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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Karma.....do they ever get their comeuppance?

47 replies

Bluesue26 · 26/10/2015 15:20

Just that really. Have had a spectacularly bad couple of years with stbxh. I basically let him walk all over me but did so because I thought it was best for our kids to see me being "accommodating", (in other words giving into his demands and getting zero in return). I've had enough and have got things going legally. He of course is being a monumental dick head.

I'd love to hear from anyone whose ex behaved appallingly and they managed to rise above it and be happy. Just to note, I do not wish any physical harm on stbxh but I would love it if he got a dose of his own medicine one day.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 26/10/2015 15:38

Nah, in the end you realise that you just don't care anymore x

hellsbellsmelons · 26/10/2015 15:42

Mine did - the girl he left me for had serious mental health issues and caused him all kinds of problems.
He even doesn't have a great relationship with his current partner.
Of course a couple of years ago he 'realised the error of his ways' but I was well over it by then!

NotTodaySatan · 26/10/2015 15:44

No. There's no such thing as karma as much as some people seem intent on believing there is.

The best revenge is a happy life. Don't waste your energy thinking about him or wishing him harm. Focus on moving forward and making your life and your DCs the best they can possibly be.

Jacquie88 · 26/10/2015 15:46

Mine did. He completely fucked me over and I was distraught but ended up so glad because my entire life is an upgrade. At the time I thought I would never be okay again and like you I kept doing the right thing and with hindsight I am glad I did. I ended up proud of who I am and I think his life is a mess and he hates himself.

Original poster
Bluesue26 · 26/10/2015 16:30

Thanks for responding ladies. Like I said, I don't actually wish him any harm. If anything like that were to happen my kids would suffer and that would rip my heart out. He seems to be extremely hateful towards me and I wonder if he'll ever understand the hurt he causes with his poison. He seems to thrive on treating me like crap and undermining me. The mad thing is despite his horrible behaviour I don't and wouldn't do the things to him that he does to me.
I hope I get some bloody great pay off in the end - I deserve it :)

OP posts:
GingerIvy · 26/10/2015 16:57

Mine is still being a dick head, but pretends to be Mr Wonderful to all who will listen. I ignore it for the most part. If I didn't, it would push my sanity right over the edge. I step in, of course, when it is detrimental to the dcs.

gatewalker · 26/10/2015 17:06

As long as you're waiting for pay-back, OP, you are still attached to him. Let me repeat that: it is you, not him, who keeps your attachment going by being even remotely concerned about what's happening, or not happening, to him.

Let go and move on.

Original poster
Bluesue26 · 26/10/2015 17:43

I understand what you're saying about attachment. Maybe there is an element of that there and that's why I've finally started things off legally. Just sick of the financial abuse, bullying, name calling etc. I blocked him from calling, (I don't call him), and only ever message if he needs to know something re the kids. I try desperately hard to not engage even after all his dirty tricks. It's draining and I just want to move on and be happier.

OP posts:
Homely1 · 26/10/2015 21:12

I wonder the same bluesue..I'm interested to know if they do too! Similar situation. Does he see DC?

Trills · 26/10/2015 21:40

Nope.

No such thing as karma.

Bad things happen to people without any regard for whether they are "good people" or "bad people".

Couldashouldawoulda · 26/10/2015 21:42

I think people who behave appallingly often do get their comeuppance, because their awful behaviour eventually tends to get them into hot water, one way or another! I can think of a couple of examples IRL. In the meantime, detaching and working on making your own life as happy and fulfilling as you can is your best bet, OP.

brokenhearted55a · 26/10/2015 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 26/10/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slobberdobber · 27/10/2015 00:10

ExP who repeatedly cheated on and abused me met a woman who got pregnant on their first date, left him then wanted child support. Stress of child support and subsequent law suit brought on alopecia where he went completely bald all over, lost his eyebrows etc. she moved away and took child with her and he cannot afford to visit. He messaged me that no women were attracted to him anymore and he deeply regretted anything he may have done to have karmically caused all his bad luck.

stareatthetvscreen · 27/10/2015 00:12

wot trills said

springydaffs · 27/10/2015 03:50

Well I wouldn't call it karma, I'd call it reaping what you sow.

And yes I do believe it. I've seen it countless times. Takes a bloody age though!

