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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Changing my sons name have you had experience against fathers will

49 replies

Gladiator16 · 11/10/2015 19:59

I'm getting a regular on this site now ?? always asking for help
I wish I'd have found you sooner and maybe I'd not be a skinny shrivelled woman with all the stress I have endured over last 14 months and 9 court cases later
I would love everyone's opinion on this matter good or bad please !
I really want to use my maiden name again, I still use my husbands name because of my son .
I sat and explained this to my DS and he was really upset
I explained that mums have one name and dads have another then you came along and had daddies name .
I said what about having both our names and he thought it was a great idea
I asked my husband he as expected said fk off !!
, our DS will have a double barrelled surname with my name being the middle name . So really I'm not changing his identity I'm just making him feel secure and loved. Obv his feelings are the most important l
I explained this to Cafcass and they are backing my request. They called me and asked why and understood I believe .i
It's in their report saying they agree with my reason and its to be proposed at court at end of month along with proposed unsupervised contact l
Has anyone else succeeded in doing this ?
Thank you for you time and I appreciate so many people's opinions x

OP posts:
Toosassy · 11/10/2015 20:39

OP few questions.

You say in your OP that your DS was upset. Was this when you first mentioned changing his surname?

Maybe I'm missing something, but why does his surname bother you so much? I'm considering changing my surname back to my maiden name post divorce....probably won't because I cannot be bothered. But either way i wouldn't change my DS's surname. Even to make it double barrelled. Their name is already their identity. It's just another change they don't need.

That's just my view though. Am sure you have more than valid reasons for doing this.

MissFitt68 · 11/10/2015 20:40

So he still has his dad's name, yours is just added in the middle?

Bellemere · 11/10/2015 20:42

I'm surprised CAFCASS are backing it. I have successfully achieved this but the reasons were far greater than what you have said.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 11/10/2015 20:49

Yes, it can be done - I know someone changed from the father's name to her maiden name without their ex-H's consent, but she had to fight through the courts for it. It was granted because he was a convicted criminal, with a rare surname, and there was a cafcass report supporting the children's wish to be known by the mother's maiden name.

I would say that you have a fairly good case, because:

a) You are only adding your maiden name as a double-barrel/middle name to the current surname, not erasing the father's name.

b) your son has shown upset at not having the same name as you, and you have a cafcass report supporting this.

You will have to take it to court, and convince a judge, but Cafcass reports hold a lot of weight in court.

Specialsnowflake1 · 11/10/2015 21:07

I really don't see why you need to change his surname? My DP is having the same issue with his exw and unless your ex is a criminal, abused you or your child, or has no relationship with him at all then its likely the the court will not find in your favour.

pocketsaviour · 11/10/2015 21:11

Yes, OP's husband was prosecuted for assaulting her and I recall there have been other issues as well.

OP I have no experience of this but if CAFCAS are on your side, that can only help.

itsbetterthanabox · 11/10/2015 21:20

Specialsnowflake in what way is your partner having this 'problem' with his ex? Why would he fight against it! It shouldn't be a problem.

Specialsnowflake1 · 11/10/2015 21:34

Without getting into the whole story and completely outing myself. He does not want his name to be doubled barrelled with hers because

  1. She is double-barreling it the wrong way and his name will then be cut off over time
  1. She has already lied to the School about her surname and the boys surname and the relationship between her and her new bf i.e. calling him the DC father

We could type pages and pages (all backed up with evidence) of her trying to rub out him and his family from the boys lives but it would completely out me but its all about her saving face and trying to rewrite history.

Just for balance I have a daughter with my exp and she has his surname. This man of finically& emotionally abusive, a serial cheater and a complete cunt but she is his daughter and I would never dream to changing her surname. its her name.

Specialsnowflake1 · 11/10/2015 21:38

sorry for the hijack

Original poster
Gladiator16 · 11/10/2015 22:16

I can see you all have different opinions which is good to look at every perspective
I myself am acting purely on my sons wishes
He wants to have same name as me ! He lives with me and only sees his dad 2 hours fortnight . His dad is a bully .only to me though !
I don't want Ds to think it's to eradicate his father from his identity , I will not be changing his name at school etc
His middle name will be my maiden name
Therefore it's double barrelled
My husband is a pig and been arrested and charged with DV ! Cafcass have dealt with him lots and I do believe they know I have always put DS first even to the detriment of myself .
However my DS loves his dad and loves me and I have told him he is part of both of us.
I hate my married name it's vile so I can't wait to change it
I'm in court end of month so Cafcass backing name change not sure if judge will though as Cafcass have worked so closely with DS they know his needs

OP posts:
Original poster
Gladiator16 · 11/10/2015 22:22

Forgot to mention the name change is an add on for the judge to consider as I thought I may as well challenge that at the same time as the final hearing for my DS .
I have asked my husband but he said get lost its not happening so I am asking court to decide

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 11/10/2015 22:46

To be honest, I wouldn't change your son's surname. He can change it when he grows up if he wants to.

