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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me slooooow down

27 replies

kimmynono · 16/11/2015 20:13

Hi. Five months out of an EA and I'm OLD. On date number three with really nice guy. Couldn't help it, DTD on first date Blush

Everything ok, he said take it one step at a time. He's far more experienced than I am with OLD and I know he's still active on the site.

Realise and do completley understand this, but I can't talk to others, I just want to talk to him.

Could be something there, but I know 100% if I push too hard he'll back off - hey, I'd do the same if roles were reversed.

So just need some words of wisdom to take it easy, not rush things and let it grow naturally, if it does. If it's not to be that would be sad, but if I spoil things because I'm pushing too hard I'd be so annoyed with myself.

How do I take a step back?

x o x

OP posts:
Handywoman · 16/11/2015 20:18

Do you mean you are 5 months out of an EA relationship? How long was the relationship?

Original poster
kimmynono · 16/11/2015 20:23

Two years. He was very controlling, kept cancelling dates last minute, never responded to texts, sexually abusive. I don't want to go down the same route, but can feel the anxiety creeping back in if OLD man doesn't text me.

Rationally I know that's mad, but because my ex used lack of communication and affection to keep me in my place I want to stop it happening again, so can feel myself pushing for more, yet I know it's way too soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
kimmynono · 16/11/2015 20:45

Anyone?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 16/11/2015 20:49

Have you done anything to address the causes and fallout of your EA relationship? Counselling? Freedom Programme? In my opinion you sound quite emotionally invested and heading for a fall. You may have struck lucky here (unlikely) but if he too is a pisstaker you are a sitting duck.

noclueses · 16/11/2015 20:53

how often is he in contact, OP? I have hte same problem when I start dating someone I like, for me it helps not to sleep early on as that makes me expect more emotional input from him, but as it's already done, the only thing is (as I've been advised) is make yourself busier than is normal, even something new/a home project/more exercise. Tbh, can't see what else can you do. I think physical exercise/yoga helps the most.
Also if you can go out with any friends that would help to fill the empty feeling when he's busy.

noclueses · 16/11/2015 20:54

what I mean is, there is no magic solution to stop the neediness, you have to work at it.

noclueses · 16/11/2015 20:55

'sleep with a man' I meant.

Original poster
kimmynono · 16/11/2015 21:09

I know I should have held off, was just so nice to be close to someone again.

Texts maybe 5/6 times a day - it's not the quantity or the quality, it's the delay in responding that gets me. I know he works so it's unreasonable to expect texts back straight away, I just get so anxious that he's going to mess me around like my ex.

No, no counselling or anything. I felt such relief I was out of the relationship I thought I'd be okay. Realise that might not be the case.

Don't want to be heading for a fall Sad

OP posts:
honeyroar · 16/11/2015 21:14

Try and breathe/relax. He is still texting, he is still in contact. Have you arranged another date? Try and focus on the fact that he hasn't just DTD and run.

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 16/11/2015 21:22

I know exactly how you feel, I have been single for 8 months, split with EA husband and felt so lonely so started OLD mainly just for the chat and a bit of company. I tend to get attached to people really easily and I have found OLD really hard, I have been in quite a few dates and have DTD with a few, I have had men who are really keen one minute and then they vanish ( not good when you have already become emotionally attached ), I took a break from OLD and started seeing someone that really wasn't my type, it all went wrong ( he wasn't who I thought he was ) and now I am back to OLD. I now have rule to stick too so I don't get too attached to any one:

  • don't text all day
  • arrange to meet friends, keep busy and have a life other than OLD ( it can get a bit obsessive )
  • talk to other men until you have become 'exclusive'
  • Never get too comfortable as things can change very quickly.
  • Don't spend hours wondering why he hasn't replied to your messages, there's probably a good reason, he probably has a life too.
  • take each day/date as it comes and never think too far ahead.
Threefishys · 16/11/2015 21:28

The only concern I would have is that he is still actively on the site after he's DTD with you, you may be ok with that in which case I say just relax and enjoy

spudlike1 · 16/11/2015 21:41

Get counselling . Turn your energies into getting to know yourself and understanding why you are acting like this.

Original poster
kimmynono · 16/11/2015 21:44

Yes, another date arranged for tomorrow night. I mentioned still being on the site, he said he likes me but was being cautious.

I do need to breathe and relax, I know.

And I do get attached far too easily, I know.

Thanks for sharing your rules doughnut, I will borrow them if that's okay with you Smile

OP posts:
happymundanes · 16/11/2015 22:41

In a fairly similar situation I said I was fine with him staying on the site and we could go on dating but we couldn't continue having sex.

It's always scary at this stage, whatever your relationship history. Nothing's worth having if you're not afraid of losing it.

