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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help? my husband hates me for having our 3rd child without his consent

33 replies

leannebc · 18/08/2015 14:30

Hello.
I'm at a very low point. My husband made me have an abortion last year even though I didn't want to go through with it. He brainwashed me into thinking we couldn't afford it and that my other two children would hate me for it. He also said he would leave if I didn't go through with it.
I went through with it begrudgingly.
My husband wouldn't get a vasectomy so we use contraception - at the beginning of the year I fell pregnant again as the contraception failed, this was also unplanned.
I have told him I can't go through with another termination as the last one nearly destroyed me.
My husband has gone mad - he's like another person. He's aggressive and argumentative. He's made me move into a spare room on a blow up mattress even though I'm now heavily pregnant. He's been lying to friends and family that I have done this to trap him into staying with him. He's changed into somebody who I'm now scared of. I hear him telling our other two children that all the arguing is because of me and they're starting to turn on me because I'm having an unwanted child in their eyes. He's telling people he's depressed and suicidal to get sympathy. He's not turned up to any counseling I have organized. He's got a Jekyll and Hyde personality. He's fallen out with 75% of his friends and family who all see him for the evil manipulative man he is.
I'm now at the lowest point in my life. We have a four bedroom house - two cars and two lovely children and live in a nice area. I'm now contemplating all sorts of horrible things.
My baby boy is due any time now.
Deep down I still want us to be a family and try and put his behavior over the past year behind me. Should I feel this way or do I need to get away from this shallow horrible person?

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 18/08/2015 14:33

So sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid you need to get away - your husband is abusive. He should have had a vasectomy if this was so important to him. It's disgusting to make a woman have an abortion against her will.

Could you contact women's aid as they would be able to give you some advice? You need to leave for your own safety and that of your children.

QforCucumber · 18/08/2015 14:41

If you didn't get pregnant on purpose then this is as much his 'fault' as it is yours.
The things you have don't matter, all materialistic, however you and your children do matter and IMO you need to move yourself and your children away from this man while you still have friends and family on your side.

You have tried with the counselling, if he is not willing to try then you cannot hurt yourself and your children anymore.

Baffledmumtoday · 18/08/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 18/08/2015 14:50

Hi leannebc - we're going to pop this over to Relationships for you.

Best wishes to you Flowers

BecksTroll · 18/08/2015 15:01

I never say leave without good cause but you need to split up, you know it's going to get worse, don't you?
He's being an utter wanker. You need to get lawyered up, sort the living arrangements - stay put/force a sale - and split the proceeds. Get all your documents together, check all accounts, get someone you know to come over when you tell him to go, don't delay.

category1 · 18/08/2015 15:09

You can't put that kind of behaviour behind you - especially when it's still going on! Please take control of your life, tell people what's going on, you say three quarters of the people you know see through his lies, so get their support and get help - get him out. You need to provide a safe loving home for all your dc and you can't do that with him there.

mindyourown15 · 18/08/2015 15:10

yep you need to split from him. Please call Women's Aid for support. Not only is he abusing you but your two children too, and goodness knows how he will treat the new baby once he arrives. You need to protect yourselves from him and his cruelty now.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/08/2015 15:11

You really need to get away from this abusive pig before he destroys you and your relationship with your DC for good.
Can you go to your family or a friend?
I'd usually advise staying in the house but under these circumstances.
Could you call Womens Aid and have a chat with them as well.
They can help you see what is going on and plan an exit with you if you don't have family or friends willing to help you out.
No-one on here is going to advise you to stay with an abusive partner.
The only acceptable amount of abuse is NONE!
Please leave and get to a good bed.
He's an absolute fucking arsehole of the highest order.
You and your DC deserve so much better.
Get away and do it fast.

Skiptonlass · 18/08/2015 15:13

Forces you to have an abortion
Refuses to take responsibility for his fertility
Punishes you for then getting pregnant despite refusing a vasectomy.

Leave him. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

By the way, he can have have the fucking air bed. If he'd not been so precious about his bollocks he'd not have this issue.... Get back in your bed!

goddessofsmallthings · 18/08/2015 15:15

He's made me move into a spare room on a blow up mattress even though I'm now heavily pregnant

Shock WTactualF??!! You shouldn't be made to do anything you don't want to in your own home.

Go back to your bed and if he doesn't want to sleep with you, he can move into the spare room and sleep on the blow-up on the floor... twunt!!

If he kicks off don't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from your home. A night in the cells or dossing on a mate's sofa might give him the wake up call he needs.

If he didn't want another dc he should have tied a knot in it. The fact that he's using his failure to have a vasectomy or control his sexual urges to turn the dc against you is beyond despicable and indicates that he's not fit to be a father to one, let alone three, dc.

This situation isn't going to resolve itself anytime soon and is likely to get worse after the arrival of your new baby boy who, sadly, is likely to feel the wrath of his df's tongue at an early age.

For this reason I suggest you consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce & family law with a view to ascertaining your legal entitlements, and make it clear to your h in no uncertain terms that any more of his nonsense will result in you petitioning for divorce on the grounds of his thoroughly unreasonable behaviour.

