So bloody tired...

[NuckyS]

Married with two DCs, one school-age, one pre-school.

Because of cutbacks at our work some posts are being amalgamated or just not filled when they become vacant, and the job I am currently working used to be done by three people. It's my first management job and it's overwhelming - constant pressure from everywhere.

I would like to try to say something, but it's led to a slight pay bump, and DW never stops talking about how little money we have, so I feel I can't turn it down.

I haven't had a break from work for a few years because I use all my leave for childcare when DW is at her part-time job, and at the moment I just feel utterly exhausted. I've tried to talk to DW but keep getting shut down.

This is what life is going to be like now and I'm not sure how I manage it. Not entirely sure what I'm asking at this stage, other than wondering how others manage?

No wonder you're tired, all your leave shouldn't be used fir childcare. What do you do evenings & weekends? Do you get any downtime? Do you & DW get much time to do things together?
You may have had a pay increase but you need to question if it's worth it & if not it's time for a frank discussion at home.

I'm in the opposite situation OP.
My husband 'enjoys' working 12+ hours a day and weekends from home and the kids and I never see him.
It's ruining the family life.
There's absolutely no point in burning yourself out. You need to tell her how you feel about it and if she cares enough she will see sense.
Are you really struggling financially or just not as wealthy as she's like?
What do you both spend money on?
Childcare would be a luxury for us and h is on 65K (3 kids albeit)
I'd love to go part time but frankly can't afford to.

oh Nucky, what a mare. I hate it when organisations do this.

when you say you'd like to say something but it's a slight pay bump - say something to whom? Do you mean you would actually like to step down and have lower pay?

And do you have very little money or is it getting wasted? You do need to talk to your wife about this. Can she earn as well?

Evenings and weekends are just about the house. Today, for example, I spent most of the day ironing and cooking. At weekdays now that the DCs are up later then there's not much downtime (if we're calling 'downtime' just 'time to ourselves'. I have to get up at 6am for the commute so am usually thinking about bedtime at 9.30.

Are you really struggling financially or just not as wealthy as she's like?

A bit of both - we don't do too badly, but we've been doing up our house and that's meant a lot of borrowing and credit card debt, I commute a long distance so there are lots of travel costs. Other than that, groceries and the DCs we don't spend money on all that much. I haven't been out for ages and don't have expensive hobbies so no money is being spent on booze or anything. We're comfortable, but work with really fine margins, probably like most folk.

There's a lot of work coming up with the house - it's needing a serious redecoration, and there are some damp problems. I do all of that myself but hardly feel able for it right now.

Nucky, I think you need to chat to your wife about division of chores. Sorry, I missed in your OP that she works part time.

I'm sorry if I'm being an idiot but ironing and cooking taking most of the day seems a bit odd. Are you batch cooking and doing quick stuff, because that will make life easier. And hardly anything needs to be ironed, is it your work shirts (again, just wondering how long that can take). If it's 5 work shirts, that's not that long?

the damp needs to be sorted, but serious redecoration can wait. it's not a show home, as long as you have what you need, the redecorating can be done when you feel up to it.

if you are feeling rubbish, you have to make looking after yourself the priority and the redecorating is the thing that can go on the back burner right away.

Why is she shutting you down? Is it just on the topic of work?

As your wife she is supposed to be supporting you and vice versa.
If things are tight then you adjust spending.
You're being pressured at work and at home and that's a recipe for disaster.

lorelei9

Yeah, it was batch cooking - stuff for tonight, tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday (DW works Mondays and Tuesdays).

Frecklesandspecs

It was probably my fault - I have tried to speak about how long it's been since I had a proper break from work (2011 was the last time, not counting paternity leave and Xmases) and got pissed off when DW didn't seem to see it as a problem. I had been on ADs for 6 months and the last time I raised the issue she had a bit of a go at me for not making any steps to come off of them, and that was that as far as meaningful communication went.

Well, sounds like you probably still need them at the moment. Are you on them now?
Whether you need A/Ds or not for clinical depression should be a decision taken by yourself and your Dr.
She might be worried that you'll get addicted to them possibly but still.
I guess she does most of the chores on the days she has off?

We split the chores more or less 50:50 - I do the ironing and most of the cooking, we split the laundry, DW does the hoovering, I do any 'heavy' stuff (cutting the grass, working with the car), DW works with the finances etc. etc.

I came off them shortly after we spoke about them. I had struggled a bit with work and after my Mum died, and ended up having to go to my GP about it.

Nucky - you're splitting chores 50:50 and working how many hours?

I'm afraid I am not liking your wife's reply on the antideps. And don't worry about other people's opinions of them, it's between you and your doc what you take and when you anything.

I'm usually in the office 8am-5.30pm - not contractually but because there's so much to do right now. I've had to take work home in the evenings the last few weeks too just to get stuff done.

Just feel a bit stretched right now.

What Lorelei said and I think it's wrong you came off them because she wanted you to.
Did you taper them off slowly?
So basically DW does the hovering and finances by herself?

Do you feel she is supporting you?

I don't know - it feels like we can't air any of this without getting into a row, mainly because there's no easy answer to any of it.

I just stopped with the ADs when I ran out.

Suggest stop bringing work home. Find ways to work smarter, not harder at work. Delegate work to others. Write yourself a daily list of must do and tasks that can slide over until the next day/s. Set yourself reminders.
If necessary go in earlier or take a shorter lunch.
Bringing work home gives you no break from thinking or doing work related tasks & it will make you less productive.

