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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advise -help!

26 replies

Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:43

This might be long but I will cut it down as much as I can (sorry) I'm 32 and I met this man online 5 years ago, we built a friendship via talking, cam talking, texting, emailing. I met him and he is who he said he was and we have spoken everyday for 5 years. It's like a "fake" relationship I have been with no one for 8 years because I had a baby and was left pregnant by my husband and it was a very difficult pregnancy and a difficult time as I don't have any family and really it's just us. He lives alone. We live about 2 hours away from each other but he doesn't ask to see me. He tells me he loves me and that he believes we will be together but yet he does nothing to lead our relationship that way, when I tell him I need to break away as I feel I'm waiting for something that won't happen he gets upset and then so do I. I'm lonely and just work and look after my child, everything I do is for or with my child. I sometimes just need a hug or someone to sit with but when I tell him this he tells me he is here for me, but he means over the phone. What do I do? I love him I have invested so many years. Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:45

Oh and he tells me he has been single for the 5 years. Any advise would be so very welcome. Thanks

OP posts:
Coolforthesummer · 06/09/2015 22:47

How many times have you met him?

CalleighDoodle · 06/09/2015 22:49

Dont waste any more time on him.

PrancingQueen · 06/09/2015 22:50

Are you sure he's single? It sounds very suspicious to me.
When you said you've met him, did you go to his house?
Even if he is single, it's obviously going nowhere, I'd cut my losses if I were you, you're still young and can meet someone who can commit properly to you.
I'm a single mum too, and I know how lonely it can be, but surely this 'relationship' is worse?

summerwinterton · 06/09/2015 22:51

sunken costs fallacy. Don't waste another moment of your life on him. He is stringing you along.

Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:52

Once. : (

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PrancingQueen · 06/09/2015 22:54

Once in 5 years? Confused Finish it Greenfaith you're wasting your time.

Morganly · 06/09/2015 22:55

Is he definitely not married? If not, he's just strange because this is in no way normal. He doesn't love you because if he did he would be feeling the same way that you do about spending time together and having a proper physical relationship.

Yes, you have wasted all those years on him but perhaps it was not a total waste as you did get some level of companionship at a difficult time for you. But now you are more than ready for a real relationship so start thinking about how you can have that. Not with him, as if he wanted that it would have happened by now.

So, think about how to meet someone. Could be online dating, could be by going out, could be through people at work, join a club or society etc, etc.

BiscuitMillionaire · 06/09/2015 22:57

Maybe it suited you in some way to have that kind of 'at a distance' relationship in the beginning, but now you are ready for something more real. So you need to end it and find someone who can cuddle up to you on the sofa. Good luck.

Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:57

I haven't been to his house. He has never asked me. In my heart I know it's not going anywhere, I think it's because I have only had two partners and have low confidence and I think he knows this. I don't understand the reasoning behind what he is doing, telling me what I want to hear but doing nothing about it. He tells me that his shy and that the thought of being with me as a relationship and doing what people in relationships do scares him as he said he thinks I would leave him. But I think he can't be that shy if he has had one night stands in the past.

OP posts:
Norest · 06/09/2015 22:57

You sure he isn't married? Even if he isn;t it's not bringing you much joy, this situation, is it?

Agreed with the 'sunken cost fallacy'.

Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 22:57

You are right I think. Thank you for your advise.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 06/09/2015 23:01

What lame excuses does he give you when you have suggested meeting up?

2 hours away is not distance so I hope he doesn't give the journey as an excuse!

Has the long distance relationship suited you during the 5 years? I mean if you hadnt pushed it for the first 4 years and now have decided that you'd like to move things on, then that does put a different slant on it, to be fair.

Coolforthesummer · 06/09/2015 23:01

This is a very weird situation. He is being quite cruel really, keeping you dangling with regular contact but not up for a relationship with you.

Don't waste any more time on him.

PrancingQueen · 06/09/2015 23:02

How do you really know he's single? Even if you're cam talking, and he's at home, he could have a partner who works shifts.
Sorry to sound so cynical, it's just a very weird situation.

Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 23:02

Thank you everyone for your advise, you all can see it more clear then I have and you are right he just isn't going to be the person I wish he would. Thank you.

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 06/09/2015 23:04

Good luck OP!

Original poster
Greenfaith · 06/09/2015 23:08

Well I have always mentioned seeing him, doing things with him, and he always agrees, but nothing happens. I don't want to force him to see or spend time with me I really shouldn't have to. He really should want to and push for that himself. He knows how I feel and I'm open with him with that and what I want he just agrees and tells me he wants the same but yet again nothing happens. He talks to me anytime I call and that's why I believe him when he tells me he doesn't have anyone. The only thing he keeps to himself which I don't like is his work, he tells me his an accountant but won't tell me where, just the area. I think that's not right after 5 years.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 06/09/2015 23:18

It isnt. He is being vague so you dont find out too much. Send him anmessage saying something like youre sorry but this has to come to an end for you. Yoi dont get anything from this anymore. Then block him so It is easier to move on.

daisychain01 · 06/09/2015 23:23

He sounds way too secretive and doesn't seem to have invested emotionally. Well, painful though it is, it is a step in the right direction to be realistic about to limitations of the arrangement.

In some ways breaking free is less traumatic when you don't have personal effects in each others houses. But very disappointing that it can't be what you expected.

springydaffs · 07/09/2015 00:09

I had a friend like this. The relationship was conducted almost entirely on the phone. I was a single parent, couldn't afford babysitters; she was married, kids. We spent hours on the phone, brilliantly simulating convos, hilarious etc...

I started to go NUTS. I felt like a brilliant book she got off the shelf - couldn't she at least try to meet up? Then one day she said in passing she had been out 'with the girls' and in a blinding flash I thought I'M A GIRL!!! HOW COME I WASNT INVITED??!

Anyway, I'm ashamed to say I cut her dead. No explanation ( Blush ). The whole thing had sent me crackers, I couldn't stand it in the end. Guess what, she turned up at my door a while later - so she could do it when she wanted to! But she was on the warpath, very angry i'd cut her off (all about her!). To this day I can't cope with long phone convos, I start going nuts..

Love, cut this man off. For whatever nutjob reason you are a book on a shelf to him. He is calling all the shots here. I was so lonely in the evenings through those years when my friend and I talked incessantly on the phone - but ultimately it crucified me, compounded my loneliness. Excruciating. It was such a relief to get the whole thing out of my life and start living. She used me (for entertainment? I was a bloody good book!), he's using you Flowers

Original poster
Greenfaith · 07/09/2015 00:13

Thank you for telling me that, I know you are right. It helps when other people tell you what you are too blind to see. Thanks x

OP posts:
springydaffs · 07/09/2015 00:16

It may have suited you for a while but it's not suiting you now [understatement]. To state the obvious: it's the not meeting up that is the killer.

Original poster
Greenfaith · 07/09/2015 00:22

Yes it's the not meeting up but also it's the bit where he just thinks it's ok to make me wait forever, he knows I get lonely and his out with his mates but has never asked me. It makes me feel bad about myself. I don't want to cut him off, I know I will miss him and having him on the end of the phone but I feel hurt by him also.

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springydaffs · 07/09/2015 00:27

I really do think this it's an all or nothing situation. He will continue to string you along for EVER, you do realise that?

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