Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I go on another date with this guy?

34 replies

Playasgonnaplay · 28/08/2015 17:49

For background: I'm one year post breakup of a very long relationship. I categorically don't want another. Have an OD profile which is pretty clear about what I'm looking for (not casual sex, not one nighters but more of an exploratory kinky FB setup).

Anyway, had a first date last week with someone I met online (OKC 99% match if that means anything Grin) and it was really good fun (no crazy chemistry but he was easy on the eye and we laughed a lot) although I did notice that a few times when I said something he didn't react at all apart from to change the subject to something entirely different about him (it didn't flow like I've experienced before iyswim). Anyway, he seemed quite keen and initiated a kiss towards the end of the evening.

He's been making contact most days since and we have been discussing another date. I suggested cinema or more drinks and he brought up the fact that he'd been thinking of asking me to his for drinks.

Which to me means he thinks we'll have sex. I feel a bit uneasy. I don't want a traditional relationship at all and I do mainly want sex but I am also not willing to let myself be used by someone who is just looking for a spunk receptacle.

What say ye? Ditch or date?

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 28/08/2015 17:52

Keep it away from anywhere with a bed until you've decided you want to DTD. If he won't date thus - you have your answer!

pocketsaviour · 28/08/2015 17:54

If you're not yet sure you want to bang him, don't go to his.

I would tell him that straight out, as well. "I want to get to know you better before visiting your place."

spudlike1 · 28/08/2015 18:07

What do you mean kinky FB set up .pls ?But i would Date a few more times so you can both get to know each other and be more relaxed I'd do a shared activity instead of sitting opposite each other in the pub or drinking on the settee at his, always leads to the inevitable snog and so on , get to know him first see how he ticks ...then make your move

Original poster
Playasgonnaplay · 28/08/2015 18:19

spud just that I've realised that there's sexual stuff I've never had the chance to explore that I'd like to explore. So I'm looking for someone likeminded who I can do so with.

FB is fuck buddy. A bit crude but fairly descriptive.

Thanks all. I'm gonna say I'd like to go for another drink and see how he reacts. If he expresses even the slightest amount of displeasure, he's a goner.

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 28/08/2015 18:21

Yeah, fuck buddy should still mean buddy though. He should still be able to go for drinks, watch movies as well as fucking shouldn't he?

Otherwise it's just a booty call and not buddy at all.

spudlike1 · 28/08/2015 18:33

Oh ha ha I thought you meant kinky face book messaging ...oops
Even if I was looking for a fuck buddy I'd want to get to know them ..There still has to be a level of trust or at least knowledge about the man

featherandblack · 28/08/2015 18:41

I think you'll be looking a long time for a man who will take you to the cinema and be happy with a FB set-up. This is completely unreasonable! But no, don't go if you don't want what he's offering.

AskBasil · 28/08/2015 18:47

"I did notice that a few times when I said something he didn't react at all apart from to change the subject to something entirely different about him (it didn't flow like I've experienced before iyswim"

He's not remotely interested in you.

He'll do the fuck bit, but not the buddy IMO.

Fadingmemory · 28/08/2015 18:55

FB means a whole lot of f and no b. Red flag. Run

spudlike1 · 28/08/2015 18:57

I don't know I assume because you've said you want a fb he's assumed you're happy to go to his for a fuck ..and doesn't wish to spend hours talking in the pub ...fair 'nough I suppose

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/08/2015 19:12

Yeah I think you're being a bit confusing OP- to me, and a lot of people I think, a fuck buddy is not someone you're friends with, the relationship is purely about sex and nothing else. I'd never ask a fuck buddy to go to the cinema. It blurs the lines. So a second meeting where sex is on the cards would make sense to me.

It sounds like that's not what you're looking for, if you want to go on dates as well, so maybe its a terminology mix-up.

I guess you just need to be clear with yourself and potential sex partners what kind of relationship you're looking for and if you're not on the same page them move on.

thiswayupplease · 29/08/2015 00:45

Just saying that not reacting to what you are saying and changing the subject to himself is a weird thing to experience. ..just feels odd and stilted.. but it's a red flag for narcissism. So if you do go out with him don't get attached unless you've carefully watched for that . Is horrible and really painful to date a narcissist x

SolidGoldBrass · 29/08/2015 00:51

Do you like the idea of having sex with him? If not, don't go on another date. If yes, then one more date can't hurt, but don't agree to starting that date by meeting at his house if you're not sure you want to have sex on that occasion - better to meet in a public place so that you can leave if you decide against the sex.