What concerns me much more is you debasing yourself 'for the sake of the children'. I assume so they can have a relationship with him? What sort if relationship is that for them when he treats their mother so badly? SO damaging for them! If you think they don't know it then think again.

Get legal, get tough. Boundaries - unemotional, flat, statements. Come down hard and unequivocal on any abuse of you. Do all that for your kids..

throwingpebbles · 27/10/2015 03:56

I know what you mean, I have just been told off by a barrister for being far too reasonable despite ex nastiness and for refusing to play dirty tricks/lie like he does

I want to maintain my integrity and pride in how I behaved, and to know my focus throughout it all was protecting the children from how he treats me (he is fine with them)

I used to feel despairing when he made nasty comments at me but I had an epiphany recently and realised the comments aren't actually about me at all but about him and his anger (the anger that drove me to leave him as I was so scaredh. Now I kind of feel sorry for him that his in ability to control his anger has cost him so much. And likely at some point it will cost him more. It has helped me feel much "freer" to look at it like that

throwingpebbles · 27/10/2015 03:59

And yeah, to me the best "revenge" is just spending lovely time with the kids, free of his anger and tantrums and inability to put anyone else's needs before his own (even our little boy!)

Mermaidhair · 27/10/2015 05:20

I went to hell and back with my first husband. I rise above everything for over 10 years. His abuse, his families abuse. I always knew if I remained civil and didn't speak badly of him that my dc would work it out for themselves. They are now both young adults and haven't seen him in over 2-4 years respectively. I knew it was best that they had a relationship and knew him for themselves.

Sansoora · 27/10/2015 06:01

I think people who behave appallingly often do get their comeuppance, because their awful behaviour eventually tends to get them into hot water, one way or another!

Spot on.

Then this

Nah, in the end you realise that you just don't care anymore x

Yes!

knaffedoff · 27/10/2015 06:42

Referring to the other woman, often these relationships fail and the ow eventually finds her Prince and she will have the fairy tale wedding, but will their be a cuckoo in her nest????

Original poster
Bluesue26 · 27/10/2015 07:34

homely1 yes he does see the kids regularly. He's applauded for being a wonderful father yet to me he's doing what a father is supposed to do.

brokenhearted55 ex stood there a few months ago telling me about an incident in a store with several staff members. I physically cringed. His behaviour is scandalous at times and not just to me.

springydaffs throwingpebbles I've been told by friends, family, police officers, mediation, a solicitor, and a very wise woman at womens aid that I need to be more assertive with him. I put what I want secondary to his demands and I have to stop.

It's frustrating when he says crazy things with regards to access/finances. It's like he's projecting what he's doing on to me.

I suppose the reason I started this thread was that a friend told me about her aunt who many years ago was left by her H for OW. The H was awful and she was left to raise their children alone on next to no money. She ended up building this wonderful career and raised successful lovely children/adults. The OW and H broke up and he bounced from woman to woman and although he's not a horrible person he's just pitiful. I saw this woman a few months ago and thought, she's brilliant. I hope I can do what she has.

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 27/10/2015 07:54

I like that story bluesue she sounds inspirational

I expect my ex may turn out the same as the ex in that story. His anger seems to cause problems in every part of his life.
And now he is throwing his dream career down the drain by hardly working at all so he can slash his maintenance payments and fight for 50/50 custody

That's interesting about the advice from women's aid etc. and I am sure they are right. It's just so hard to do, it goes against my very nature (which I guess ex has always exploited). And when I am "firm but fair" (eg when he suddenly decided he wanted them the next day which wasn't his usual day) he berates me in emails.

The best revenge is to live your own life well though. I really believe that. I try and shake myself down after his nastiness and then get on with having fun with my kids. I never slag him off to them and I won't stoop to his level where he buys them loads of toys every week (I can't anyway as he had slashed the maintenance!) but we make lots of happy memories playing games and going to playgrounds etc

throwingpebbles · 27/10/2015 07:55

"It's like he is projecting what he is doing on to me"
Yep. A thousand times! I think though that just realising that is empowering

Savagebeauty · 27/10/2015 08:02

I remained totally emotionally detached from moment I told him I wanted a divorce to when it was over six months later. He has been nasty, threatening, abusive...and I have risen above it. I am so happy.
I have a new man who is wonderful, dcs fine and achieving...he has all the money anyone could want but will be alone this Xmas.

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