Last night my son hit me

[gingermopped]

Hes 13, he beat up his younger brother, i removed all his devices (iphone, xbox, kindle) and toldhim he was grounded and he went ballistic, went to smack me in the face, i put my arm up to protect myself and now hav ahuge bruise.
There was so much anger in him, i dont know what to do.
He went on holiday with my parents in the summer and whilst there he attacked my mum.
Hav spoken to school befor about his anger issues, i think they basically thought i was lying because at school hes behaviour is impeccable.

I dont know where to turn.
Any advice pls

Enoughalready I can't believe you think getting school involved is wrong.
Getting school involved is exactly the right thing to do, no matter how they behave at school you and they need to know what's going on. My ds school think I'm nuts when I tell them what he's like at home.
Speak to your Dr will be able to point you in the right direction, whether it's help with anger management or CAHMS referral. Continue contact with school as things maybe happening there that are either triggering this behaviour or struggling to cope academically/socially. Don't right it off as a one off bang on everyone's door to get some help.
For what it's worth I'd of removed everything from him as well

of course there is no excuse for violence, but in a child there is usually a reason for it which needs to be solved.

Mairyhinge - we ended up going private for ds, which has helped. Feel free to PM me for details if you want.

Springy, it's not the same as the ds is a child. No-one is excusing his behaviour, but trying to explain.
When it comes to violent children, it's important to understand why this behaviour is happening, in order to start spotting patterns, triggers, and therefore to be able to start dealing with it.
If it is a neuro condition, expecting it to stop without appropriate strategies is like going to the moon on a bike (or at least that's what it has felt like in my house!)
Parents of children like this have the unenviable task of becoming their child's expert, whilst being dismissed and criticised by experts who don't understand and parents who think the child needs a good telling off.

Children mimic what they see.

Yes sometimes SoDiana, but sometimes children have conditions that mean that this behaviour is borne out of frustration, anxiety and other feelings, and also from a developmental delay.
It's also surprisingly common for children to mask their feelings and hold it together at school, so teachers can't see the behaviour.

I have never spat in my son's face, sworn at him, punched him or bitten him, and it's a little tiring hearing judgements from people who don't understand autism, or ADHD, or sensory processing disorder etc, etc, etc.

I'd avoid the police. No child of that age needs a criminal record or an escalation of this in a formal way. It may make him worse and his anger worse,

My advice for you is this:

Parent coaching for you ( you can access a lot online or by phone) to help you cope and create a better relationship with him. yes, he hit you, yes it's dreadful but you are the adult and bridges need building.
There may be parenting groups in your area where you can meet other families and share your experiences.

Although it goes against the grain, try to be extra loving towards him. IME when kids react like this they want love and attention and their way of getting it is to act bad. Do you utmost to praise him, show him he's loved, and give him attention not when he's misbehaving but at other times too.

13 is a tricky age for lads. They desperately want to be men and as part of puberty they detach from their mums ( psychologists write about this a lot.) He may desperately miss having a dad around the house and he's trying to work out who he is as he goes through puberty. Please try not to block him out - give him more attention, not less.

What's he playing on his devices, OP?

Sodiana- utter rubbish.
My child with ASD had never seen anyone hit or scream or self harm, but that didn't stop her doing it!

I have been through this - I posted on here a couple of years ago. It escalated I called the police it was nipped in the bud - I also called school - they were brilliant - said they see it all the time - they gave him counselling etc - he can still loose his temper but he now controls any physical stuff. Talk to school and police - they have safeguarding procedures and actions to take on any report. Good luck - it is hideous - but if you deal with it now it will be sorted.

My stepson never received a diagnosis because camhs were shit but a primary school headteacher recognised the signs of being on the autistic spectrum as her daughter suffered similarly.

Honestly, OP, you described my stepson. Whatever you do, do not let anyone try and accuse you of being a shit parent. fuck you, camhs

Steve, CAMHS are in the middle of letting ds down.
I always think that parents of children with ASD should observe suspected ASD cases in school - no teachers can spot ds's ASD, but it's obvious to other ASD parents.

Your last paragraph really resonates Phil - DS' traits are spotted a mile off by other parents of DCs with AS. Took many meetings and showing footage of him biting, roaring, punching and kicking us at home before school believed us. The Senco us alongside us now and she's supportive.

gingermopped I feel for you and you need all the support you can get. So go and speak to the school, get an appointment at the GP and check out support for ASD or talk other parents who know of it. I would also include the police in the lot. Good luck, we are here for support too.

Wow - Phil, Serious and One .....Dont want to de rail but one of my other children has severe behavioural problems - was screened by camhs for asd but this was ruled out....they then sent us on a parenting course (The Incredible Years) with other parents - every other parent had a child diagnosed with asd - yet our dd had the worst behaviour....Do you know if we could/should get a second opinion? or where we should look for ideas how we can best manage her?

Mulranna, we did the incredible years, ds went through the roof, felt patronised and hated anything we did.

