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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have 75% custody but no residency order

38 replies

BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 11:49

Can I move 120 miles away and take the children with me? We would live in a nicer town, I would live with my partner in his home. My Ex DH pays a pittance in maintenance (self employed, declares a fifth of what he earns, pays me £35 pw for 2 children!), so I struggle every month to support our DC and provide for them.
Any advice?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 24/10/2015 12:04

My understanding is that yes you can, however you would need to help facilitate contact by either driving halfway to meet and do handovers, or agreeing to take them and collect them 50% of the time.

Seek legal advice though before making any firm plans.

Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 12:10

Thank you.
My worries are:
my eldest child would not want to move (he is yet to realise that we live in a crap town), his dad and friends are here etc.
My ex DH would fight it, in fact I am sure he will- he has a narcissistic personality and is very spiteful, to him it's all about controlling me and making sure I am as miserable as he can possibly make me.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 24/10/2015 12:15

So really you just want to move in with your new partner? Couldnt he/she move in with you? If you sre struggling financially how can you afford to move? How could you afford to do half the travelling for contact? It makes more sense for partner to join you. It would also ease you financial problems having two incomes in the house. Your son has very valid reasons for not wanting to go. his parent wouldnt be there! It being a "nice town" doesnt really cut it tbh.

Isetan · 24/10/2015 12:37

How long have you been in a relationship with your partner, are you currently living together or has he always lived 120 miles away? In this town that is 120 miles away, do you have increased prospects of employment, support etc? How would you facilitate contact between your children and their father? Apart from the crapness of the town that you want to leave, what is your current housing, employment, support situation?

Yes you have a feckless Ex (me too) but the move isn't about him, it's about your children's best interest and without your Ex's permission, you will need to convince a court of this.

Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 12:55

Living with partner n his home would mean no rent costs to me (which at the moment is a huge cost to me); his hometown is a dream to live in with great schools, countryside, beaches, and he wouldn't want to leave it (and I agree with him). I would be able to commute to work easily (work is halfway between where I live now and where he lives), plus my DP in the same household is a valuable presence and he is great with the DC. At the moment where I am I have no more childcare in place (all nannies around here do not want me to use their Ofsted registration as do not want to declare their income), whereas in DP's town there are more childcare options (plus when I am away for work I would not need an overnight nanny).
I would be happy for DC to see their dad as much as possible and would be happy to drive them for handovers.
My exDH is so controlling and manipulative that his pitiful maintenance that he pays to me is another way of keeping me handicapped and struggling financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 13:00

Isetan, my partner has always lived 120 miles away from me.
Divorced mums relocate/remarry all the time, how am I stuck here with no right to move and take DC with me?
If he was at least supporting me financially I would see the positives of staying here (instead of losing sleep over rent), but the way things are exDH pays a pittance AND stops me from moving away AND forces me to struggle having to stay locally and pay rent while he is in the marital house? How is that fair in any court?

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 24/10/2015 13:05

I know nothing about these things but what could he do if you just moved, realistically? Also, why is he in the marital home and you and his children are struggling in a rental? Can you keep a log for a few months to show how much contact he has and establish a pattern so he cannot later claim he has children more than he does?

Isetan · 24/10/2015 13:06

You haven't really answered any of my questions, you don't have to but the courts will be asking similar and will expect answers.

TeapotDictator · 24/10/2015 13:12

Brandon - nobody is saying you have no right to move and resettle; people are just offering perspectives on the different issues at play here. It is true to say that your son has a valid reason for not wanting to move away in that his parent won't be there, and dare I say it your ex is likely to (in part at least) be motivated to oppose your move 120 miles away because he will be scared about being isolated from his children.

(Btw I am not "against you"; I am a divorcing mother of two and although I haven't met a new partner yet I have wondered about the issue of moving away if it came up. I've been through the court system through to final hearing regarding contact and so have some experience as to how they work. I am wondering about moving away for financial reasons but know that my children would be very stressed to be moved further away from their father - and I receive £1 a week for two children from him at the moment so feel your pain on that one!)

Is it the case that you have an arrangement where you have the children for 75% of the time, but this has been agreed between you and not via the courts?

If you intend to move away, you would be expected to come up with proposals as to how this could be made to work so that the relationship between the children and their father would still be facilitated. How would their contact be affected and what would you propose? Try to keep any bitterness about money/maintenance/him hiding his income out of it.

I don't think it's that likely that the courts would prevent such a move, but you may well be expected to share the travel.

Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 13:14

lalalonglegs I don't know what he do but he would go mental.
He is in the marital home because I moved out because of domestic violence, while DH was on holiday, and took DC with me. I worriedthat if had stayed he would have killed me.
We follow contact as per court order, and even though the judge has said my custody is 75% and his is 25% he still says he has 50% (anyway itdoes not matter what he says as it's all black and white).
Isetan: we were together 2 years, split up, now have been back togetor 6 months, and not livin together.
I rent privately, get no housing benefit and have very little support locally. At the moment have no childcare either.

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 24/10/2015 13:17

Just do it.

If he harasses you about it get a non molestation order.

Give women's aid a call for advice. He is continuing to abuse you.

Isetan · 24/10/2015 13:21

The stability of your current relationship will have a bearing on the courts decision and again. If I was a child I would not want to move 120 miles from my friends and from my other parent, to live with a man I have never lived with before.