Good luck Smile

BlueBlueBelles · 16/11/2015 22:46

He likes you but he's being cautious?

No, he likes the shag until something better comes along. He's still in the sweet shop browsing whilst munching on a toblerone.

Five months after an EA along with no counselling ime and imo is not enough to then be online dating.

In the nicest way, Take a step back, go for counselling, get professional help on why you feel the need for a man to validate your happiness by responding instantly.

sonnyson12 · 16/11/2015 23:01

It never ceases to amaze me just how many posters state that they have exited an emotionally abusive relationship and are then online dating within months.

I am in the recovery process after divorcing an abusive ex wife, and as we have a child together, the abuse has been prolonged.

I would advise you to seek therapy, I know the cost is often a barrier but many private therapists will offer a vastly reduced price depending on your personal situation.

Recovery from an emotional and psychologically abusive relationship ain't no joke and therapy is anything but an easy process but it is, I found, far more successful than the quick fix of online dating.

You seem to be genuinely vulnerable, understandably, but this doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Good luck.

sonnyson12 · 16/11/2015 23:04

I meant to say,

I believe that anyone that has experienced an abusive relationship is highly unlikely to be in a healthy emotional state to be then entering the perils of online dating within a matter of months.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/11/2015 23:46

Another vote for counselling here. You do need a bit of help to sort out your boundaries.
This man may be a perfectly OK man - it's not compulsory for relationships to be exclusive and many people do OLD to meet a variety of partners while having no interest in longterm commitment.

If he is nice, that won't necessariy stop him from walking away if your behaviour becomes too needy. IN fact, if he finds your neediness and vulnerability attractive in themselves then he probably isn't nice at all. Predators love damaged, previousl-abused women, unfortunately.

noclueses · 17/11/2015 00:20

5-6 texts a day is quite a lot after a couple of weeks of dating, OP! and another date arranged. He may genuinely be cautious - but so should you be after just 3 dates. I know, it's not always possible to hold off physically if you are attracted and he is available! The bane of my life currently is that anyone I really fancy turns out to be attached. So don't become negative yet, OP, it may go well.
Be happy he texts you daily and several times - of course he works and you don't want a man who is glued to his mobile doing nothing! Let him browse online, but if you can, maybe don't sleep with him next date, just kissing etc? If he really likes you he'll stick by - but I hate to say it, be slightly less available now that he is attarcted. Yes, it's he old rules, but it's a good test. If you make some excuse for not habing sex mext time, see how he reacts - if stops texting, then he is no good for you anyway. If he actually steps up his efforts, good.
I hope you are not always texting him first? Read the Rules book - I know i's extreme and somewhat hilarious, but for a woman who is needy and easily attached, it's a must read purely to self-discipline a bit!

noclueses · 17/11/2015 00:24

may I add that I'd be OVER THE MOON if a guy I'm now interested in texted me daily or went on a date with me, so you know, it's early days and all good.
but focus on getting to know him and see if he is a good match for you or not, try not to have rose-tinted specs on. It's not just about what HE thinks of you.

LeaLeander · 17/11/2015 00:48

You need time to recover and find yourself as a person. Jumping into another relationship is a really bad idea, especially as clearly you are so very needy. I hope you can get some counseling.

All else aside, expecting more than one text a day from a man you have just met is a bit ridiculous; even that seems a bit much. Do you really want a guy who has so little going on in his life that he's thumbing a phone all day long? And is that how you want to present yourself?

Dependency is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship or a healthy life. What else do you do with your time and energy?

NerrSnerr · 17/11/2015 03:51

It sounds like you need more time alone. 5-6 texts a day is far too much- I wouldn't be surprised if he felt really smothred!

happymundanes · 17/11/2015 08:21

I don't think there is anything wrong with the number of texts, this part of the relationship is fun with lots of contact, but make sure you avoid sending texts that require an answer - then you will know he is texting at a level that he is comfortable with.

But seriously, don't have sex with a man if he is 'free' to have sex with other women.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/11/2015 12:19

As previously suggested, please do the Freedom Programme.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 17/11/2015 12:35

You've DTD and had 3 dates, with a 4th one arranged. And yet, he's still on the dating site. So, is he actually meeting other women too? And DTD with them? Confused

I met my DH via OLD. After date 1, he told me how much he liked me and texted plenty. I never texted first (as a test). But I didn't need to anyway, he chased me. After date 2, he told me he'd deleted his profile and asked me if we could be exclusive. He never once left me dangling. No game playing. Ever.

I would give yourself a time limit. If he's still OLD at Christmas, I'd get rid of him. And whatever you do, do not have anymore sex with him, until you are the only person he's seeing!! You might end up with an early Christmas present, of the itchy variety.