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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stbxh is a judgemental prick

33 replies

JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 07:30

I left in November due to his EA behaviour, no regrets... He's tried for a reconciliation a couple of times but there's no chance. Neither of us have bothered starting divorce proceedings yet.

I've got loads of friends and have had a brilliant summer socialising / holidaying with them, only problem is I can't afford my new social life long term. I work full time but decided I need a 2nd job, so asked in my local (old man) pub if they have any shifts..... Yay I start on Sunday.

Anyway, the DC have obv told him and he's texted to say "good luck..... I'm going to see a solicitor this afternoon". I hadn't realised working in a pub was grounds for divorce!!

I'm so tempted to download the papers off the gov.uk website & get them sent first.... Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh how can he still wind me up!!!

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 04/09/2015 07:32

Why would you working in a pub affect him?

SevenSeconds · 04/09/2015 07:36

Maybe the two halves of his message are unconnected to each other? If you've been separated for nearly a year it seems reasonable to me if he wants to make it official.

tribpot · 04/09/2015 07:41

Yes - I don't get why it matters. If he is filing for divorce due to you working in a pub he's unlikely to cite that as evidence of unreasonable behaviour, after all. You've made it clear you aren't interested in reconciling so the next step is for one to divorce the other, if he wants to start the process off .. well, that's good isn't it? If you want to make sure your reply has maximum wind-up potential I would say 'great, I'll let my solicitor know papers are on the way' (and then go and get yourself a solicitor pronto) - make it clear you are quite happy for the divorce to go ahead and that you haven't even noticed the snarky tone of his text.

Rebecca2014 · 04/09/2015 07:42

Um there is nothing wrong with him applying for a divorce and I am sure he wont be writing "she works in a pub" as a reason for the divorce.

Me and my ex have been separated since October, I wish he bloody apply for our divorce as I'm not paying for it!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 04/09/2015 07:43

Er could the two things be unconnected anyway you don't want to be married to him so what does it matter what's promted him to take the step. Also surely he must have had an appointment to see the solicitor so what he was psychic and arranged the appointment before he was told you had a new job because it was in a pub!

Also I'm probably going to get flamed for this but er you sound quite selfish anyway, you work full time so what 40/45 hours a week, you have DC, surely the time your at home you want to enjoy being with them and looking after them, but your taking on a second job to fund your social life?! What?! Your social life is more important than your children?! So your friends have children surely they understand there's times you neither have time or can afford to join them. What about child care? Especially as your working on a Sunday your going to have to pay out for childcare, what then you get a third job to pay for your social life cos your paying your pub jobs wages for childcare.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 07:43

I know him and how he thinks.. The only possible reason I would make that choice is because I am a slapper who'll be shagging all the customers.

He is a judgemental prick. I worked in a pub when I met him & he used it as a stick to beat me with for 23yrs, he will see this as proof that he was right all along

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 07:45

Grown up DC

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 04/09/2015 07:48

Why do you care what he thinks ?
I'd say bring it on. Get divorced.
Grin

Rebecca2014 · 04/09/2015 07:49

Why do you care what he thinks?

NTTSO, yes it is not your place to judge the op for getting a second job. You know nothing about her childcare situation or even how old her children are. God forbid a single mother has a social life, it is shocking!!

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 07:57

Why do I care what he thinks?? I have no bloody idea. I know how hard I tried to make it work, I know I'm not the person he portrays me as.

I'd be prepared to bet he doesn't have a solicitor appt this afternoon, it's all designed to provoke a reaction. It just bugs me that he didn't want to divorce last week but me working in a pub is enough to tip him over the edge..... But you're all (almost all) right, I don't want to be with him anymore so what does it matter.

OP posts:
hesterton · 04/09/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 04/09/2015 08:01

Fortunately, even if you do shag every customer in the pub (and I think this is pretty unlikely!) it's not his problem any more, is it? Phew.

So I would get your own solicitor and let him know the name and address for correspondence, then ignore him completely.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 04/09/2015 08:05

Sorry how do you know I'm not a single mother or that my friends are?! It's not your place to judge me thank you very much!
If I wrote that my friends would be the first to call me on it! In fact one of them, actually did something similar not to the extent of getting a second job but she'd dump the kids in her ex because she wanted to go out in fact that's how he/we found out why their marriage ended she'd been having an affair, and told her ex she was out with her sister when her sister's husband called him to see if he was ok. I'm all for mothers of any type having a social life, I'm not for them putting themselves before their kids.