And to a lot of people, a fuck buddy doesn't mean you have to do nothing other than fuck - it can also mean simply that the relationship is not exclusive and whatever the two of you do when you are not spending time together is none of each other's business.

Burnet · 29/08/2015 01:50

If you don't know if you want to have sex with him yet, don't go to his house, yeah, I think you're playing it right.

And you certainly can have a relationship where you go to the cinema etc and have sex but aren't a traditional couple. It might be harder to find than a "normal" set up, but if that's what you are looking for, don't settle, or you won't be happy! Good luck.

velouria · 29/08/2015 02:18

I would have thought fb=sex only, fwb is more dates+sex, but not exclusive. It's all bollocks anyway Grin. Tired of online dating. You know for a fact if he wants you to come for drinks he expects sex. So act accordingly, if you want a deeper relationship, use the friends with benefits. Fuck buddy to me brings to mind, hook up, and bye byes.

niceupthedance · 29/08/2015 07:45

I think if you don't have sex with him on the second date, he won't be asking for a third - your profile says you are mainly interested in sex, the guy is probably thinking 'cinema, wtf?'. Not saying anyone is right or wrong here, and actually if you don't want to tear his clothes off with your teeth I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/08/2015 11:39

I think in situations where you don't want a standard relationship, with the aim being serious, you really do have to be completely clear and unabiguous about what exactly it is that you want. So if for example it's to meet someone once a week, go out for a date, back for sex with an overnight stay, with no commitment, not monogamous, then say it like that. The problem with vague terms such as "fuck buddy", "friends with benefits", "casual dating" is that they mean slightly different things to different people. To me FB means just sex, FWBs and casual dating means sex with other activities such as meals out, cinema, etc. Make sure you and this guy are thinking along the same lines!

AskBasil · 29/08/2015 11:41

"to me, and a lot of people I think, a fuck buddy is not someone you're friends with, the relationship is purely about sex and nothing else. I'd never ask a fuck buddy to go to the cinema. It blurs the lines."

I find that really weird. Also the distinction between Friends with Benefits and FuckBuddy - modern sexual etiquette is so confusing.

What is it if you want to be friends, go to the cinema, go to dinner, have a laugh together, have sex, but don't want to move in and don't want to commit to a monogamous relationship? Is that a FwB rather than a FB?

(I like to get my technical terms correct).

whattodohatethis · 29/08/2015 12:15

If it is clear from your profile that you are mainly after a fb then it is reasonable for him to expect sex on the second meeting.
Up to you if you want to go ahead or not, but I don't think he is unreasonable to not want to go out out again considering what the expectations are

AskBasil · 29/08/2015 12:39

I don't think it's ever reasonable to expect sex from someone you've just met, tbh.

You might need 2 or 3 meetings to decide whether you fancy someone enough to go to bed with them.

pocketsaviour · 29/08/2015 12:43

I have always thought FB and FWB were interchangeable. Interesting to see how people interpret them differently.

If I'm looking for hook-ups I would still want there to be a social part of the relationship as well. A good conversation is like foreplay anyway!

OP meant to say that if you're looking for a play partner for something a bit more kinky than you've done before, I would want to be really comfortable with them before doing anything sexual. Whether he's tying you up or you're fucking his arse, there's a definite need for good communication and a reasonable level of trust.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/08/2015 13:46

"You might need 2 or 3 meetings to decide whether you fancy someone enough to go to bed with them."

For me the whole point of a no-strings purely sexual relationship such as a FB is that it's based on instant lust/attraction; I knew straight away during the first date if I wanted to fuck them or not. It's ignoring the head and heart and going purely on whether I got the fanny gallops or not (and assuming I didn't think they were wankers). The chemistry was either there or it wasn't. If it was there the second date was just a shag-fest.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/08/2015 13:54

I interpret them differently. A fuck buddy is a booty call at mignight, 3 in the afternoon, or whenever there's an itch that needs scratching although, of course, this doesn't necessarily mean that the scratcher will be available at short notice.

Friends with benefits encompasses all the joys of dating and copulation without any possibility of marriage/moving in together etc.

To my mind, the only thing they have in common is the fact that these non-exclusive relationships leave both parties free to explore other avenues if they so desire.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/08/2015 13:57

Grin a "fanny gallops" Bollocks. Are you planning to enter yours in the Grand National? Wink

Maleperspective99 · 29/08/2015 14:06

I think Spudlike has hit the nail on the head, you need to get to now him better, plan a few activities where you can both be active and relax a little. Also chillout a bit, if you want to see him do so, if not, don't.