A dignified silence is hard!

[whateverloser]

Ok, so in the opinion of the wise people on here, what would be the best thing to do here? Stbxh left over a year ago- had an affair six weeks after I gave birth to our fifth baby and left for the ow. Since, he has paid no maintenance and in fact left us homeless and penniless. I returned to work ( I have a good, professional job, where my reputation matters). He has told a whole host of lies about me - hectic could effect my job,and plenty of people now think I am crazy, rather than a hard working, single mum with sole financial and emotional responsibility for five dc. I have involved the cms and a year on, it still hasn't even got to court. I don't know where he lives or works. He is however a very good, convincing liar and a total narcissist. If I tell people the truth, will I end up looking like the crazy ex wife he is depicting me as? Or should I think sod it- people should know the truth. He has conned loads of people out of money- I didn't know this till he left and has been banned from doing his old job, which is on a web site, accessible by the public. Or, do I stay quiet and wait for Karma, while trying not to go mad.

It's a difficult one. You often kind of hope for some sort of divine retribution for another person's dreadful behaviour (if you can't anticipate physical retribution such as police action) but I'm afraid that in my own experience, there's no inevitability about what goes around coming around. It seems as if some people just do move so quickly and dance so very well that they're always ahead of it.

I don't know what to advise on that and I'd welcome other people's views. I can say, however, that it will feel real good in the future to be able to sleep fairly peacefully at night knowing that you've behaved with honour yourself. (And you sound like the sort of person to whom that actually matters which makes you a great person to be.) He may be caught up in his own scheming or he may escape with few consequences. So be it. At least if you behave well, you won't have bad feelings gnawing at your own vitals in the wee small hours - and you'll be able to talk to your children in the future with a clear face and a clear mind. That matters a lot.

It does matter to me that I have never set out to deliberately cause harm. I haven't lied about him and in fact I haven't told most people the truth even. It's when I feel angry that I feel an urge to tell people what he's done. I'll wait and see what happens with the police and take it from there.

Whatever, I had to post when I read that your XH is doing a charity half-marathon today. Mine is doing one next week, and has set up a Just Giving page so that everyone can see he's doing this because the cause is close to the heart of his new DP and her son . This from a man who never lifted his @rse off the sofa at the weekend when I was married to him, and actually wore a groove where he sat a la Homer Simpson.

I do, completely, get that you want to inform people what a tw@t he is. My XH has a new life now, and has presumably told people that I am a crazy psycho bitch. I don't let this bother me, because:

1. I am approximately one thousand % happier now he's gone

1. I don't value the opinion of his new friends, so I don't care what they think of me

1. I trust in karma. It's a year today since he saw our DD, and she wants nothing to do with him. It's her birthday soon, and I doubt whether he'll bother to send her a card or a present. I tried so, so hard to make sure they stayed in contact, and I just about made my tongue bleed through biting it when I wanted to criticise him. He's moved on, though, and left us behind. DD said recently that if she gets married and wants to be walked down the aisle by anyone, she will choose my dad, her grandad, who has been there for her far more than her actual dad.

I like the suggestion that you should just say in a dignified manner that there are two sides to every story. The anger will pass eventually. I never thought that it would, but it does, and I'm so grateful to my friends who prevented me from doing vengeful things.

and

Thanks for your contributions everyone. My good friend keeps telling me 'don't fire any bullets' . I know he will dig his own grave. I just need to learn to cope with the anger when it raises its head. I am getting better at that, but slowly.

I think you should tell people the truth, calmly and matter of factly - if they ask about it. And if it comes up in conversation.

Don't keep his secrets. Just be open and factual, and do whatever it takes to keep your (fully justified) feelings out of it.

However - approaching people with the truth, when they haven't asked, or aren't expecting it, will only hurt you. That's completely unfair, but people prefer to be comfortable than hear the truth sometimes, and will irrationally blame the messenger in those circumstances.

I'm on the other end of this situation in a way. I'm connected to the shiny new family, and the new partner and her parents believe every word they are told. Others have noticed the selfish and dysfunctional behaviour though. His stories about the ex don't ring true at all, any more than some of his other tales.

My point is, don't assume everyone buys your ex's stories, just because no-one has said anything. Sometimes you're not in a position to call it out.

This thread could be my life right now. Some very useful thoughts already so thank you everyone for those and OP for posting. My only slight sadness is that I cannot protect my DC from this behaviour as they don't see it.

Protecting the DC's from the lies is the hardest thing spring .

Very difficult indeed. Children seem to need to think that the adults in their lives are just grand and don't much understand weaknesses of any sort.

One thing to remember, though, is that by maintaining a dignified silence, you're effectively keeping your powder dry. They've laid out their whole stall for the world to see and simply won't understand the non-reaction from you so the longer you go on with smiling sweetly, the more confused they're likely to be - and the more other people will start to instinctively wonder how the stories he's telling can be true when you appear to be the very soul of moderation. Any intemperate reaction from you is likely to be met, with some relief, by a 'See? I told you she was a nutter!' or similar.

Much will improve as you start to emotionally dissociate from him and forge a new life for yourself. If you grow really really itchy, you could always try writing the bad stuff down so that you have a record of it. (Just don't show it to anyone.) That could get some of it out of your thoughts and might also help the pacing a little.

Always tell the truth if asked and always defend yourself from lies. Their is a difference between firing bullets and giving karma a helping hand.

You could arm yourself with a few stock sentences, if you think that would make it easier for you to deal with it.

Maybe one catch all sentence like:

"Oh god, is he still peddling that crap?"

Thanks again- so many words of wisdom. It is helping me keep distance between myself and the situation, which can only be a good thing. I care too much about the whole thing really, which comes down to my ego really. I still have moments when I think 'who the hell do you think you are?! How bloody dare you!!'

Whateverloser
I have a very similar situation with my ex. Narcissist who iies about me (in letters to others and verbally) and to me (in letters). I have spoken to a local solicitor about it, but they said to just ignore. I might look at libel solicitors if it gets much worse. He also has a girlfriend.
x

I would guess you have a line in the sand as whatever does, though? For her, it's her job and her DC - and if I were her, I'd load for bear if anyone came close to impacting those.