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Original poster

DH called DS 8 a pig, AIBU?

32 replies

50shadesofGreer · 10/10/2015 11:41

Ok so DH and I have been having ongoing relationship issues, he goes out when he wants without telling me, drinks too much quite often, swears and bangs stuff when things don't go the way he wants. We have two boys and our eldest is eight and has a sensitive nature like me, he and I have quite similar personalities and have been worried for a while that DH favours DS2 because he is more boisterous and physical like him. Anyway this afternoon DS1 had been eating Nutella and had gotten some on his face, hands and a bit on the sofa, I told him to go clean up and asked him to be more careful with it, DH then wanders in and says 'DS1 you are a pig' this was not long after DH and I had argued and I feel like he was taking his anger out on DS1. Ironically we had been arguing because he said he can do what he wants and I want him to be more respectfull and considerate.

So AIBU or oversensitive in thinking it's not ok for him to call DS1 a pig?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/10/2015 11:46

I think it depends how it was said. I've said to my DS before, when he's made a mess, "Oh DS you are a mucky pig!" or similar but it's always been in a jokey tone and then we've both laughed and cleaned him up.

Was your DS upset?

JeanSeberg · 10/10/2015 11:50

Your husband is abusive to all of you. What are your plans?

FunkyPeacock · 10/10/2015 11:51

Your DH doesn't sound very nice but called your DS a pig in isolation wouldn't worry me unless it was said in very aggressive way

I would call my DC 'greedy pigs' if they had done similar

Original poster
50shadesofGreer · 10/10/2015 12:04

I might tell the boys they are cheeky monkey or greedy piggies but this was not said in that way, he just flat out called him a pig, in the past he has called him a whinger and lazy but I feel like calling him a pig is getting meaner if you see what I mean. I told DH each time it's not ok to talk to DS1 that way but doesn't really seem to care very much about my opinions.

I should say that he can be nice and have fun with the boys, and he is not constantly drinking/swearing/leaving without saying a word/being mean to me or DS1 and he often says nice things too.

DS1 was ok mainly because he looks to me for reassurance/support/ comfort and I was not cross with him or obviously upset.

Jeanseberg I find it hard to be sure that he but I have told him he needs be nicer and more respectful or I will give up on the marriage but I get the impression he is not taking it seriously. Sad

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/10/2015 12:12

unless there is a backstory waiting in the wings then I think you're being very oversensitive.

SurlyCue · 10/10/2015 12:16

Context is everything. In the context you describe he sounds like a nasty bastard. Dont let anyone treat your children like that. Stand up for them, it teaches them to stand up for themselves.

PotteringAlong · 10/10/2015 12:18

Complete overreaction from the info you've given.

Meerka · 10/10/2015 12:19

I told DH each time it's not ok to talk to DS1 that way but doesn't really seem to care very much about my opinions.

the whole family has a DH problem, not just your son.

The good times may be nice, but the children will be learning how to be adults from both the good times ... and the bad. You can't divorce the two.

Somehow he needs a wake up call.

BabyGanoush · 10/10/2015 12:20

if DS2 gets nutella over his face/hands/sofa we'd call him a pig, and might even get cross about the sofa!

PotteringAlong · 10/10/2015 12:22

I'd be really cross if my 8 year old got Nutella on the sofa!

spanisharmada · 10/10/2015 12:23

If he is regularly saying/behaving towards DS1 in a way that belittles him, makes him feel unsure of himself etc, it is unlikely DS1 will walk away into adulthood entirely unscathed no matter how much you try to compensate, and even if sometimes he can be nice.

jeee · 10/10/2015 12:25

Reading the very limited information here, it sounds to me as though your household has managed to split itself into two armed camps - you see DS1 as 'sensitive' like you (which carries with it an implication that you favour DS1 over his 'boisterous' brother), whilst your DH favours the second child (and he might even consider that he needs to do this to make the situation 'fair').

I think you probably need to rethink your views on your sons - neither should be labelled at this age. The 'boisterous' son might have a very sensitive side, while the sensitive son may resent being pigeon-holed in this way.

Lightbulbon · 10/10/2015 12:29

This is an abusive environment.