I am also Hmm at this man being the answer to your financial and housing prayers. This idyllic (but probably more expensive) new town could be very difficult to stay in, if the relationship doesn't work out.

lalalonglegs · 24/10/2015 13:25

I'd risk someone going mental 120 miles away but I would get my ducks in a row first. Establish the actual contact he has so he can't a. 50% and report any DV even if it happened some time ago, in order to bolster any future injunctiong Light potentially need. Seek advice about the legalities and perhaps aim for a move in the springo nce you are secure in your rights.

Good luck.

NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 13:32

"we were together 2 years, split up, now have been back togetor 6 months, and not livin together."
Why did you and your DP split up?
I don't think you should move in with him just yet, that's a lot of upheaval for your DC when they have obviously gone through a lot already with their father abusing their mother. Have you had counselling and/or done the Freedom Programme since you split up with your ex? And are you separated or divorced - if divorced you should have got some money in the settlement?

By all means move to a better town which is closer to your job and has good schools for your DC. But don't move 120 miles just because your partner is there. Not unless it's somewhere you'd want to live even if you split up with him?

Isetan · 24/10/2015 13:33

Are you divorced from your Ex H and if so, was there no financial settlement? Paying a pittance in maintenance isn't viewed as financial abuse, even if this is the motivation of your Ex.

I am concerned that you are putting all your eggs in one basket with a partner who you've only recently got back together with and who you've never lived with. Have you had any counselling with regards to the DV?

Isetan · 24/10/2015 13:34

X posted with AnotherEmma

NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 13:35

Isetan great minds Smile

Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 13:37

Isetan, my current DP isn't the answer to my "housing and financial prayers", I am saying that if I moved in with him I and my DC would have a better life (sorry but less financial worries do make for a better life for the whole family), I would be happy finally living with someone I love and who is a decent man and my DC would have a great life too and grow up in a town with very little crime (as opposed to the shithole we live in now).
I would be happy to drive the DC halfway (or beyond) to hand them over to their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 13:43

I'd happily live in DP's town even if I wasn't with him. A very close friend of mine live there too and plenty of my colleagues.
Not divorced yet (split up 6 years ago but DH refusedto acknowledge divorce petition and I could not afford £150 per hour +VAT solicitor's fees to carry the petition forward).
I can't afford a litigious divorce and am not entitled to Legal Aid. To be honest, even if I was entitled to Legal Aid I'd still wouldn't be able to pay a third of legal fees.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrandonFlowerslover · 24/10/2015 13:44

Isetan, no no counselling for DV; I have no time at all!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 13:55

You are entitled to half the marital assets, so although you might have to pay legal fees, you would get much more money out of the divorce. So IMO you can't afford not to do it. Can you go back to Women's Aid and/or CAB to ask about low cost solicitors or solicitors that offer flexible payment plans (ie you pay after the divorce has gone through, or in instalments or something)?

I think that should be your #1 priority. You are clearly struggling financially and feeling bitter about it, so you need to sort it out.

I'm also concerned that if you haven't had counselling or done the Freedom Programme since you split up with your ex, you might still be vulnerable and may get into another abusive relationship without spotting the red flags. It is very common sadly. It's not necessarily the case with your new partner but I do think you should be very careful about taking it slowly and protecting yourself and your DC. You still haven't said why you split up? As you've only been back together for 6 months I think it's too early to move yourself and your DC in.

After what your ex did to you, do you really want to be dependent on another man for a roof over your head?

RandomMess · 24/10/2015 14:00

Completely "wrong" advice in many ways but I'd be tempted to move. Do not warn/tell the dc.

Once you've moved it may be harder for STBXH to get a prohibitive steps order to get you to move back...

What is his pattern for seeing the DC?

LilaTheTiger · 24/10/2015 14:01

Actually, everything AnotherEmma said. I'm reviewing my advice in light of your posts.

How long were you single before you met current BF? Anyone coming out of a DV relationship is vulnerable, no matter who they are.

Could you move to lovely town without moving in with boyfriend? To see how it all goes?

Also, see if you can find a solicitor who will take payment out of final settlement. Mine did. If he has stayed in marital home you are owed at least half of any equity.

Don't rush anything.

Isetan · 24/10/2015 14:37

after what your ex did to you, do you really want to be dependent on another man for a roof over your head?

This

As AnotherEmma said, going from one abusive relationship to a different type of abusive relationship, is all to disappointing common and that's why, programmes like the Freedoom Programme exist. From what you've written there's a lot of hope attached to this move and not a lot of substance.

Take the time and plan; follow the Freedoom Programme, get divorced, secure a better financial position, facilitate a relationship between your new partner and your children etc.

If he lives so far away, how much interaction have your children had with your new partner? Your children won't feel the benefits of their better life if they don't get on with your new partner. You are asking a lot of your children and placing them in a precarious position, by not giving them the time and space to establish a relationship without the high stakes of being in the home of your new partner and being 120 miles away from the security of their home, school, friends etc.

Isetan · 24/10/2015 14:42

Completely "wrong" advice in many ways but I'd be tempted to move. Do not warn/tell the dc.

Actually, this is completely the 'wrong' advice in every way.

Only do this if you want put your children under enormous stress and for them to distrust you.

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