Flowers You don't deserve the treatment he's meting out to you and I sincerely hope you won't feel obliged to suffer it 'for the sake of the dc'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2015 15:18

Jings, he's a prince, isn't he? Angry :(

Fuck him off now, before he does something physically harmful - which he may escalate to, seeing as how he's changed so much over you just being pregnant "against his wishes" - stupid bastard, if he was so adamant he didn't want another child, he should have had the snip when it was suggested.

I can't express how sorry I am for you that you were put through this - first an abortion you didn't want, and then falling pg again to this abysmal waste of skin.

And now he's turning your children against you - lovely! What more could you ask for in a emotionally abusive wanker of a husband!

Make your plans to leave. Or kick him out. I wouldn't actually trust him to be safe around the baby, given what a fuss he's made about it.

kickassangel · 18/08/2015 15:19

It is possible to walk away with nothing then use the legal process of divorce to claim what you and your children need and are entitled to. Don't stay just because you think that walking out will impoverish you forever. Any abuse from him is likely to escalate after the birth, so you really do need to think about your safety.

If a miracle happens and he suddenly comes to terms with the baby, then you can start over from then, but hanging around in such an awful situation is damaging to your kids and dangerous to you and the baby.

For now think about how to get support to make you and your children safe and secure, e.g. Women's aid or family help, then worry about a long term plan to set up a life that works for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2015 15:21

And in all honesty, why would you want to "trap" him into staying with you - are you not married? Is he not the father of your other 2 children? So why in fuck would you need to "trap" him?

Sounds like he was planning to leave you anyway, possibly when your older 2 children were old enough to cope (in his eyes) - so give him his "freedom" now, he can fuck right off!

God, I'd like to kick him in his balls, hard enough to ensure he never fathered another child again. Angry

Thanks for you.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/08/2015 15:27

One ball each, Thumb? That should ensure he doesn't add to the population again.

Fairenuff · 18/08/2015 15:27

He's been lying to friends and family that I have done this to trap him into staying with him.

So prove him wrong by leaving him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2015 15:36

Certainly, goddess - or we could take it in turns; or even one from the front and one from the back, get a stiletto up his arse as well, maybe?

What a horrible specimen he is. :(

Momzilla82 · 18/08/2015 15:36

Please seriously consider leaving with your two children. Do you really want the first previous days with your new baby destroyed by this man? He's vile. Do you want your son growing up to think this is how to treat women? You should reflect on why you accepted his appalling treatment, if my husband made me a blow up mattress in the spare room is rip him a new one. Good luck and make plans. If you tbink were overreacting speak to your midwife

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2015 15:38

Oh yes, OP, please do speak to your MW, and then Women's Aid, and your GP and in fact pretty much anyone who will listen - making a heavily pregnant woman sleep on a blow-up mattress really doesn't fall into the category of "caring husband", but definitely does come under "abusive wanker".

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2015 15:45

"Deep down I still want us to be a family and try and put his behavior over the past year behind me. Should I feel this way or do I need to get away from this shallow horrible person?"

Leanne - you've called him both a shallow horrible person, and an evil manipulative man in your OP. What do you think - if this was a friend of yours, what would you tell her to do? Stay? Or get out while she still can?

If not for your sake, then for your children. Any daughters you may have will see your marriage and think this is how marriages are, and will then be susceptible to getting together with an abusive arsehole themselves - is this what you would want for them?
Any sons you have, including your baby, will see the way you let their father treat you and think this is ok behaviour for a married man to exhibit - is this the role model you want for your sons to copy?

I'm hoping the answer is no in both cases - so you know what you have to do, really.
I understand that what you really want is for your H to turn back into the person you once thought you knew, and to accept your new baby - but I'm going to stick my neck out and say "fat chance". Plus, there's never any forgetting this kind of treatment, however much you try to gloss over it to "save" your marriage (or in your case, shackles).

I'd like to point out an inconsistency in his attitude as well - you had the abortion last year because he would have left you if you didn't - so how does he make out that having another baby "trapped" him, since he'd already threatened to leave you if you did have another one? Makes no sense.

mindyourown15 · 18/08/2015 15:46

I agree - he is looking for an excuse to monstrify you to justify him leaving.

shovetheholly · 18/08/2015 15:52

It sounds to me like your relationship is broken beyond repair, and that he has now become abusive. The best thing would be to separate, and to get you and your children (and baby-on-the-way) to a safer and happier environment.

lunar1 · 18/08/2015 15:54

You need to get away from him, if it was so important he'd have had the snip. I agree with others he was getting ready to leave and would now look like the bad guy. He may have even been caught out telling an ow that you haven't had sex for years. Really sorry you are going through this.

Altinkum · 18/08/2015 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/08/2015 18:16

Can only echo what others have said. Get away from him. Yourself and your children do not need this and I use the term very loosely "man" in your lives.
He is cruel evil manipulating and abusive. To have forced you into an abortion is beyond corrupt. He was not carrying the baby.
Okay. He didn't want a baby.
Well he had 2 choices. Get a vasectomy or don't dip his wick. But he didn't choose either of those options, did he.

notapizzaeater · 18/08/2015 18:21

He's a nasty piece of work, turning your children against you. Could you get him to leave ?