Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Just got a message from DP's mate...

49 replies

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 01:15

..saying that he has feelings for me. What on earth do I do?

Regarding his mate (let's call him john) - they are not particularly close but we often attend an event as a couple that John performs at. DP really admires john and was delighted when we started socialising with him outside of this event.

So what on earth do I do? I don't have feelings for john. Do I tell DP about the message and hurt him? Or do I keep quiet and have to deal with future social events with both of them present?

So as not to dripfeed DP and I have not been getting on well lately and I have considered calling it a day.

OP posts:

Phoenix69 · 18/10/2015 05:39

I would tell DP now. Best no secrets are kept. If you do stay together and you feel you need to tell him then, he might query why you didn't tell him now.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/10/2015 06:49

would those saying, 'don't tell dp', be happy to carry on admiring a woman and being all flattered by her attention etc when she had in fact hit on your boyfriend and probably only shown you any interest because she fancied your boyfriend?

how would you feel about said boyfriend allowing you to carry on humiliating yourself like this?

ValancyJane · 18/10/2015 07:30

If you flip it round, would you want to know if your DP had received a similar text from a woman, even if he kept it quiet to not hurt you? Surely if it all came out you'd feel a bit of a fool later and wonder if he'd kept it secret for some other reason? I would tell him.

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 08:30

Thank you all for replying. Didn't sleep much trying to figure this out. To be clear, DP and John are not close friends- they have more of a drinking buddy relationship (which I suspect DP is keener to develop than John is). DP and John have known each other for longer than I've known John.

I think/hope that John will message me with an apology and request to forget all about it today. If he does, I feel like it might be for the best to do so.

OP posts:

bjrce · 18/10/2015 08:56

John is a sneaky bastard who had no problem telling you how he felt, testing the waters. He's no friend of your dp.
Even if you are not going to stay with your dp, u would be completly honest with him and show him the message
You haven't done anything wrong. Give your dp a bit if respect, if he finds out you didn't tell him he will feel worse than if you do, believe me. Honesty is the best way to go.
That guy is no friend, your dp needs to be put in the picture. He's laughing at hour poor dp. What a nasty bastard, pretending to be his friend.
I would go along the lines " look what John has just sent, is he right in the head or drunk?" And show him the text, let him decide.

DinosaursRoar · 18/10/2015 09:03

It could well be if your relationship isn't solid, your DP has mentioned something similar to 'John' who is trying to get in first as 'rebound shag' if he is under the impression you are going to be the devistated party if your relationship ends. (rather than it might be you to call it a day) .

I wouldn't tell your DP now, if you have other problems going on, deal with those.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 09:18

you might want to mention it but stress you have already dealt with it and are not interested in john

DisillusionedGoat · 18/10/2015 09:25

What Dinosaur said. Don't tell now. You've dealt with the issue in a reasonable way. Sort out whether the relationship is on or off.

( Keep the messages.) Once your relationship status becomes more certain, talk about it then.

HannahHobbins · 18/10/2015 09:28

Aside from the whole John business, the bit where you said it would hurt your DH more than you could bear just hinted that you do really care about him and it was a really heartfelt statement. You talk really fondly of him too. Just an observation.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/10/2015 09:38

Hmm. It could of course be that John thinks your DP is not treating you well and you deserve better. Try not to make too much of a big deal over it.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 18/10/2015 09:38

i agree with hannah you do sound like you care about your dps feelings which is why i would tell to be honest if i wanted to save the relationship and explain i would never do anything like that because of how i felt about him

peggyundercrackers · 18/10/2015 09:59

I don't see what you have to gain by telling your DH, you've dealt with the issue and that should be it put to bed, no need to drag it.

BlinkAndMiss · 18/10/2015 10:01

Tell him, your relationship issues with your DP are a separate issue to this. This is about the lack of trust between John and DP, whatever happens between you and your DH you surely want to be on his side when someone is doing him a bad turn? The longer you leave it the more suspicious it will look, you haven't done anything wrong but by leaving it you may appear to be pondering your decision. And it shouldn't take any time at all to consider being loyal to your DH.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/10/2015 10:21

at the end of the day if you don't have enough respect for your 'dp' to tell him that a supposed mate of his has such contempt for him that he is trying it on with you then you should end the relationship immediately imo. the fact that you don't feel compelled to say omg can you believe so and so has the cheek to do this and treat us like this is proof enough that your relationship is fucked and you don't see him as a person and an equal and someone you care about and respect anymore.

ohtheholidays · 18/10/2015 10:39

I'd tell him OP,what I'd think is what if it was the other way round?You really admired someone and would like to become good friends with them and behind your back they messaged your OH telling them how they felt about them.

Even if you do split up,your OH could go onto meet someone else and John could do the same thing again with the new partner.Despite how you feel about your OH and your future together he really deserves to know the truth about John.

MatrixReloaded · 18/10/2015 13:42

I'd want to know if my friend was a parasite like this.

PaddingtonStareBare · 18/10/2015 15:22

Like another poster has said, you everything to lose and nothing to gain keeping this quiet. I would tell my DH if a "friend" () sent a msg like that.

Trills · 18/10/2015 15:43

If I thought there was any future in the relationship, I would tell DP.

If I were about to split up, I might see this as just one more conversation that I didn't want to have.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2015 16:02

If you have any thought of saving your relationship (even if you're just ambivalent about it) then you do need to tell your DP. Wouldn't you want to know if some acquaintance of yours sent a similar message to him?

It may not make or break your relationship, but he deserves to know that he has a 'friend' who isn't really a friend.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/10/2015 16:14

It wouldn't occur to me to keep this from dh.

What if John got drunk again and apologised to dp for trying to shag win you?!

Original poster

SarahManning · 18/10/2015 16:34

Trills - 'one more conversation I didn't have to have' sadly sounds about right to me.

From what I know about John I think he will feel horribly guilty and try to back out of a friendship with DP now. I agree he should never have sent the message in the first place.

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahManning · 19/10/2015 14:30

update: John did apologise and I've agreed we'll forget all about it. I've also let him know that he's put me in a difficult position and not to message me privately again. I know some of you will think I made the wrong call, and you may well be right - only time will tell.

The next hurdle is that DP wants to go to a social event that John will be attending this weekend. It will look very odd if I say no. Not sure whether to make up some kind of plausible excuse not to go, or to go and die inwardly at the hideous awkwardness of it all (and attempt to resume normality as soon as possible).

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 14:58

"The next hurdle is that DP wants to go to a social event that John will be attending this weekend. It will look very odd if I say no. Not sure whether to make up some kind of plausible excuse not to go, or to go and die inwardly at the hideous awkwardness of it all (and attempt to resume normality as soon as possible)."

This why you should tell DP really. Time to put your big girl pants on!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2015 15:39

I do think you should tell. If 'john' is liable to do stupid things when he drinks, you don't know that he won't get drunk and tell DP himself.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread