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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People that always turn people against others

42 replies

DefinitelyNoWay · 17/08/2015 16:50

How do they do it? How can they manage to get a whole gang of others not speaking to one person? How do they get away with it?

I have had this happen to me several times over the years, the women that turned others against me were always people I would consider to be good friends. My 'best friend' at secondary school even did this to me but I didn't realise until after I left school, I always thought that I was unpopular.

Now I have had it happen again with a mum from my DCs school, and I am actually intrigued about how she has done it. I am not a very exciting person with no scandal in my life and I am fairly quiet, so there's not really anything to actually tell people to turn them against me.

OP posts:
Coffeemarkone · 17/08/2015 16:53

oh yes I knew someone like that...about 20 odd years ago...
oddly I think she has done it again with some mutual friends just recently..even though I haven't seen her for all that time.
She could actually turn family members against each other, let alone groups of friends.
She would decide who was 'out' and make sure that everyone obeyed her.
I have no idea HOW one does this.
Be a complete biatch I suppose.

sebsmummy1 · 17/08/2015 16:56

I've had it happen when I was being bullied in a Junior school, thankfully not ever since.

Sounds like you have been Wendied. Person is a friend or claims to be anyway, then makes friends with other friends of yours and systematically freezes you out and turns these other 'friends' against you. Does that sound familiar? It seems to happen a lot and I can only assume it's some nasty fucked up personality trait that some women seem to have. A power thrill I imagine and a Queen Bee thing. Social media seems to have allowed these narcissists to thrive and make the 'victim' feel even more alone.

ARV1981 · 17/08/2015 17:02

This happened to me at high school.

I have never allowed myself to have a "group" of friends since. I sometimes think that's a shame but hearing that grown-up women do it too I'm pleased I haven't ever been tempted to fall into a group again.

I think I'm anti-social though Grin

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 17:09

It's their insecurity and a sense of your niceness I think.

I had it happen in secondary school and as the peace seeking, and slightly more vunerabke girl I walked away from my dearest friend.

Same girl got in touch on FB 30 years later and asked the first question, are you in touch with X? (Our friend in the middle of our toxic triangle).

I burst into tears, even though I hadn't thought on it for so long.

ZetaPu · 17/08/2015 17:14

When someone (a Wendy) turned me and others against a friend (I know! I was 20 and gullible), she told us that my friend been saying things about me. Things that were nt even important, like she'd given me a pound for something and then apparently she'd gone round telling everyone that I was skint and she had to keep giving me money. It's hard to explain but it was stuff that was believable and you wouldn't want to confront anyone about. Wendy would also tell us how friend had been nasty to Wendy but not to say anything as she didn't want trouble so we were all appalled and annoyed with friend but didn't say anything.
Thankfully we cottoned on eventually and felt so foolish and awful. Friend forgave us and we re still good friends 20 yrs on.

stargazer2030 · 17/08/2015 17:31

Someone has tried to do this to do this to me recently but only half suceeded. I think the reason was jealousy over a mutual friend in the group and the fact that i am a bit of a leader and the Wendy didn't like it (I didn't know I was a leader, btw, only found out as Wendy had been telling people that they always do what I say).
Its s long story but she has been very manipulative, told lies about things I have allegedly said to her, played the poor victim and really tried to turn everyone against me.
We are a group who have known each other for 20 plus years except for 'Wendy' who is fairly recent.
It has been awful (and still is) but luckily the people who have known me years can see through the lies.
Am not a shrinking violet but it has really knocked my confidence and made me question a lot of things. This in turn annoys me as i want took totally ignore her and take the moral high ground. I don't want to stoop to her level.
To be honest could actually punch her when I see her (although I obviously never would). Feel like I am still in the playground! We are all mid to late 40's early 50's not teenagers!

Original poster
DefinitelyNoWay · 17/08/2015 17:58

The woman who is doing this to me recently seems to do it on a rotation of who she turns against me. It was originally two people then I acted like I was not bothered so she dropped them and turned another against me, and the first two started talking to me again, only for her to pick up with them again and for them to blank me again.

Also a friend that I always go to the gym with, whom I have known for years, recently told me that she was going to stop the gym for a while due to a leg injury but now I have found out she is going to the gym with this woman, and also my gym friend isn't really talking to me either.

OP posts:
chaiselounger · 17/08/2015 17:58

I don't know how they do it either. But they are very clever and very manipulative, aren't they?

Smilingforth · 17/08/2015 18:37

Yes. It's amazing that they manage this. I've seen it happen twice; it's a matter of a lot of charm and a devious mind?