You say you were following your son's wishes, but actually it was you who suggested the idea and he was upset.

I would let it be, to be honest.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 11/10/2015 23:42

Make sure you inform the judge before the hearing that you will asking for this.

5madthings · 11/10/2015 23:52

Op I have no experience but I think having cafcass backing will help.

I don't understand the post re double barrelling the 'wrong' way and then one name being lost.

The madthings are double barreled. They are first name mysurname-dhssurname. It is never shortened, all documents have their full name and it is always used, at school, Dr's, on gcse certificates,passports etc. We don't shorten it, the kids don't shorten it and no on else does either. Neither part of the name has ever been dropped.

OllyBJolly · 12/10/2015 00:05

I've always thought it odd that the father's name trumped the mother's name. Why is the father's name more important?

I can understand not wanting to change DCs to new partner's name, but there should be no issue at all about the DCs being known by mother's name. Am I missing something?

When my ex left, I so wanted us all to have the same surname. I changed my two DCs to my name (which I'd kept). No problem, no issue, XH agreed.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 12/10/2015 00:22

Following as in a similar situation.
Going through divorce and exh had had nc with DS for over a year so want DS and I to have same surname.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 12/10/2015 00:23

He was also convicted of assault against me.

Specialsnowflake1 · 12/10/2015 14:57

Madthings double barreling a name should be mothers name then fathers name. She is wanting fathers then mothers name. Going on her past behaviour and the feeling of my dp he thinks that his name will just be dropped and the DC will be known as xx mothers name

goldierocks · 12/10/2015 15:20

Hello OP

Bit of background; my ex-DH was also convicted of a DV offence (against me).....restraining order in place, now lives in a different country and no contact with DS.

I was a teenage bride and have had my married surname for over half my life. It's also very similar to my maiden name and is quite long, so if I double-barreled both names it would be like hearing the same (long name) twice.

DS and I have decided to keep the name - it feels like 'our' name and I don't think of ex-DH when I hear it.

Your DS can change his own name by deed poll when he is 16 without his father's consent - would that be an option if he still feels strongly by that point?

Flowers
springalong · 12/10/2015 15:58

My DC has my maiden name (and my always name) as a 2nd middle name. It is not double barrelled but it was there if he ever wanted to use it. So I am not sure that you would necessarily have to double barrel it. Anyway at least you have CAFCASS on side.

Isetan · 12/10/2015 17:29

Given what's happened between his parents, I can understand your son's upset at your name change. However, I think his upset probably stems from the change and not necessarily the name. I personally don't think that changing his name at this stage, would provide as much reassurance as you think it would and given his father's attitude, it could create more hassle for your son.

I think you were too quick off the mark and I think you could have reassured your son without, in the first instance, agreeing to him changing his name.

I am not especially attached to names, my name is a hybrid of my absent father and neglectful mother's name. That DD shares a surname with the man that was convicted of attempted manslaughter (against me) doesn't bother me one jot. My connection to DD is far greater than a bloody name and she knows that.

Incidentally, how old is your son?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 12/10/2015 18:14

If it doesn't end up happening, reassure your DS that a name is just a name and that once he's an adult he can name himself anything he likes.

5madthings · 12/10/2015 20:41

No snowflake there is no rule that says it's should be mothers name then fathers name. We only have it that way as it sounded better when spoken.

And as long as it's done officially neither name will be dropped. I know loads of kids and adults with double barreled names and neither name has been dropped. I guess the child could choose to by deed poll as an adult but that would be there choice. The school, Dr's etc anything official will use the full surname.

Tbh it would be better if kids got mothers name precisely because of stuff like this. Thete is no reason theu have to get the fathers name. It's just tradition. If the parents separate it makes sense the child has both names tbh.

Dh and I are married but I didn't change my name, nor he so we just gave the madthings both names.but theu are a part of each of us so it made sense to give them both names. But I wouldn't have had kids with dh if he had been the type of Man to insist I changed my name and that the kids must have his name and only his name.

Leafitout · 12/10/2015 23:11

If your ex has a conviction of violence against you then his permission isn't needed to double barrel ds surname. This is the case if there is a current injunction taken out because of his violence.

Bellemere · 13/10/2015 10:46

That's nonsense, leafitout.