Op I'm sorry I didn't know your children were grown up, and I didn't mean you shouldn't have a social life at all in fact I said surely your friends understand, meaning if they don't you frankly need better friends. Then that's all irrelevant by the fact your children are grown up!
Also if your stbx has verbally avused you over a pub job for 23 years why does it matter who starts the divorce preceedings and think of it this way he's saved you the cost of applying, he's done you a favour! He can't use it as a official grounds. Once he's done it change your number delete his, you no longer need any contact with him, as your children are grown up they can make their arrangements to see him, and you have a brilliant time enjoying your friends and the people that support you. Sorry I called you selfish.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 08:20

NTTSO I think if you offer such strong opinions workout knowing all the facts you can't really complain of someone does the same to you. But apology accepted.

My friends are the best, I haven't felt pressured to do anything /go anywhere I can't afford it's just that I know that it isn't sustainable long term so I'm taking preemptive action. I loved working behind the bar when I was younger, I'm hoping it won't really feel like work.

OP posts:
Threefishys · 04/09/2015 08:31

Listen you split with him because he was a berk. He continues to be a berk. Soon he won't be your berk anymore. Job done I'd say.

Scarletforya · 04/09/2015 08:32

Neither of us have bothered starting divorce proceedings yet

Why haven't you started the divorce yet? You say he was EA, so it doesn't fit that you didn't 'bother' ?

You still sound invested in what he thinks. Who cares?

It's over, finalise it and move on. By failing to proceed yourself you left yourself open to him starting it first.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/09/2015 08:38

Grin oh the irony of Naught getting all affronted at being judged yet happy to judge the OPGrin.

Enjoy your freedom OP, think of the freedom divorce will bring.

Original poster
JellyBean31 · 04/09/2015 08:40

I left, I was out of it, it made no difference to me on a day to day basis whether we were divorced or not.

In theory it should be simple as there are no custody or maintenance issues so it just felt like there was no hurry.

Like I said up thread, I don't really believe he is going to a solicitor or that he'll start the process, I was planning to wait & divorce on the grounds of 2yrs seperation cos (for reasons I won't go into) the marital home can't be it up for sale for another year, but if I don't get the paperwork from him in the next few weeks I'll pull my finger out & get it started

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 04/09/2015 08:46

I'd text him back one word - 'Excellent!' Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2015 08:54

I would do the same as Fantastic but add, ' I look forward to receiving the papers soon'
Done!
He can then stew.
Please don't let him get to you.
I also have a 2nd job in a pub on Sundays.
Again it's an 'old mans' pub and I love it.
All the locals are lovely, you'll really enjoy it.
I have met so many new people as well.

YonicScrewdriver · 04/09/2015 08:56

"Listen you split with him because he was a berk. He continues to be a berk. Soon he won't be your berk anymore. Job done I'd say."

Yup!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 04/09/2015 09:09

grin oh the irony of Naught getting all affronted at being judged yet u happy to judge the OPgrin.
exactly my point! I'm not affronted at all, I said what I said with little information or a piece of information that would have changed what I said missing! How was I to know the ops kids were grown up. The same as the poster who told me it wasn't my place to judge didn't have the information about me. Yet she judged me, if it's not my place to judge the op its not her place to judge me is it?!
What she can judge me without knowing well anything about me, yet she can tell me not to judge other people! Rather loses the morel high ground I think!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/09/2015 09:21

naught You jumped in with both feet calling OP selfish and questioned whether she was putting her social life before her dc's.

Probably an idea to ask questions first before assuming she's a selfish mother.

Elledouble · 04/09/2015 09:23

What a tit. Fuck that! Congratulations on your forthcoming divorce!

marriednotdead · 04/09/2015 09:27

Given you've only been apart (separated) since November and presumably don't have a third party to cite, your only remaining valid grounds for divorce are unreasonable behaviour.

Several examples need to be listed, half a dozen was what my solicitor suggested. Specific incidences need to have occurred in the preceding 6 months otherwise they are deemed to have been accepted by the other party.
The pleasure of filing for divorce currently costs £410 in court fees with any solicitors bills on top... Will he really fork out?
If so, what grounds will he use?!