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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A dignified silence is hard!

38 replies

whateverloser · 12/09/2015 15:24

Ok, so in the opinion of the wise people on here, what would be the best thing to do here? Stbxh left over a year ago- had an affair six weeks after I gave birth to our fifth baby and left for the ow. Since, he has paid no maintenance and in fact left us homeless and penniless. I returned to work ( I have a good, professional job, where my reputation matters). He has told a whole host of lies about me - hectic could effect my job,and plenty of people now think I am crazy, rather than a hard working, single mum with sole financial and emotional responsibility for five dc. I have involved the cms and a year on, it still hasn't even got to court. I don't know where he lives or works. He is however a very good, convincing liar and a total narcissist. If I tell people the truth, will I end up looking like the crazy ex wife he is depicting me as? Or should I think sod it- people should know the truth. He has conned loads of people out of money- I didn't know this till he left and has been banned from doing his old job, which is on a web site, accessible by the public. Or, do I stay quiet and wait for Karma, while trying not to go mad.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 15:26

No, you don't stay quiet!

First of all you have to safeguard your job. Who is he talking to about this?

Could you afford a private detective to find out where he lives/works?

Do you know who the OW is? Can't you track him down via her?

What a bastard he is. You are well rid of him.

summerwinterton · 12/09/2015 15:27

I would tell the truth, but calmly and without emotion - and if he is spreading such awful lies about you that they could damage your career, well I would take legal advice on that also.

And the CMS - are they doing an attachment to earnings? I know it takes ages for that to be done - I am waiting for the same atm.

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 15:31

I know I'm well rid. He is horrible. He has told people that I have been sacked and arrested- I wouldn't be allowed to do my job if it was true. He has forged documentation to back up his story!! The police are now involved with that, but he has managed to avoid questioning for six weeks now! I don't know why they don't just arrest him. He has tried to destroy me, so that he can't be to blame for leaving. I can't afford a private detective. I know who the ow is and where she lives- ho doesn't live there. My worry is- will people just say- see, he said she was a nutter!

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Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 15:33

Cms can't do an attachment of earnings- his income is unreliable. In the meantime I have to weigh up if I can afford to go to work. At the moment I am working for my pension contributions, because of the high cost of childcare.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 15:37

I can't imagine how hard it is to go to work with five children, but in your position you can't afford to leave if people think badly of you. Could you at least work until this is sorted?

Men who leave without paying towards their children's keep are the lowest of the low, in my opinion.

cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 15:41

If he had behaved honourably, I would be behaving honourably.

He hasn't though, has he ? Wink I'd find it almost impossible not to to be sharpening my shiv in your circumstances.

Have you informed management at your organisation of the issues? (Just to ensure that your work is a safe place for you.)

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 15:44

What's the impact on you of what he's saying? Does anyone actually ask you about it? I would be tempted to say, "Of course you must believe whatever you want, but the fact is that he was having an affair when I was pregnant, left me with five children and hasn't paid a penny towards their keep since. The police are involved with him because he's tried to destroy my reputation and he's been banned from doing his job. I know he's persuasive - I know exactly what he's like. Now I haven't got time to chat any more - I have five children to look after and a job to do."

fuzzywuzzy · 12/09/2015 15:59

Agree with imperial, that's also the stance I take when meeting people who know twatface.

sod dignified silence, when it means allowing someone to cause more damage taking advantage of your silence.

cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 16:04

Out of interest, whatever, what is the situation with the DCs? eg is he trying for any access to them and how are they doing in the circumstances? (I'm wondering also how they would fare if you allowed his lies to go unchecked?)

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 16:18

He has nothing to do with the dcs. The older three (16, 15, 13) decided they wanted nothing to do with him. The older two odds both discovered his affair before I did, independently of each other, and didn't tell each even, let alone me. That breaks my heart that they were in that position. The 8year old would love to see his dad- I know that and I would never stop him. He didn't even get a birthday card however. He also ignores them if he sees them when he is out- we have seen him once or twice in his car, picking up the ones dd. There is a big cross over of friends with my dc and those of the ow. I am concerned what lies are being told to the friends.

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Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 16:20

As far as the day to day impact on me, well it is more the emotional strain really- of knowing that his version would seem to be the most believable.