At home if you do a task weekly, can it be done fortnightly ?

Can you pay someone to do the ironing to give yourself some more free time ?

It sounds like you need to create some more free time

If you are spending your holidays doing child care, why cant you go on holiday during this time or for days out ?

Do you have family or friends who can help ?

Welcome to the world of parenthood.

You sound great. Taking your role in the house.

I've done it all alone for 25 years as a LP.

Ranting and raving is good, put on some music and dance around the house me but at the end of the day night you still have to do it....

Just find your way to do it not by running away to another relationship and more complications

Your kids will thank you for it. Isn't that what's it all about?!

It's difficult, but I think a lot of people are in similar situations. The early years with young DC are really tough.

I'm writing this from my break on nightshift; DH also works shifts and we work 50 hours a week. It is hard, hard graft. We have good childcare but we work these shifts in order that we can pay for a nice house in a nice area because we live in a city; 2 minutes in the wrong direction and you're in the catchment for a bad school. I've had 5 days off this year for the first holiday we've had in 4 years.

I'm not competing with you or anything; I'm agreeing it does all feel a bit endless sometimes. There's no way we can afford another DC [shrug] I guess I try to look at what I've got and be happy with it. Lots of people don't have what we do.

Agree that the comment on anti-d's from your DW wasn't positive and you should definitely go and see the GP for a re-issue. You may find that they stop you looking too much at once. Like you've got repairs coming up on your house, but they'll get done in time. Credit cards; they'll get pared down in time as well. I'm sorry about the loss or your mum. Do you think that could have put you into a 'what's it even all about?' type mindset? Easy to happen.

Apologies if I've misread your situation btw, but I also have been quite down about our situation in the past, but I suppose I think sometimes that life is just bloody hard work sometimes, and everyone goes through this.

Shopping A/Ds without tailing off properly will leave you open to worse depression. (I know as I've been n them a few years, like many, many other people who just need that extra help).
They don't change you but in my experience have just kept my head above water through some very testing times.
I remember a while ago, some 'christian' told me to stop them. (didn't need them as God could help me!) I stopped them immediately and ended up nearly suicidal!
My dad was a medical Dr and was mortified they'd told me to just stop them.

milkmilklemonade12

Sounds like we're in much the same boat ;)

We're sort of the same with where we live - it's quite expensive due to the long commute and the cost transport, but we love the area. It's where DW grew up and quite near to my family as well.

It's not that I feel I'm working any harder than anyone else, just that the last couple of years have been just 'big thing' after 'big thing' - Mum dying, DD2 being born, Dad moving from the family home, new job, new responsibilities, etc. It'll hopefully settle down soon, but just very hard work right now.

She needs to step up more, very selfish to work far fewer hours and not pick up extra in the house.

Her comments re your health and a break dismiss your feelings and being looked at as a money making machine makes someone feel awful.

Sit her down and talk to her, tell her it can't comtinue like this. Marriage is a partnership, not one dictating now life has to be to the other.

Nucky, I think you need to see the doctor again really. Things feel like such a mountain when you are depressed, plus you came off cold turkey - not a good plan. Like I said, whether or not you choose to take meds is between you and your doc. What anyone else thinks of it doesn't matter a damn.

If you stayed at home to be near family and so much has changed, is that still a good idea? Your commute is very long so I just wondered.

I hate to labour the point, but it sounds like you need to take all steps to make life easier....non iron shirts. Apart from work stuff, there's no need to have anything on your planet that needs ironing.

if you can't change anything at work, and I appreciate you likely can't, then your home chores need to be made as easy as possible, which might well mean cooking easier meals. and as I said before, definitely don't consider the decorating till you feel better.

If your DW does the finances, I am also wondering if there's a different way to budget so that you could get help in some way. I have to shop for my olds occasionally and because they do brands, sometimes I'm really shocked at how much stuff costs in comparison to non-brands.

your DW doesn't sound very helpful tbh.

You need to tell her that you're not coping. Do you actually have equal leisure time?

Why haven't you included your commute when mentioning your working hours?

RandomMess

I didn't mention the commute cos I don't suppose it's that much different to many other folk - it usually adds between 1hr and 90mins to the working day.

DW is helpful, but I just think that we have so much on our minds we can't focus on each other, and prefer just to go along to get along - I try to keep the peace because I have too much else to think about without a fight hanging in the air.

How do most people handle finances, out of interest? In our house I pay the mortgage, insurance, Council Tax, TV licence and entertainment, fuel and groceries. We split utilities and loan repayments according the proportion of our salaries, and DW pays the car finance payments. Stuff like kid's clothes or family presents we split - does that sound about right?

Erm not to me.

It's all OUR money and they are all OUR expenses.

TBH I handled all the day to day stuff but budgets etc. would be discussed.

What activities does your DW do when she's at home with the DC and does she enjoy them? I enjoyed taking my dc to toddler groups etc. and it in my mind it counted towards my hobbies/leisure time as I wasn't at home cleaning/cooking etc.

She cleans the house (hoovering, dusting, etc.) on her days home, does laundry, and has pets she cares for. She also takes care of stuff like shopping for the DCs clothes. There's a parent/child group twice per week that she and DC2 go to.

I think going through your finances together and seeing if there is an option of paying for a cleaner etc. to free up DW weekdays to do other stuff like batch cooking to benefit both of you would be worth doing.

At work you need to be hardcore and not work additional hours (unless you get flexi).

Not sure how you get your DW to understand that you really are struggling and need her support though. Something needs to change as you are clearly heading towards the edge of coping.