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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Karma.....do they ever get their comeuppance?

47 replies

Bluesue26 · 26/10/2015 15:20

Just that really. Have had a spectacularly bad couple of years with stbxh. I basically let him walk all over me but did so because I thought it was best for our kids to see me being "accommodating", (in other words giving into his demands and getting zero in return). I've had enough and have got things going legally. He of course is being a monumental dick head.

I'd love to hear from anyone whose ex behaved appallingly and they managed to rise above it and be happy. Just to note, I do not wish any physical harm on stbxh but I would love it if he got a dose of his own medicine one day.

OP posts:
TooSassy · 27/10/2015 08:17

I agree with others that wondering about karma means to some degree that there is still an attachment (understandable since there is a tie to your DC's).

Here's what I think. Yes they will face consequences at some point. Because their fuckwittery will eventually catch up with them. If it doesn't who cares. Your single focus should be to get to the point where you really couldn't give a shit and you live your life filled with love, happiness and great memories.

IMO that's the best route for you!

Bluesue26 · 27/10/2015 09:30

throwingpebbles your story sounds all too familiar which is both sad and comforting at the same time.

It's like walking around with this really old coat on. It's soaking wet so it's really heavy, it smells rancid and it's covered in stains. The weight of it makes me walk with my shoulders down. All these people, (friends/family etc), keep snipping at it to make it fall apart but it won't come off. However, the coat doesn't feel that heavy anymore. I can straighten my back. The buttons have come off and the sleeves are now hanging by a thread. I just need to slip it off my shoulders.

I sound nuts :)

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RiceCrispieTreats · 27/10/2015 10:39

Karma is not about comeuppance! Karma just means that you experience the consequences of your own actions.

So, in the example of your friend, Bluesue, the lady had a wonderful career etc because she made it happen. That's the only thing that you can and should focus on: your own karma. The things you do, the thoughts you focus on... you can choose the ones that are the most healthy and productive for you. Such as not caring what your ex is up to, for example. Shuck off that rancid coat!

If your ex acts out of arrogance and self-interest, then he will reap the consequences of those actions: perhaps some material gain, but little spiritual growth or human connection. And that will be his karma.

We each get to choose our own.

springydaffs · 27/10/2015 22:16

I do think we have a deep need for justice when a great wrong has been done to us tho.

Yy we can get to the place where we don't care any more - and that's often when the justice comes! - but I think the longing, craving, for justice is healthy.

ladygoingGaga · 27/10/2015 23:14

I have often wondered about this, and for a while in my life hoped it was true.
However I think it is all down to how you deal with shit in life, one of my favourite quotes after coming out of an absusive relationship was
'everything happens for a reason' I think for a while I thought that, but then it dawned on me there is no great plan, no destiny, but how we choose to deal with problems.
what the quote really means is we can look at everything at teaching us something, and making us who we are, stronger, or whatever.

Karma is similar, there is no divine fate, however we are in control of ourselves, and to come away from a totally shit time in our lives and genuinely be happier and more content is the ultimate Karma - a two fingers up to the tosser if you will Grin

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/10/2015 23:39

I do believe in Karma actually, or at least "what goes around comes around", seen it happen too many times. One or two posters on this thread know the utter hellish nightmare that you couldn't make up that my children and I have been put through by my now ex-h and the OW. My ex lost everything, absolutely everything via ancillary relief proceedings. He was forced to walk away with nothing. His business has gone bust. He has gone from being a fit, handsome, well dressed man to an unrecognisable lump with obvious health issues. He has absolutely nothing except the clothes on his back. I am given to understand that a lot has gone wrong in their lives. I am aware that many people look upon OW with contempt. They have destroyed so many lives for the sake of their affair and their behaviour that I imagine they will always reap what they've sown.

My kids and I, on the other hand, are rebuilding our lives and have lots of plans and lots to look forward to. I am free of a serial cheat who betrayed me in every way possible. I didn't realise quite how strong I was and how much I could actually cope with. It's made me a better person despite being the most painful episode of my life. I actually feel sorry for my ex now in some ways and who, in his mid-40's, is completely reliant on his control freak "partner". Good luck with that.

YellowTulips · 28/10/2015 00:08

I don't believe in karma but I do believe in sociology :-)

My father told my about this study in birds on an island.

The birds would get some burrowing insects on them and if left it would cause death.

The scientists studying the birds identified initially 2 groups. They named them suckers and cheaters.

The suckers would use their beaks to take the insects out of the feathers of any bird who asked. Then they expected the other bird to reciprocate. Obviously when two suckers got together it was a reciprocal arrangement.

Cheaters let a sucker de-insect them then buggered off.

The scientists realised they had missed something as when you model the maths this behaviour would ultimately result in extinction.

So they studied the bird population again and by tagging the birds found a new group.

They called them grudgers. This group would initially assume any de-bugging was a mutual arrangement and any first encounter with a new bird was likely to be positive. However when they came across a cheater they didn't attack they simply refused to de-bug that bird again

They also found that most suckers morphed into grudgers as a result of repeated exposure to cheaters.

Equally some cheaters became suckers (but not grudgers) in an attempt to re-integrate into the colony after repeated attempts to de-bug were refused. Most cheaters didn't adapt their behaviour and died.

It was the group of grudgers who effectively ensured the survival of the colony of birds.

