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For those of you that have rebuilt your marriage after an affair....

(47 Posts)
queencerulean Mon 04-Dec-17 03:53:46

Hi. I’m on a couple of other current threads and getting great support after h told me 6 weeks ago he’d had a 9 month affair.

Despite thinking I’d want to divorce him, it’s not such an easy decision with dc involved and I’m not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I’ve given myself 6 months to make a decision.

Today is our wedding anniversary. If you’ve rebuilt your marriage do you celebrate it? I’m struggling to see how it can ever be a celebration again knowing that he trashed those vows. I’m struggling to see how i can ever move on and rebuild the marriage.

But I know people do. I know it’s not easy but right now I need some positivity that it is possible. That you can indeed be happy together again...

CoyoteCafe Mon 04-Dec-17 05:38:39

My marriage survived my DH’s affair. We separated for a while, eventually spent time in counseling together, and gradually built a new relationship together. In some ways, our relationship is better than it was better, but it isn’t the same. Anniversaries bring that up. I named the date that I figured everything out “our sad anniversary.” This, honestly, is the more important date than our wedding anniversary to me. Our marriage is divided into before and after this date.

My dh always gives me a gift on our wedding anniversary, and we go out. I don’t do anything for him though. At this point, he makes most of the effort in the relationship.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. It really is life changing no matter what you decide to do.

On the upside, he never takes me for granted any more. He really listens and tries to make me happy. And makes time to do things with me that I enjoy. In a bizarre way, it was a massive wake up call for him that he values me and doesn’t want to lose me.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 04-Dec-17 05:57:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Mon 04-Dec-17 06:03:10

It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him OP. I can’t offer advice about the rebuilding a marriage but I can say that you don’t have to stay with him for the children. He needs to take the responsibility for separating his family.

andanothernamechange Mon 04-Dec-17 06:16:30

Hi there. Firstly 1.5 years on from where you are, I have finally admitted defeat and H and I are separating after doing everything right to repair the marriage.

In answer to your question we stopped celebrating anniversary's. We were big on them as well. Card, present, wedding picture on Facebook etcetc. But you can't celebrate something that has been betrayed and broken. If you genuinely can rebuild I would celebrate that in the future.

Jobjobjob Mon 04-Dec-17 06:28:33

I think I would just let the day pass without marking it.

PositiveAttitude Mon 04-Dec-17 06:33:22

I've PMed you. flowers

queencerulean Mon 04-Dec-17 06:49:28

Thanks all. Just to be clear that I would not be not be staying with him for the children. What I meant is I can’t walk away without trying to see if I can salvage our marriage. What he has done is completely wrong. He knows that and he’s currently living elsewhere.

I really believe that we could have a fantastic marriage but somehow I need to forgive the hurt he’s caused. And that’s what I’m not sure I can do. That’s why I need some positive endings to believe that it is possible.

user21 Mon 04-Dec-17 06:55:14

I know it’s not easy but right now I need some positivity that it is possible. That you can indeed be happy together again...

Read what the OP has written myheartbelongsto. Your comments are cruel.

queen 💐
Be kind to yourself. The day is probably best left for now x

queencerulean Mon 04-Dec-17 07:01:54

Thanks user. I deliberated over starting the thread as I knew I’d get comments like that. To be fair it’s nothing that I haven’t already thought before. But right now I have to give our marriage a go. At least if it still ends in divorce I know I’ve tried.

bigchris Mon 04-Dec-17 07:04:04

Agree myheartbelongsto was unnecessary

I do think op it is possible to move forward and create a better relationship

And the old cliche is true, time is a great healer, memories fade and you create new memories

LizzieSiddal Mon 04-Dec-17 07:05:06

Agree with you User. There’s no need for comments like that MyHeart when the OP has asked for positivity.

Queen my parents’ marriage recovered from my Dad’s affair. It happened when I was a teen, my mum like you wanted to give the marriage another go, and my Dad had to do a lot of the running. A few years later he told me he’d deeply regretted the affair and still felt guilt over it. They stayed together another twenty odd years (when my darling dad died) and had a very happy marriage.

jobjobjob Mon 04-Dec-17 07:24:10

Myheart, that was very cruel and must've upset the already vulnerable OP.

I suggest you ask MN to delete it.

OP I answered briefly below, but just be kind to yourself on the day. I personally don't think it's a day to celebrate this year, but maybe a day to just reflect and look forward.

andanothernamechange Mon 04-Dec-17 07:37:39

Queen, that's exactly as I felt.** Marriage vows include for better and for worse and I never wanted to have any regrets and also what might have beens.** Or feel that I hadnot tried my best to repair that marriage. For me I could understand the reasons he had an affair ( we were both unhappy) but could not forgive him for stepping over that line of trust. For me that destroyed any Love I had left for him.

