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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So I've asked him to leave. What now?

33 replies

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:13

I've asked for advice on here before, possibly under a different name I honestly can't remember. Basically H hasn't 'done' anything as such I'm just fed up of living with a completely unsupportive manchild.

So last night was the final - final - final straw and I've asked him this morning to leave. We're actually staying at his parents' at the moment but I'm going home today with DD (separate cars) and have told him he can come round tonight and pick up some stuff but that's it.

So what now? I know it sounds like a stupid question, but I like a plan and like to be prepared but having had about an hours sleep and with 18 month old DD to run around after I'm struggling to organise a coherent thought pattern let alone a list of things to do.

Does anyone fancy holding my hand and helping me think?

OP posts:

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 18/08/2015 07:15

Be prepared for him to promise you the world and all the things you've asked him to do before.
Then be prepared for him to get angry when you continue to refuse his offers.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 18/08/2015 07:16

I know others on here always recommend getting your financial information together and seeing a solicitor.

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:23

Blue: that's completely his script. I've fallen for it every time. I will definitely be staying strong this time. Maybe I should make a shit- list to refer to every time he does tries to change my mind...

The thing is I don't really have any financial info. I'm a full time student and a very part time freelancer (I earn a couple of hundred a month usually) and he covers everything else. What would I need to get together?

OP posts:

CheddarGorgeous · 18/08/2015 07:26

Do you own or rent? Whose name is on the lease/deeds/mortgage? Do you have any savings? What's his salary and how much should he pay you in maintenance? What account does your CB and other benefits go into?

Best of luck to you.

Penfold007 · 18/08/2015 07:33

Go straight home and avoid difficult conversation with his parents. Collect up all financial and other important document such as birth and marriage certificates along with your and child's passports, put them some where safe so he can't take them. Ensure you have money in case he decides to empty joint account. Get legal and benefits advice urgently.

Be prepared for his parents to be annoyed and take his side.

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:36

We rent Cheddar, both names on the lease at the moment but we're in the early stages of moving anyway so that's not a massive issue. The new place will now be in my name only I guess.

I have savings from an inheritance but that's being held in my parents' name so he's got no claim on it thank god.

I've started a list with the things you've mentioned, thank you

OP posts:

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 07:39

Do you have a joint bank account?
Gather bank statements,insurance policies, any car info unless you own yours outright.
Is the house rented/owned and is it in both names?

Can you afford to live there on your own?
What will he pay/you need to support your child?
What access arrangements will there be?

If you need to apply for benefits or inform them of a change in circumstances do it today as it can take several weeks for your claim to be processed.

Seek out a good solicitor, ring round or ask divorced friends for recommendations.

I am sorry your relationship is over OP but if this is the end then make sure you stay strong as others have said.

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:39

Sorry Penfold, cross post. I'll be going fairly soon, he's already left to go to a pre arranged thing with a friend (priorities eh) and his parents aren't up yet so no worries about awkwardness luckily.

Good points, thank you. I've added them to me list as well. Should I take half of what's currently in the bank out in cash? Does that seem fair?

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 18/08/2015 07:43

If you think he will empty account then half seems fair. Worth speaking to the bank in case he suddenly decides to max out any overdraft as you may be liable.
Has he accepted your decision?

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:45

Sorry Stan cross posts again. Thank you all for answering so quickly!

I'm listing all the things you've said. I can use my savings for now and see what the benefits people say. We don't claim anything at the moment so I don't really know who to contact, the council or CAB maybe?

Thanks for the I might buy some on the way home to cheer myself up!

OP posts:

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:47

I don't know what he'll do and I don't know if he's accepted my decision. I saw him for all of about of hour before he fucked off to see his mate. He just kept saying he didn't want to split up and didn't want to have these kinds of conversations. He seems in complete denial.

No overdraft, so that's not an issue.

OP posts:

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 07:49

C/Tax you need to ring them and ask for a claim pack.

Child benefit incase you don't already claim it.

If you have a joint bank account you need to set up your own today so that your benefits can go in if you are entitled to them.

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 07:51

If you are renting then you can apply for Housing Benefit too.

