to anger management and maybe counselling as well, he needs to know that his behaviour isn't acceptable no matter how he feels at the time.

PhilPhilConnors · 17/11/2015 17:48

Do you know what triggers him to flip?

Ringing the police is a good idea if he does it again. The police can be really helpful at these times.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 17/11/2015 17:50

You poor love, I can only imagine how churned up you must be feeling right now. I don't have any experience of this, nor any real idea of what would work but is there something in particular that he's upset, frustrated or angry about? Is he the kind of child you can sit and talk to, and reason with, or have things got beyond this now?

The fact that he's assaulted your mum and you know rings alarm bells for me about what he's capable of and the fact that he doesn't know when to stop or how to manage these rages. Do you have a local community policeman/woman who could pop round and talk things through with him and explain that this is unacceptable everywhere - with family just as much as in the playground or in a town? The other option is school - is there a pastoral team who could help?

Is he close to his father? Can they talk man to man?

The very least I'd be after is a sincere and meaningful apology and a way forward for him to work through his anger.

I send you love and luck.

Jan45 · 17/11/2015 17:53

Regardless of what makes him angry he cant go around assaulting people, I'd get in touch with the community police for your area and get them to have a word with him, this needs nipping in the bud now, not later.

ditavonteesed · 17/11/2015 17:54

I am sorry to be the one to say it but we had similar with my dd, she would flip smash the house up and hit and kick me. Perfect at school and I have had to fight tooth and nail to get anyone to believe me, she has just been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder. She had so much anxiety from holding it together all day that t he minute she walked in the house she just flipped out, never any real triggers although now I know what it is I can see what the triggers were if that makes sense.

Much sympathy its frightening to be in the middle of and I was convinced she would kill me when she got bigger.

PhilPhilConnors · 17/11/2015 17:57

Exactly the same here dita.
Ds has PDA.

springydaffs · 17/11/2015 17:58

Can't believe someone is citing hormones! This is totally unacceptable and needs to be addressed pronto.

Go to your gp and get the ball rolling. If he is violent again call the police. This is serious, you must get on this as soon as.

itsmeohlord · 17/11/2015 18:01

So Enoughalready, what would you have done in the OPs shoes?

All sympathy OP, my son was like this - he had ADHD, was very good at school. At the flick of a switch without warning he could turn at home though. Very very hard to deal with. We did have the police round - scared the life out of him for a while.

PhilPhilConnors · 17/11/2015 18:01

Springy, I think hormones? was asking if this has been triggered by puberty, not excusing his actions at all.
Ds's psychologist has warned us that puberty can trigger some truly dreadful behaviour, and it is often a time where undiagnosed SN can be noticed, as it becomes more difficult for the child to hold it all together.

sunshineandshowers · 17/11/2015 18:06

Does your ds have autism or any special needs? Any other problems part from the anger?

knitknack · 17/11/2015 18:16

As a pastoral leader in a school I'm going to advise the complete opposite of a previous poster and advise you to TELL his school - speak to his head of house, or year, or whoever the DSL is. I've worked with families in this was and we've been able to access support and also meet in a 'neutral' place with firm rules in place for safety.

I would also advise you to make an appointment with your GP, which I'm sure the school will also advise.

Good luck, reach out - don't let this get worse, for everybody's sake.

OneOfTheGrundys · 17/11/2015 18:19

I agree; contact the pastoral team at school (they can and do support the whole child). He may be behaving perfectly at school-and falling apart at home as a result of stress over the course of the day that he's bottled up.

Go to the GP also. He has hurt you and attacked (and presumably hurt) your DM and younger DS. I appreciate 'beating up' may happen in the daily run of boisterous behaviour but, given your reaction, I'm assuming your younger child came off the worse for wear.

This is not something your family, least of all your 13 yo DS, have to live with. Get help and don't feel bad about asking for it... And yes, sympathy to you. We are dealing with violent rages in our 7yo DS with SN and it's frightening and painful even now.

OneOfTheGrundys · 17/11/2015 18:20

X post knitknack !

Mairyhinge · 17/11/2015 18:31

My ds is 13 and has 'anger issues'
When he was 8/9/10 we were told he had PDA but child psychologist refused to 'label' him, now every time I tell school they seem to think I'm nuts because I don't have an official diagnosis or statement.
My ds is worse at school than home, he's pretty well behaved at home but can kick off if things aren't 'right' but I know what his triggers are...
Can you look at the triggers and try to work round them? ( I DONT mean pussy foot around him which I did at first!).
It's frightening and worrying and as we don't have an 'official' diagnosis I fear school won't take me seriously enough.
You have my thoughts OP, I'm with you.

Threefishys · 17/11/2015 18:38

Yes, hormones. As OP said 90% of the time he's lovely then just flips. I have a 13 yo DD, exactly the same. I absolutely put it down to hormones, challenging the heirachy etc. Totally natural though unpleasant biological thing in all species. Not excusing violence no way just looking to point out its perhaps as simplistic as nature ie hormonal rushes.

springydaffs · 17/11/2015 18:44

That's like saying someone is stressed at work so they hit their wife. There is NO EXCUSE for violence.

Threefishys · 17/11/2015 18:44

Did you read my post Springy the bit where is said there was no excusing violence? I guess not.