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contractor6 · 12/09/2015 16:23

Tell your work mgmt what is happening with the police record back up, say its affect professional reputation and do they have a hr person to help you deal with it. With regards to finding him can you get friends to help you out?

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 16:30

Why would anyone believe him? They will see him with the OW. They won't see him with his children. Chances are if he was seeing his children he'd be invited to bring them along to things. He may well lie, but which mother of five children wouldn't appreciate some of the children spending time with their dad (if he was normal, that is)? His friends aren't stupid. They will know about his job - rumours fly around. They will also know about the people he's conned money out of.

And really, if they're too stupid to see through him, would you be interested in being their friends anyway?

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 16:40

His friends are mainly new people. He is very manipulative-we have lost contact with his dp because he told them I was lying. People believe him- I believed him for years. The people he owes money to, he no longer sees. He is very good at cutting people out of his life and moving on. I can see it now, but I didn't realise it was going on for years.

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50shadesofcray · 12/09/2015 16:59

No advice but Flowers for you OP

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 17:18

It's not that I am interested in being their friend, I am just struggling to cope with the lies. I'm concerned that I will have a total meltdown.

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cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 17:30

You're understandably stressed all to heck but I don't think you'll have a meltdown. Be very clear about your priorities for safeguarding though because you can't save everyone. What are they; DCs and job?

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 17:48

Yes, my priorities are DCs and job and neither of those can be jeapordised by a narcissistic arsehole and his girlfriend. The problem is I think they are quite similar, in that neither want anyone to realise they had an affair while there was a tiny baby on the scene. Both have been responsible for spreading damaging lies and slander. I don't know if she believes it as she has been told it by him ( probably) or if she is as bad as he is. My issue to deal with now, is I want everyone to know what he's done and what he's really like. He's a deceitful, violent man, who in the eyes of his new friends is this funny, charismatic charmer.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 17:54

But you don't need to see these new friends, do you? If you don't, then just let them all get on with it. Focus on bringing up the children without him. I know it's really hard when he's treated you all so badly but you don't really have any other choice, I'm afraid.

Original poster
whateverloser · 12/09/2015 18:11

I know that really Imperial, but I have moments of feeling so massively pissed off that I want to feel like I'm fighting back. He cares very much what people think of him, ironically. That's the reason he cuts people out of his life- once they've seen the real him, they are of no use to him. ( imo). I just want them to know it's him- not me.

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cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 18:16

Yes indeed. That's what I meant by being clear about your priorities. His new friends (and possibly his parents) will doubtless find out eventually what he's like and they may be damaged in the process. So be it. It's not your problem.

You can't save everyone - to conserve your energy, just concentrate on what matters to you.

cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 18:19

That was a response to Imperial.

You need to keep your focus. Trying to clear everything up may be largely what is making you feel so very bad - it's too big a task.

no73 · 12/09/2015 21:38

DO not give up work, seriously. The best thing I did when my ex left me was to carry on working. It matters for all sorts of reasons not just your pension contributions. Compared to 3 years ago I am financially much, much better off than if I'd given up work which would have been a very short term solution to being a skint, knackered and feeling as if I was just working to pay bills etc.

He's a nasty twat my standard response would be 'I wouldn't believe everything you hear but I'm not going to get in a tit for tat situation, believe him if you like but then do not be friends with me'

Stay strong. xx

dogmousebird · 12/09/2015 23:55

Interested reading this thread as I'm going through similar - my nasty ex has spread some really horrible rumours to mutual friends (none of whom are now speaking to me), my family, his family, even mums at school. I've tried the dignified silence and all it's lead to is me being completely cut off and ostracised by everyone. As he sees the DC he gets to play Disney Dad with everyone he meets. And he plays it very well.

I like no73's response. Sadly you can't get through to everyone and trying will only drive you mad. Cozie and Imperial are right, set people straight if they ask but otherwise focus on you, your job and the kids. That's what's important. Thanks

Original poster
whateverloser · 13/09/2015 08:47

I just wonder if righting a few wrongs will bring me satisfaction though. A nasty twat sums him up perfectly and at the moment I'm feeling a bit like I've rolled over and let him get away with murder. He's so good at being this perfect person- running for charity, being so selfless. Even today he's doing a half marathon for charity. It's all fake though; underneath he is rotten. He's good at the public facade though- which I'm not good at. I'm run ragged with job and home and look like I've slept in a hedge most of the time.

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