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Original poster

He says he doesn't trust me completely

29 replies

Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 18:44

Basically he says I don't always tell him things on purpose.

Last thing was a sexual dream I had (me masturbating in the dream) which I only told him today about. The dream had occurred before last weekend.
These things he talks about that I didn't tell him are all things that I ended up telling him anyway. They weren't things he found out on his own. He got to know because I told him in the end. If I had meant for him to never know, he wouldn't know.

Anyway, he says he can't trust me completely because he thinks I might hide stuff so as not to upset him.

How do I tackle this?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 11/11/2015 18:45

Tell him to stop being a twat?

Seriously, how old is he? Is this his first serious relationship, or is he actually a very insecure and controlling man?

HustleRussell · 11/11/2015 18:47

I don't get this - so he wants to know your dreams as soon as you have them? He seems more than a little insecure. Personally I would look to get rid.

ComeDownToMe · 11/11/2015 18:49

As you are telling him things I would suggest the problem is him and not you. He needs to work out his own insecurities. He seems very needy.

tribpot · 11/11/2015 18:52

Christ! So you are meant to jump through a bunch of hoops he's set up for you - because you didn't immediately tell him something you intended to tell him later?

You're perfectly entitled not to tell him things. You're perfectly entitled not to tell him things on his schedule.

Please do not waste your energy trying to 'gain the trust' of this person. You've given him no reason not to trust you, it's up to him if he wants to manufacture this particular scenario.

VimFuego101 · 11/11/2015 18:57

I would call him 500 times a day and tell him literally EVERYTHING - what I dreamt about, what I had for lunch, what my colleagues at work were wearing. He'll get bored with that pretty quickly!

Seriously, he sounds very insecure.

kittybiscuits · 11/11/2015 18:57

He has trust issues. The kind of issues which mean you really shouldn't trust HIM at all.

Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 18:58

It's not the dreams. He gets pissed about me not telling him stuff.

I'll be a bit more specific. When we met, I was still seeing someone and having sex occasionally. Bear in mind, me and this fellas weren't in a relationship, but sort of fwb. The guy I am talking about had never expressed feelings towards me at that point but he would ask what I had been up to etc as if he was jealous.

One day he asked directly if I had been having sex with someone else and I admitted that. He got upset. Partly because he was jealous obviously and partly because he said I lied about it as when he would ask what I had been up to, I wouldn't mention the sex.
I said if he wanted to know that bad, he should have asked me directly; obviously I wouldn't go and tell him myself as it would have been awkward. That has stuck with him and that's why he doesn't like it if I don't tell him everything. Little lies lead to bigger lies, he says.

OP posts:
HustleRussell · 11/11/2015 19:01

Now it comes out. So you were shagging someone and dating him at the same time? If so, I can understand his thinking.

Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 19:04

I wasn't dating him. It was just sex with him as well, but we ended up actually developing feelings towards each other with time.

When he was acting all jealous, we weren't in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 19:09

I don't hide things from him though. That's the thing. Even that time, when he asked me, I said yes. I didn't deny anything. He has the right to feel like it was a lie as I wouldn't have gone and openly told him if he hadn't asked, but it's also true that I wasn't dating him so I didn't feel obliged to tell him.

This stupid thing about the dream has nothing to do with lying or hiding things. I haven't been spending all my time dwelling on this dream. I told him when the subject of sexual dreams came up today. I mentioned it. I could have said nothing at all.

OP posts:
HustleRussell · 11/11/2015 19:09

Unfortunately people are naturally competitive and obviously he thinks he has to better that guy. Every man wants to feel their gf/wife is a Virgin so it has affected him, particularly if he feels there was crossover or he was not as gold in bed (all men want to think they are great drivers and in bed)

Not sure what the answer is but if he doesn't let it go, I would leave him to be honest. Jealously has a habit of always rearing it's head...

HustleRussell · 11/11/2015 19:10

Good not gold!!

pocketsaviour · 11/11/2015 19:10

Oh, it sounds like this one is a non-starter.

This is the kind of guy who'll happily accept a fuck buddy situation with you, but totally judge you for it at the same time. This guy's attitude to women is fucked. Bin him off!

Lacoba66 · 11/11/2015 19:15

So you actually had the conversation that it was just fwb at the start? Or was it an unspoken assumed situation? If the later, then I understand his anxiety- but and its a big but! He had a choice to walk away sooner, if he wasn't happy with what had been going on, but he now appears to think that he can question you on everything, because he is still feeling insecure.

It's big talk time I think. He either accepts that you didn't consider the start of the relationship as exclusive and accepts that you are now totally exclusive, or you let him control (through his own insecurities) you, to the point where you will resent him so much, that you will walk anyway.

Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 19:16

Thanks for the replies.

He doesn't trust me because he feels that I could potentially hide things from him in order not to upset him. His evidence of this is that I kept from him that I was shagging someone else and didn't tell him until he asked.

I can understand why he feels like that, but it's like he glosses over the fact that he knows that because I admitted to it when asked. I think everyone in my place would have tried to avoid saying something like that. If I had kept denying and he had then gone and found out I had been shagging someone else, then it would be different.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/11/2015 19:17

"When he was acting all jealous, we weren't in a relationship."
Well that was what you thought. I somehow doubt it's what he thought. In fact, even if you expressly told him you weren't in a relationship, I somehow think he'd still have believed you were.

He is jealous. This tends to be a personality trait rather than a reaction to a situation/person. In my opinion, he will never trust you, he will always suspect you of hiding things, and it will wear you down and eventually kill any affection you have for him.

How do you tackle this? Decide if you want to live that way. If you do, then do nothing, but if you don't, walk away Sad. He's very unlikely to change.

tribpot · 11/11/2015 19:17

Little lies lead to bigger lies, he says.

Not that I think you should give this any headspace, but another way to describe your discretion was 'politeness'. So you were fuck buddies with two guys at once - politeness dictates that you not mention one to the other, even if it is tacitly understood that you have more than one sexual partner on the go. That's not a lie. As you say, if/when he asked, you answered his question.

Why are you wasting your time with this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/11/2015 19:17

There are two basic reasons for jealousy; the jealous person isn't trustworthy and is projecting; the jealous person is insecure/needy/controlling. I don't like either of those scenarios.

Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 11/11/2015 19:19

As far as I know, he had told me things like "if I loved you, I would never tolerate someone else touching or even kissing you".
He had an idea that I was seeing someone else, but didn't know for sure. Since he kept seeing me, I assumed it didn't bother him that much or that anyway it wasn't a serious thing for him. T

OP posts:
Buttercup443 · 11/11/2015 19:25

What whereyouleftit said.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/11/2015 19:32

It is not going to be a very happy partnership at this rate. He's going to keep testing you and you're not going to relax for a minute out of his sight. Imo it's not going to work now he's shown this side to him.

timelytess · 11/11/2015 19:34

If he wants to have control over your dreams, you really do have a problem.

TurnipCake · 11/11/2015 19:40

Sounds too much like hard work OP. Some people can't handle the idea that their other half was seeing someone else before the point of exclusivity.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2015 20:38

Run away, run away.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/11/2015 21:00

If he doesn't trust you despite you considering yourself trustworthy then the relationship is doomed.

You can't tackle the fact that he doesn't trust you. That's his problem to tackle.

Telling you that he doesn't trust you because you didn't mention a dirty dream for a week is not a helpful way for him to deal with his problem.

It is his problem. If he keeps dealing with it by giving out to you about stupid stuff then it becomes your problem and you have to bin him.