It's a long way of saying that you reap what you sow. If you keep fucking people over eventually you'll look around and realise no one wants to help you or even cares.

Equally if you have been fucked over you have a choice to still trust people, but never again let people walk over you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2015 00:16

I like that YellowTulips.... Smile

Tate15 · 28/10/2015 00:21

I do get the occasional low feeling but I have considerably moved on in the last few years after having discovered my partner was cheating on me, conned me out of money and possessions!

What really worked for me was turning the angry bitterness into scenarios of revenge or come uppance in my mind. Not of nasty things happening to him but of my doing incredibly well and bumping into him and introducing him to a good looking and successful man as my partner!

I would invent scenarios where he had argued with the woman he had cheated with and he was feeling los and his car had broken down and I would be in my new (fictional) lovers expensive luxury car and we would pull over to offer him a lift! I of course would be looking amazing and my new lover would be younger than my ex and exceptionally handsome!

I would run these scenario's through my mind when negative thoughts crept in. If I felt low or remembered and relived the humiliations, I would switch my mind to these daydreams.

YellowTulips · 28/10/2015 00:24

Thanks MrsC

I read your threads btw and would say you are a pretty damn fine grudger Grin

On the other hand your ex has defiantly moved from cheater to sucker status ;-)

I actually just googled the C/S/G study and up came a lot of links to Richard Dawkins (which makes sense as my father is a devout atheist!).

I was about 10 when he told me so I took this on face value as a "scientific study" but am not sure now - just for full disclosure!

Either way I liked the premise then and I still do. I take people on face value and assume the best. However I do live by the mantra "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

hollieberrie · 28/10/2015 01:00

Yellowtulips that is great, thanks for sharing.

Bluesue26 · 28/10/2015 08:43

yellowtulips thanks for sharing that. It's very interesting. I suppose ricecrispietreats and others who said you reap what you sow are right. You either start picking the bugs off for others or you'll be left to rot.

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legstightshut · 28/10/2015 09:36

I'm going through the divorce from hell at the moment and really struggling with his lies, cheating and abuse. I don't believe in karma but some of the stories here offer a bit of comfort that there is a way to get out the other end. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. So thank you Thanks

throwingpebbles · 28/10/2015 12:23

bluesue you don't sound nuts, the coat analogy is a good one, it really resonates with me. I have so many people snipping away at mine but I haven't yet managed to cast it odd, I don't know if I ever totally will, but it is clinging less tightly now.

Bluesue26 · 28/10/2015 13:04

legstightshut I'm sorry you're going through all that. I think that's why I posted. I wanted to feel that you will eventually come through it all happier and those that hurt us will come to regret their actions. I'm actually a lot happier than I was and definitely feel I look forwards more than back now.

I think the best thing that has come out of my situation is how friends and family have stood by me and helped. To think that these people listened and held my hand when I was desperately low must mean I have done something right for them to want to be there for me. Maybe that's me reaping what I sow :)

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legstightshut · 28/10/2015 14:03

Well most of my friends have shunned me in his favour (although he's told some terrible lies). Sad

I hope that one day I'll be happy again. It sure doesn't feel that way right now!

YellowTulips · 28/10/2015 15:43

There's a saying "the truth will out" and you know what - it's right.

Lies are actually easy to tell but hard to maintain. Over time people slip up and those around them realise the narrative has stopped being consistent or ceased to make sense.

As a rule people don't like to be "played" so when they do find they have been lied to - especially when it impacted their behaviour the reaction is on finding out is usually highly negative.

These "friends" will find out the truth in time and he will lose some of them because of it. You honestly won't give a shit, because you will have moved on and have surrounded yourself with people worthy of your time, compassion and company. Thanks

throwingpebbles · 28/10/2015 17:45

My ex has lied to lots of mutual friends as well. It's hard to bear at times, but I do hope the truth will out!

laughingatweather · 28/10/2015 18:15

Karma doesn't exist. Most people who treat other people like shit don't ever experience consequences.

But in my case, he's lost his career, his six figure salary and in a couple of months he's likely to lose his liberty and his extremely well - known reputation as everyone that fawned over him will be able to read about it in the local news.

And I won't shed a tear watching him break both legs (metaphorically) falling off that high, high horse he's been riding for so long.

YellowTulips · 29/10/2015 22:57

Sorry to hear your story.

But I think it is an example that you could throw in the pot below .

Catania451 · 17/12/2020 12:33

I really don’t know if there is such a thing as Karma. Often when we are hurt or abused then it somewhat justified to expect payback and not connected to a dented ego but simply a strong sense of injustice (and often despair at how people can behave so badly and so dismissive with it too). I personally think that the person who suffers is often forced in to thinking why such behaviour exists and why they were abused but the key is that though it can be crucifying you are asking the questions. Usually the person that made you feel so bad is not really likely to change (and certainly not easily). They are also unlikely to be retrospective about their behaviour and this just might one day be their undoing. So in a way you might one day get a sense of compensation, you may never know of this of course and even if they begin to feel the destruction, shock, sadness that they once forced on you, they will never think back and realise that they once dished out the same hurtful treatment. It is very difficult to let go and I often think that this is because you want to understand and also out of sheer despair – you really cannot believe that people can be so self-absorbed and so insensitive. But hey one day the tide might (and probably will) turn for them simply because of their own traits!

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/12/2020 13:18

@Catania451 3 year old zombie.

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