However I don't regret the extra two years I gave him and the marriage at all and I wish you all the best and hope in the world.**

andanothernamechange Mon 04-Dec-17 07:37:57

Apologies for the bold!!!!!

Pinkpillows Mon 04-Dec-17 07:40:11

Give yourself 5 months not 6, just in case ends in divorce can still cite adult

Your being brave and determined to make your marriage work, not easy and I hope it pays off for you. Go into this with your eyes wide open, don't expect anything but less than perfect behaviour from him. Take things slow, but he will need to be completely honest about past affair and you'll have to accept it happened if this is to move on.

If you think there's hope of this working I wish you well OP

rainbowlou Mon 04-Dec-17 08:06:58

I’m 2 years on and I haven’t acknowledged our anniversary since. He does for me but I don’t mention it.
On our first anniversary after it happened, he gave me a present and a card gushing about how in love we were and I told him I presumed we wouldn’t do anything because our marriage vows had been broken, he broke down and I think it really hit him what he had done and the impact.
We may celebrate it again I don’t know, I take things a day at a time now. When I think about my wedding day I then think of him and her, i guess it’s easier not to think about it.
Good luck flowers

OldSofa Mon 04-Dec-17 08:37:31

I am 9 years on. It has been a long slog, but we are happily married and in many ways I think happier because we both realised what we so nearly lost. It took me around 2 years before I felt that the memories and shock of finding out was starting to fade, but now I can honestly say I rarely think about it and its a distant memory.

I think its highly personal if you decide to stay or go. Your husband also have to understand that it is a long road ahead and also has to be pretty determined to make it work.

I am glad I stayed. Also for the children. For me it was a marriage worth saving. Life is not always black and white.

Wish you the best of luck on your journey ahead whatever you decideflowers

queencerulean Mon 04-Dec-17 09:22:56

Thank you all for your kind words. It’s good to see that it’s possible to move on.

user21 Mon 04-Dec-17 12:28:29

We renewed our vows on that first anniversary since discovery.

It in no way said we were through it, over it or reconciled. It was a commitment to what we both wanted for the future and a new marriage.

mumof3boysilove Mon 04-Dec-17 13:39:56

Hi I’m in the same situation I’m 2 months into finding out my husbands affair . I always thought I would leave if anything like this happened but that’s not the case. I want to try and work at our marriage . It’s hard but hopefully we will get there . It’s just the constant thinking about the situation and what happened that’s hard

Bumshkawahwah Mon 04-Dec-17 13:41:06

I'm just a year on from discovering my husband's affair. it's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I am glad that we are giving it a go and trying to patch up our marriage. Things are getting better, slowly.

We did not celebrate our wedding anniversary, and I am not sure that I ever could again. I'm not sure there will be a time that I'll be able to completely forget what he has done. It still hits me like a punch to the gut now and again, although it's nothing like those first few weeks.

In some ways, weirdly, our marriage is better than it was before. We communicate better, we are both much more honest with each other, we are much more considerate of each other. I couldn't have imagined saying any of this stuff eight or nine months ago, I was so destroyed by all. Of course it still hurts like hell, and I don't think we are out of the woods yet. It has been a really, really hard road, but I'm glad we are we are we are.

Animation86 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:50:38

Bumshkawahwah has said probably everything I would say

My anniversary was the day after the day i discovered. Brilliant days to celebrate...not.

It helps to find yourself, I've done individual and couple counselling and while couple counselling was good and I guess, required, the individual stuff really helps me take steps forward and heal.

You're writing this on what is a brutal day for you. This will feel easy when the day is over. I know when mine was over I suddenly felt like I had been waiting for the day to come and once it was done I felt like I could breathe again

isthismylifenow Mon 04-Dec-17 13:59:13

We are divorcing now, but we did try for a further 6 years after finding out about his affair. As per usual he would forget about anniversaries anyway, so it was no different. But we separated for good after 19.5 years into our marriage. On our 20th anniversary he had a big bunch of flowers delivered to me. I said thanks, but made no more of the day.

OP, I think that I would not say anything at first on the day, and wait until he does...not sure if that is good advice or not, it is just what I would do in this case.

You can never day I will do x,y or z until you are in that situation. If you feel that you want to save your marriage, as does your dh, then it will take some work, but it is possible. Its very easy to say those words that it is over as soon as you find out the shock..... but things are not always as straightforward as just doing that. I also put a lot of thought, and strangely also gave myself 6 months (6 months of anti depressants, 6 months to decide). But, just don't put a time frame on it. That is mostly what I wanted to say. When you are ready, then you are ready, not just because 6 months have lapsed.

All the best OP.

RedForFilth Mon 04-Dec-17 15:49:18

I wouldn't even mention it. It means nothing now does it? He broke the vows.
Personally I wouldn't stay. But I will say you shouldn't be doing the "salvaging" or "trying. You don't owe anyone anything, remember your happiness is so so important. Good luck.

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