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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone reconciled after infidelity?

17 replies

veryfedup123 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Has any one come out the other side ok? I separated from H last year after he had an emotional affair. this had been going on in some form for 3 years, although I do believe it was a friendship for a good part of this. It came to a head when I read messages from him telling her how happy he could make her if they were a couple and he wanted to know if he had a chance!! She (also married) said she would rather keep things as they were. He had been moody and withdrawn at home for some time, like a teenager! I threw him out. Now he is so sorry, has broken all contact, it was an infatuation-almost an addiction? I don't know what to think?

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/10/2015 21:25

No don't.

I'm drunk, so this is probably blunter than I'd usually be, and riddled with typos. But he chose to cheat on you, and he took it out on you when she rejected him. I mean, really?

He's sorry now because she's not interested, so he's run back to you. That will hurt to hear, I know, but it's true. If she'd said yes, I'll leave my husband for you, he probably wouldn't be back talking to you.

Tell him to bugger off. It is possible to survive infidelity but it's bloody hard work, and it can't just be because his OW doesn't want him. He'll just jog along hurting you until he finds another one.

megandmogatthezoo · 16/10/2015 21:27

Anchor puts it very well.

Original poster

veryfedup123 · 16/10/2015 21:36

Yes I know thats what I would say to someone too. This is so hard. We were together over 20 years. :(

OP posts:

ILiveAtTheBeach · 16/10/2015 21:41

Sweet darling you must know that you are worth so much more. My ExH was a shite also. I'm now married to an absolute diamond. Please don't put up with this. Sending hugs

30somethingandticking · 16/10/2015 21:43

I committed adultery with an old BF about five years ago when my marriage was on the rocks. DH found out but told me he forgave me and wanted us to work. It was a slow road back but we are still married and in a good place.

He has never thrown it in my face and seems to have genuinely put it behind him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/10/2015 21:50

From experience, veryfedup - running back into the fire might make you warm again, but that doesn't stop it burning.

Your heart wants to run back to what is familiar because it's easy and predictable. You deserve so much better. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. I promise.

He's the easy option, but for him, you give up someone who would never dream of cheating on you and who thinks the world of you.

Original poster

veryfedup123 · 16/10/2015 22:03

I'm glad things worked for you 30something. I wish I could say we were on the rocks but we weren't really. He is blaming a mid life crisis, I'm not excusing him-he was awful. Things don't feel as black and white as when I first found out though. But yes anchor I think I would like my familiar life back. Not sure how I could ever really trust him now though.

OP posts:

30somethingandticking · 16/10/2015 22:07

Yes. Your situation seems quite different so I am not equating the two or advising you to take him back. I was really just putting my hand up to abswer your question about coming out the other side of adultery. It can be done but I think we are probably the exception more then the rule.

Original poster

veryfedup123 · 16/10/2015 22:19

It's ok 30something I know you're answering my question not advising me. I really never thought I'd end up in this situation-it's one of those things you think happens to other people. I'm grateful of peoples opinions/experiences I felt so strong at first but I seem to be having a massive wobble now!

OP posts:

OnceWild · 17/10/2015 07:59

We are four years past DHs torrid, long affair. It was a huge roller coaster and my choice to stay and not run was based on a range of factors, about me, about him and about our DCs. We radically changed our lives and are a happy family unit but it continues to niggle - me, not him - he's in a better place than he has ever been. I have a good life with lots going for me but something is missing - the deep down happy-ever-after adult life of my dreams. But is there such a thing? I don't know anyone who has it all. So OP it is possible but takes a lot of sacrifice, a lot of hard work and 100% committment and love from him. Good luck!

megandmogatthezoo · 17/10/2015 08:18

Oncewild Identical situation here. DH is so happy, it's like having tried something else he has realised where he is with me is his happily ever after. For me it feels empty, like something is missing. I trust him, but do I still love him? Not as anything other than a family member. He's no longer the 'one'.

Original poster

veryfedup123 · 17/10/2015 10:08

He changed into someone I didn't recognise the last couple of years we were together, very shallow, sporadic interest in me or his family. It wasn't too hard to separate from that person. Trouble is he seems to be back to his old self now. He says our separation has brought him back down to earth and made him realise what is important in life.
I'm sure nothing physical actually happened, but I know he can lie to my face now. I cant imagine being able to trust him again. It's hard because the kids are desperate to have him home. I feel like I'm the one breaking up the family home and making my kids much less financially secure. I wish OW had said yes then I would really know where his heart lies.

OP posts:

southlondonbaby · 17/10/2015 20:28

My parents got back together after a year separated due to dad's affair and running off with ow. It was OK for a while, but the rot had set in and soon after they were at each others throats. The reasons they had not communicated well and he'd had an affair were still there- power imbalance, lack of respect, drink etc

As a kid I hated the fighting, and after they reunited it got worse. But my mum thought staying together as a family was most important.

RedMapleLeaf · 18/10/2015 10:28

I have a good life with lots going for me but something is missing - the deep down happy-ever-after adult life of my dreams. But is there such a thing?

I miss that dream of the life-long partner, the lover who was also my best friend and that kind of untainted relationship of absolute trust. When it comes down to it, if I can't have that (because of him breaking that trust) then I'd rather not be in a relationship with him at all. I'd rather have the option of being with someone new. We'll both come with baggage, but rather that than the baggage of betrayal.

category12 · 18/10/2015 10:51

I did stick it out after he had an affair shortly after our first dc was born. Possibly during the pregnancy too.

We went on to have fifteen years together and another dc. But although we had good times, he never stopped behaving in ways that made me think he was cheating. We'd get over one thing, like me finding out he was on adultfriendfinder, and then there'd be something else. To this day he denies ever physically cheating again, but it didn't matter, I could never trust him. I was daft to keep trying tbh.

Maybe if he had never done the other things, I could have got over the original affair but I never got that chance. It still actually hurts today (the original affair - I loved him so much and thought we were so special..)

In good news, I am 100 times happier since I dumped his sorry arse three months ago.

cmarieb · 04/12/2017 17:56

Hi , I know this is an old thread but out of curiosity I wondered how things ended up . I'm in the same situation and torn is an understatement

StarsAreMine · 04/12/2017 18:46

cmarieb Come over to this thread
The OP is in that situation, and it's a current thread.

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