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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just got a message from DP's mate...

49 replies

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 01:15

..saying that he has feelings for me. What on earth do I do?

Regarding his mate (let's call him john) - they are not particularly close but we often attend an event as a couple that John performs at. DP really admires john and was delighted when we started socialising with him outside of this event.

So what on earth do I do? I don't have feelings for john. Do I tell DP about the message and hurt him? Or do I keep quiet and have to deal with future social events with both of them present?

So as not to dripfeed DP and I have not been getting on well lately and I have considered calling it a day.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:24

Crikey. Would you be interested in this guy if you and DP did split up?

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 01:27

Thank you for replying! No I wouldn't - but part of me thinks that if a break up is on the cards then I might as well leave DP none the wiser. Also I don't think this would help our relationship at the moment

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:28

Hmmm. In that case don't say anything to DP. But do reply to the friend to say you're not interested. Keep the messages so you can show your DP in future if it comes up and he wants to be reassured that you didn't encourage it.

SheHasAWildHeart · 18/10/2015 01:33

Ignore and block

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 01:34

Thanks! I've been really up and down recently about whether we will stay together. If we do get through this rocky patch I will have to tell him- it feels like too big a secret to keep. I actually can't bear to think about how hurt he would be

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:38

Do you think he would feel hurt by you or by the "friend"? The thing is, you've done nothing wrong. And if you are hoping that the relationship is fixable, it will surely hurt more if you tell him later. He might wonder why you waited. If you tell him now, at least you'll have been open and honest. But do you think he'd blame you in some way? If so that's not great.

What are the problems in your relationship atm? What's your gut feeling on how fixable they are?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 18/10/2015 01:40

I would be for full disclosure at this stage, to prevent anything coming out awkwardly later, but my dh and I have a good relationship and he is not the jealous type. Sounds as if your dp might be.

PantryofWhoGivesAFuck · 18/10/2015 01:42

I think you need to tell him.

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:48

FWIW, I'm happily married and if a friend of DH did this, I would tell the friend to back off and tell DH about it. It wouldn't occur to me to hide it from DH, I would have nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing that. Telling DH would allow me to demonstrate that he can trust me (he already does, but it would reinforce the trust) and it would allow us to make a joint decision about how to deal with it. We would probably both withdraw from the friend.

If telling your DP would cause a huge between you, I think that's yet another indication that the relationship is in serious trouble. So you don't have to tell him but you do have to ask yourself whether this relationship is really going to work.

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:49

correction: a huge problem!

Charlesroi · 18/10/2015 02:02

I'd text the friend and say I wasn't interested. I wouldn't tell DP though because it could cause trouble between them and DP may assume the guy had some encouragement.
If it comes up later, say the text arrived late Sat night and you'd assumed he was pissed/playing a joke or something.

KeyserSophie · 18/10/2015 02:17

Just text back "sorry-wrong number". If he's not completely dense, he'll get your drift

HappyMeerkat · 18/10/2015 02:30

I think tell him, it could come out through them talking if the relationship did finish, also its not fair on DP that he is interacting with somebody and thinks highly of them is oblivious to the low depths they will go to. If he has done this to your DP (and you) then its obvious that he doesn't hold your DP in the same regard and in that respect your DP is vulnerable to be taken advantage of

Italiangreyhound · 18/10/2015 02:31

I'd tell him not interested and tell my dh. I think your dh should know that this guy is a bit of a shit. And maybe the fact you do not want your dp hurt and want to protect him shows you do have more feelings left for him than imagine.

If you split up I kind of feel it does not matter quite so much but what if your dp and you remain friends, he gets a new partner and this 'friend' makes a move on her? It could all come out in years to come and leave a nasty relationship between you and dp through no fault of your own.

However, if you choose not to tell, it is up to you.

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 02:35

Wow, thank you for all of the replies. I know if everything was going well in our relationship I would just tell DP. If I tell him now he'll be hurt by john-not me. Jealousy isn't really part of our issues-we are just very different people. I have told john I'm not interested. I imagine he is drunk and will regret this message in the morning. I hope he messages tomorrow to say it's been a horrible mistake but somehow I doubt it. The message was quite long and personal to me.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 02:50

To begin with I thought you shouldn't tell DP, but now I'm starting to think you should - not necessarily straight away, but definitely at some point. Whether your relationship continues or not, I think he needs to know that his "friend" John is no such thing. In his position I'd be upset but I'd want to know. Especially given how much he seems to look up to the two faced bastard guy.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2015 03:32

This may be completely off base, but is there any chance that your DP has put 'John' up to this as some sort of 'test' of your relationship? I mean, could DP be sensing your ambivalence and using this as a (stupid) way of seeing if you're still 'committed' to him?

The timing just seems rather odd.

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 03:37

Interesting idea acrossthepond but I really don't think that's it. They are not good enough friends and DP is a very straightforward man. Hard to explain on here but I just don't think it's likely.

OP posts:

tanukiton · 18/10/2015 03:38

I think i would pretend it was all a wind up and and email back along the lines of HA HA very funny! i think you email the wrong person dont worry i wont show your mates . And i would tell DP along the lines of 'you wont believe this but john has mailed me a lovely dovey email by mistake. and say you have deleted it.

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 03:43

Would love to tanukiton but the message is very clearly directed at me and has my name in it. After I had said I wasn't interested he replied that he was glad he told me anyway and was sorry

OP posts:

80schild · 18/10/2015 03:46

I would ignore it completely - delete the message from your phone and when you see him be polite but not friendly. Whether you tell your DP or not is up to you but my only question would be to ask what purpose would it serves telling him (particularly if your relationship is rocky)?

HappyMeerkat · 18/10/2015 03:53

80schild,

what about letting the DP knows the person he holds in high regard is not a very trustworthy person, its likely if they are that good friends if the relationship ends, he could be one of the people that the DP goes to to talk things through and console him or something, unbeknownst to him the guy secretly wanted them to split, if the DP knows things are rocky also he may have voiced concerns to "John" and John could have thought there was a possibility that something may happen.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 18/10/2015 04:19

You send him a polite but assertive message saying something along the lines of:

Hi John, thanks, I'm flattered but I'm not interested and as I am in a relationship with your friend I am surprised and disappointed that you have chosen to approach me with this. I'd appreciate it if you don't mention it again or it's going to make things very awkward. Regards, Sarah.

Then you say nothing to DP and carry on exactly as normal, including going to see John perform etc.

If you are not interested in John then the fact that you and DP are a bit rocky is irrelevant and shouldn't muddy the waters here.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 18/10/2015 04:21

But John clearly doesn't care that much about your DP.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 18/10/2015 04:22

oh I see you have already done that!

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