Either dp acknowledges his behaviour and proactively addresses it eg anger management/counselling or you leave.

If nothing changes your boys will be damaged by being exposed to his behaviour.

Branleuse · 10/10/2015 12:34

ive called all my children pigs at some point if theyve been eating in a disgusting way, or shovelling food in like someones about to take it away from them.

I think the other issues with him are serious, but this, not so much

Original poster
50shadesofGreer · 10/10/2015 12:40

Jeee I BF DS2 on demand, co sleep with him and provide him with endless cuddles and affection (he is 18 m), he is boisterous and physical because he is a toddler and those are common toddler traits. DH kept on being boisterous and sporty whilst growing up but DS2 may or may not be the same. I care for them and favour them equally, in fact if DH is drunk I will often sleep with both boys or find other ways to shield them both in case he starts being difficult.

I have no objection to being told I am oversensitive but I will never accept that I don't adore both my children equally.

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 10/10/2015 12:42

If your DH threw this out as an off-the-cuff jokey thing then sure, I'd say you were overreacting, however:

ongoing relationship issues, he goes out when he wants without telling me, drinks too much quite often, swears and bangs stuff when things don't go the way he wants.

It sounds as though it's within the context of a marriage where things are pretty rough as it is.

TidyDancer · 10/10/2015 12:49

My father called me this. It was one of a number of insulting comments he would make about me and to me and left me with food issues and weight problems. He would disguise it as a joke. It's simply not okay.

babyboomersrock · 10/10/2015 12:59

if DH is drunk I will often sleep with both boys or find other ways to shield them both in case he starts being difficult

The good times would never outweigh this for me. He's obviously drinking too much, too often - and why should you have to endure his being "difficult", let alone "shield" your children from his behaviour?

HPsauciness · 10/10/2015 13:01

A one off comment in exasperation at Nutella on the sofa is one thing, but that's not what you are describing in the rest of your OP and comments. You seem to have much greater problems than this remark.

justwondering72 · 10/10/2015 13:02

We don't call people rude names is a pretty straightforward rule that I would apply to everyone in our household. Words are powerful, especially when spoken by a parent to a child, and you never know which ones are going to be the ones that stick in a child's mind.

In your shoes I would talk seriously to my DH and remind him that family rules apply to everyone. If he is annoyed about the sofa being messed up, then that's what he should be talking sternly to your DS about and ensuring then he cleans it up. I don't believe that shaming children is an acceptable way to teach them anything, so no I don't think YABU.

justwondering72 · 10/10/2015 13:05

But I also agree with pps that your problems go beyond a single remark.

LyndaNotLinda · 10/10/2015 13:07

I don't think him calling DS a pig is the issue. I think the fact that you sleep with your children to protect them from your husband when he's drunk is. :(

Has he always had a drink problem?

pocketsaviour · 10/10/2015 13:08

The drinking seems more of a problem than this one remark.

How much is he drinking, and how often? How "difficult" does he get when he's drunk?

Original poster
50shadesofGreer · 10/10/2015 13:10

The thing is I don't mind telling kids that it's naughty to push your brother or rude to stick out your tongue but I don't like calling the child naughty or rude etc. I do worry about DS1 self esteem. Also he is usually very well behaved and I feel like DH is happy to criticise him when he is not doing things right but doesn't notice all the good behaviour.

But DH went to a old fashioned boys boarding school and I think he thinks DS1 needs to toughen up a bit or something like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
50shadesofGreer · 10/10/2015 13:27

DH drinks nearly every weekend, sometimes a lot, sometimes not very much, he can range from noisy to doing stupid stuff (like crashing the car and losing his licence) or saying nasty stuff to me or rarely the boys. The last time he really went too far I said he had to limit his drinking or move out, he said he would stay with his mates first as 'it's not that bad' (his drinking) but them when his mates couldn't put him up he agreed to limit his drinking. Since them though it has been increasing again. He thinks I am overeacting. This afternoon he told me he can do what he wants, it's a free country, he doesn't need my permission and he won't listen to one of my lectures (the ones where I ask him to be respectful and considerate and think about the way his behaviour affects us.

I keep trying and getting nowhere arrrrrrrggggg.

OP posts: