Do I go on another date with this guy?

[Playasgonnaplay]

For background: I'm one year post breakup of a very long relationship. I categorically don't want another. Have an OD profile which is pretty clear about what I'm looking for (not casual sex, not one nighters but more of an exploratory kinky FB setup).

Anyway, had a first date last week with someone I met online (OKC 99% match if that means anything ) and it was really good fun (no crazy chemistry but he was easy on the eye and we laughed a lot) although I did notice that a few times when I said something he didn't react at all apart from to change the subject to something entirely different about him (it didn't flow like I've experienced before iyswim). Anyway, he seemed quite keen and initiated a kiss towards the end of the evening.

He's been making contact most days since and we have been discussing another date. I suggested cinema or more drinks and he brought up the fact that he'd been thinking of asking me to his for drinks.

Which to me means he thinks we'll have sex. I feel a bit uneasy. I don't want a traditional relationship at all and I do mainly want sex but I am also not willing to let myself be used by someone who is just looking for a spunk receptacle.

What say ye? Ditch or date?

Hmm. I just don't think I'd feel safe enough to do that Bollocks. Also, often what I've found is that first date =yeah, he's OK, would prob go to bed with him, while 2nd date= OMG, why did I think he was OK?

I think the idea of no strings sex is quite a good one ...but personally I need a connection to their brain as well , if they don't have the good manners to listen or be interested in what I'm saying I wouldn't be the least bit turned on

I think you need to work out what it is you want. I know it's tricky as I am in a similar situation, I have been OLD for a while, to begin with I was just looking for fun, I have met a couple men for sex and at the moment I have a FB but it's all a bit confusing, we talk a lot through messaging, we talk about loads of things including family and day to day things ( as well as sex ), I'm not really sure if we are in a relationship or if we are just FB. I think if you want a FB you need to keep it as just sex and not talk too much about other things. The other guys I have met we have dtd on the first date and not really gone on a proper date ( we just meet for sex ), it's much easier and you don't get attached.

I have probably put my self at risk several times meeting guys just for a bit of fun, it's probably best to meet at a hotel rather than go back to their place, there are a lot of weirdos on OLD ( I have met a few ).

LOVING the term fanny gallops. I will be filching that.

Yup a friend with benefits to me is dates/other social activities, + sex with no commitment or obligation. It's a really really tricky thing to do successfully, so often one party gets attached and then gets hurt. Fuck buddies is a much simpler arrangement, but IMO works much better wirh strict boundaries, to prevent the pitfalls of FWB :-)

Hmm so basically you don't want a relationship you want a fuck buddy but you also want him to take you in dates? It sounds like he will be the one getting used!

A fuck buddy is all about sex. I think what you want is a more friends with benefits situation. You need to make it clear to him that you also want to be friends. If you go out for a drink or whatever you need to be paying half. Don't go for a meal as this is relationship territory. And don't go to thr cinema as you can't talk to each other or get to know him.

I don't think this is the right guy though as you've told him you want a fuck buddy so naturally he thinks you just want sex. He also has changed the subject when you've spoken indicating he's not interested in anything else. You've just given him the completely wrong message I'm afraid. Try again with someone else but make it clear you want a friend.

If I can give you my experience based on a similar situation...

Met a woman I had a great connection with, lots of laughing, socialising etc... We wanted different things but decided that FWB would be a good thing to try, so for about 8 months, that's what we did.

FWB to me is about a "friend" that you also have sex with. That means socialising, meals out, movies etc... with the option of sex when it suits both parties. It's not a particularly committed relationship, and I personally don't see it as exclusive. IMO the only concern you have with each other's wider romantic life is that neither of you takes risks with the other's sexual health.

FB is a sexual arrangement. Booty call, whatever you call it. There is no socialising. It's that midnight call from the FB who's been out and is feeling horny and wants sex. Nothing more. Again, not exclusive, and purely physical. Again, making sure you respect each other's sexual health is paramount, and this is DEFFO a non exclusive relationship.

In my situation, FWB was great since we lived far apart, so only saw each other rarely at first. I continued to date and even slept with a couple of other women when things looked like they might be progressing.

What I didn't bank on was my feelings changing. Suddenly, FWB for me didn't seem enough so I suggested we became a couple. We did , and were actually incredibly happy for a while, but then something made her question what had been happening whilst we were just FWB. She thought I shouldn't have been seeing anyone else, whilst I assumed she'd been doing the same. End result, we split up, and I still feel devastated that I lost the best person I'd ever been in a relationship with, simply because we had different definitions of what FWB meant.

So, if all that was tl;dr.... The Short version is. FWB and FB will mean different things to everyone you speak to. If you go into one or the other, make damn sure you talk like adults understand boundaries and what the red lines are. Feelings WILL come into it unless you're incredibly detached. How you deal with those feelings will determine whether you find it a positive experience or not. Be REALLY sure in your own mind what you want.

Good luck.

RLD.

I'm totally with Rockluvvindad and Whataload here. Don't use shorthand terms, because they're not the same things to different people. You don't sound clear in your own mind about your expectations of the relationship you want. It's not a crime! But can make it messy and hurtful when feelings are involved - and they always will be, to some degree.

Personal safety and sexual health should be top priority for you. For your satisfaction and enjoyment of what you're seeking, it helps to be clear and open with the people you meet or chat to about specifics and your expectations eg do you want the relationship to be exclusive, regular, just sex or dates+sex, a secret or introducing each other to friends etc. it will be a fun journey, just take care of yourself and keep checking on whether you feel good about how things are progressing, and your choices.

"a "fanny gallops" Bollocks. Are you planning to enter yours in the Grand National?"
Alas, although my fanny is enthusiastic it doesn't have the required stamina these days

"LOVING the term fanny gallops. I will be filching that."
It's good isn't it. I nicked it off a fellow MNer.

Really interesting to hear about your experience Rockluvvindad. It highlights how feelings can change. It can be really hard to put a name to a relationship too, and I really don't see much difference between FWB and a realtionship. Maybe it's just that in a FWB situation there is no goal to marry or cohabit? Other than that it seems to consist of the same things.

Can I ask a question please? If you have a FWB situation, is it reasonable to expect the other person to tell you if they have shagged/are wooing someone else?

I would want to know this. But then on the other hand, the other person shouldn't need to report their sexual shenanigans to anyone