Make a list and prioritise the top jobs and cross off as you go. It can be quite daunting but the sooner you can get your finances in order the less stressful it is.

Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 07:52

Have you considered counselling?

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 07:57

Thanks Stan that's so helpful. I'm furiously noting everything down and will start prioritising when I get home.

PP (sorry can't scroll back on my phone) do you mean marriage counselling? I tried to arrange that about a year ago but he wasn't interested. Not sure I can be arsed to try broaching it again if I'm honest.

OP posts:

heyday · 18/08/2015 08:08

The most important thing at the moment is to ensure that you are financially secure. If you have savings then you may not be eligible for any benefits.
Will he continue to pay half the rent if he is now no longer living there? If not, can you cover the payments yourself?
The charity Gingerbread are a great source of advice, information and support for single parents.
At some stage you will need to discuss maintenance and access for your DD.
You sound like a strong person and you will get through this and come out the other side. However, don't underestimate the effect it could have on your DD as daddy will suddenly not be living in the home with you both. This can be very unsettling even for someone as young as her.

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 08:23

heydey: I'm sure he will until I move because he's on the contract as well so it's as much his responsibility as it is mine regardless of whether he's living there or not.

The contact conversation is one I'm dreading tbh. I'm trying to make things as normal as possible for DD this morning and I guess I'll just have to keep doing that. It does make me a bit teary to think how confusing it'll be for her, especially as she's not old enough for me to explain it in any way

OP posts:

heyday · 18/08/2015 08:36

Leaving isn't always easy and it can still be a confusing, painful time even if it was a 'choice' to end the relationship. The emotions are complex.
Number one priority right now is sorting out your finances both short and long term. Don't assume he will necessarily continue to pay half the rent. People can be very bloody minded once they are being 'dumped'. Hopefully, he will pay but just be prepared for him not doing so.
This is going to be a very difficult time for all if you. He probably hasn't actually done anything wrong but your feelings for him have changed and you can no longer be with him. He is almost certainly going to find this difficult to deal with.
Try to take one step at a time. You know that the next few months are going to be tough, they just have to be got through. I truly hope that once the dust settles then you and your DDs father can have an amicable friendship whereby you can both be loving, supporting parents to your DD. She loves and needs BOTh of you even if you won't all be living under the same roof.

Joysmum · 18/08/2015 09:08

Also don't assume wherever you were planning to move to will allow only you to be only the tenancy in your situation as you will have passed credit checks based on him.

GarminGirl · 18/08/2015 10:44

And check new landlord even allows housing benefit as most don't/can't due to insurance

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:46

Housing benefit is paid directly to the tenant so the LL does not need to be informed however it is always best to be honest.
You may lose the property as the agreement would have been based on the joint income coming in and obviously this has now changed.

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 12:22

Hi sorry I've been entertaining DD and driving.

Thanks for the advice about the new house but I'm positive it will be okay. I don't want to give too much info but it an absolute.

With regard to him not doing anything and it being my feelings that have changed, I think that's a bit unfair tbh. I've put up with his inability to do any housework or have any organisational skills for years; I've done everything in the house, all the financial stuff and for the last eighteen months done the lions share of the childcare even when he hasn't been at work. I've had horrendous pnd and a sudden onset physical disability and still managed to keep us going while all he's done really is earn the money. I grant you that's important but it's not enough. So yes my feelings have changed but preciseley because he hasn't done anything.

I didn't really want to get into the issues tbh I just wanted some advice on where to go from here but that felt a bit like an accusation that this is my fault and it really isn't.

OP posts:

GarminGirl · 18/08/2015 12:25

No stan housing benefit is not paid direct to the tenant. Not in every area.

MQv2 · 18/08/2015 12:28

Has he agreed to leave?
Be prepared for him to not to just pack up and leave.
Is there long left on your tenancy?

Original poster

LifeIsJustThis · 18/08/2015 12:31

He's agreed to come back tonight and pick up some stuff. I'm sure he won't be happy so I've arranged for DD to stay at my parents' tonight so she's not there if it gets heated.

I'm pretty sure he will leave tbh. He's not a nasty person just a bit of a twat who has consistently shown an inability to behave like an adult.

OP posts:

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