Have you had a look at PDA?
There's a booklet here aimed at clinicians. Near the back of it there's an extreme avoidance questionnaire.
For strategies, try a book called The Explosive Child, and accompanying website called Lives in the balance.
There's a website called the PDA resource, there's loads to read up on different strategies and how to go about diagnosis etc.
if you need any more info feel free to PM me.

We had 1:1 support over 10 weeks with a clinical psychologist that came to our home, observed DS etc. It was amazing. We learned loads. Then we moved area and after a while proceeded with as diagnosis. We were offered that parenting programme. Having had 1:1 tailored support for all that time we didn't want to take it-just felt like a fobbing off and we felt it detracted from a proper analysis of his behaviour. I knew about it from where I work and didn't feel, after the previous input we'd had, it could add anything really.

I'd return to the gp and ask and ask again for support. If you and she are still struggling you need ongoing support from camhs. And get reading as Phil rightly says. The Explosive Child is great as well as the site.

My children have never got along, I think, because I stayed in an abusive relationship while my children were growing up, but that is another story.

When things came to a head between them I called the police on my son.

He had his sister up against a wall, his left hand on her throat and his right arm pulled back, his hand in a fist. I really had no choice. :(

He left the house but the police did find him and 'had a word'. I have had no problems with him since, apart from the odd raised voice. It made a huge difference to his behaviour.

To my Ex my son was the golden child. I don't think he ever believed there would be consequences to his actions. :(

I just wanted to share my experience with you, I so hope that you can find a positive end to your troubled situation.

I can't agree that it's different when it's a child. It's violence, pure and simple. We could all be violent. It is UNACCEPTABLE, regardless the reason.

We have been hideously let down by unbelievably crap Camhs - and we're far from alone. They made a truly awful situation infinitely worse. Avoid at all costs (imo).

As Spent says, a word from a police officer can work magic. I'n not talking about sentencing/criminal record but a visit and a word.

mulrana, we had an appointment with cahms years ago, they kept dd in for the whole appointment so I didn't end up telling them anything as I didn't want to do what she would percieve as slag her off to a stranger. They told us everything was fine and we looked like we had everything under control, the truth couldn't have been further away, it was school that helped us get dd the help she needed even though she never displayed the behaviours at school they believed me and backed me up.

I would agree with involving school, though probably not the DSL (designated safeguarding lead). I would speak to the Senco and/or HT.

I work as a home school link worker and one of the hardest things is where behaviour at home and in school are vastly different. We have to complete Connors and Australian questionnaires for children awaiting assessment and it can be hard for parents to accept that we cannot write about problematic behaviour if we don't see it in school.

OP, what is his behaviour like with his dad? Any chance he could start to spend more time there? I agree with talking to the GP - ask for a referral for a paediatric assessment. And do involve the police. If his behaviour is ok in school, having other evidence like police reports will be a great help.

Springy, I agree it's unacceptable, but with a child with SN it's not as straightforward.
If dh was ever violent towards me, I would leave him.
I can't leave my 10 yr old though.
It's our job (as parents) to work through the shit, use appropriate strategies that help him to feel less anxious which then reduces violence, only then are we at a point where he is able to understand that violence is unacceptable. But then we're coming round to Christmas and school plays and school trips and Christmas carol rehearsals, anxiety goes through the roof again and violence returns. I can tell him that it's unacceptable, but when you have a child like this, it can take years for the message to get through.
It's taken us 4 years to get him to reliably brush his teeth, 4 years.
Reducing violence is not going happen overnight.

My Ds is 9 and is always taking out his anger on DD and me. He constantly gets stomach pains, doctor said it's stress and anxiety caused by bullying at school. Hopefully when we sort one out the anger will resolve itself.
Could your son be having problems at school?

Springy - I agree SN or not, violence is unacceptable and not to be tolerated - and the Police interception was v effective with my son.

He did end up with an official caution - which is not what I had wanted and was the reason I took so long to report the final incident. The caution he got was temporary and does not show on any external record. I was told before that we would not be given a caution but they changed their minds because I had mentioned that this was repeated behaviour.....so if you want to avoid a record....but still have the impact....maybe say it is the first time?

One and Phil - thankyou for those resources. I have looked at PDA before - 2 family friends have mentioned it to me regarding my daughter - one an educational psychologist and the other a head teacher who has a PDA unit at her school. When I mentioned PDA to cahms they stared at me blankly (contemptiously?) and didnt screen....

OP - I wish you peace. Have you someone in RL who can support you?

Calling the police was the best ever thing that I did for my son and my other children - unanimously on this thread other posters say the same thing. I sounds dramatic - but he was handled sensitively and compassionately - we would be facing a much more dramatic situation down the line if I had not taken/action/nipped it in the bud and he had gone on to hurt me or one of his siblings.

They stared at you blankly bcs they're CRAP. Dangerously crap imo (and ime): dangerously under qualified (at least), broad strokes, judgemental. Appalling, appalling service. Kafkaesque.

Whichever bit of advice you take, you need to do something quickly because one it's unacceptable behaviour and two, if it goes from being internal to external, he runs the risk of getting into serious trouble.

My friends lad was like this and he took this anger outside the house. He ended up having the absolute shit kicked out of him by someone and three years down the line is only just starting to go out again.

I would involve the police.