KERALA1 · 17/08/2015 18:47

I think this has happened to me. Introduced Wendy into a group of my friends she has gradually smarmed round many of the other women and become "best friends" with several. Throughout I have kept inviting her to stuff as I try to be inclusive and she always comes but realised she never ever invites me or dh to anything and has been inviting the others to cosy suppers. Feel pathetic even brooding about it - I am 40! Luckily several of the women are proper friends and she has not dared "turn" any one against me as it's a very unbitchy group. But she has tried to freeze me out though. Or it's all in my head?!

sebsmummy1 · 17/08/2015 18:58

Perhaps it's the sheep we should be angrier at? If you have a long standing friendship group and someone new to the group is able to cause one member to become ostracised without any of the other women thinking 'woah, hang on a minute, she's my mate', then I really think these people have some self esteem issues also.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 19:00

But I think sometimes it happens without them realising, or that in the UK we don't deal with embarrassment and being too outspoken on these things.

It's very manipulative behaviour when you aren't expecting it. Especially in your 40s. Confused

sebsmummy1 · 17/08/2015 19:11

I just wouldn't let it happen. I would defend my friends until my last breath, but perhaps because of my history I'm particularly aware of just how unpleasant and manipulative some people can be.

patienceisvirtuous · 17/08/2015 19:18

A 'friend' attempted to do this to me... I had suspicions she was jealous of me (subtle put-downs etc). We went on holiday as a group and tried to ostracise me and slagged me off individually to the others. Luckily my friends cottoned on to her straight away and told me what she was up to. We all just continued to enjoy the holiday and not make a fuss, but we all regarded her with caution!

Sorry you're having a rough time OP. 'It's them, not you.'

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 17/08/2015 19:22

Yes it's really weird isn't it? DD has had this happen recently, other girl got in between her and friend and friend ditches DD, I told her other girl must be saying stuff, and if she believes these lies then she wasn't a friend to start with. Other girl will realise DD not bothered and will go after another friend. I think it's jealousy - the other girl wanting a close friendship like DD has, but not able to sustain one. other girl is quite flaky and will not show up at a meeting place for pictures etc and leave others standing there - they soon come back to DD - and so it starts again.

CathCakes · 23/02/2018 18:00

I know this was posted ages ago but wanted to say thanks for posting your experiences - it's really helped me see something that's been happening for a really long time but I couldn't work it out - this woman has managed to creep into both my personal and work life and made it so unhappy, I actually had a panic attack about it last week and I've not had one of those for 20 years! It's great to finally realise that it really is her and not me. I am getting out of this situation right now, life is too short to allow people to do this kind of thing to you - and also you don't need people in your life that would discard you just from someone;s gaslighting either. Love yourselves!!

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/02/2018 21:26

They do it because they are jealous. My so called best friend was doing it to me. I stopped speaking to her that being one of the reasons!

CathCakes · 23/02/2018 22:05

Yes I think you might be right, my partner kept saying that she was jealous of me but I couldn't see it. I just can't imagine the mindset of someone being so jealous that they would actually want the person to lose friends and be really unhappy. I've realised I've been a bit over emotional in that last post..! but it's a big shock when you finally realise what they've been doing. She's so "nice" to me on texts etc too which is why it took so long to realise it was her. Very screwy for the head..

springydaff · 23/02/2018 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaff · 23/02/2018 22:49

I'm working on the forgiveness lol 😁

Thinkingofausername1 · 24/02/2018 10:07

It's easy. It's a particular tone of voice they use and one simple lie.then people believe you are not someone to be accosiated with Sad

biig · 24/02/2018 13:51

These types have no class.
And if your friend(s) fall for the lies they hear from a "Wendy", they are not true friends and you can be glad to be away from them-they should have known better than to judge you based on their interactions with a unknown quantity.

JarJarkinks · 28/11/2018 12:18

I am so glad I have read this - this has happened to me, it is difficult to understand how these people manage to manipulate others so easily. This obviously is more common than I realised!

LemonTT · 28/11/2018 13:24

Oh I think the ability to manipulate sits well on some people’s shoulders. There are quite a few posts on here were the tactics are out in force. Things half said and a few dog whistle comments. They are aimed selected prejudices inherent in some of the posters.

IMO, a Wendy will be threatened by something their target does or represents. Very threatened. Then she promotes that threat in her chosen clique without naming the target. Then she implies the threatening behaviour in the target. She will defend bad behaviours in the clique no matter how unreasonable, especially of aimed at the target.

So an outgoing confident single women will become a flirt. Who was spending a bit too much time chatting and smiling with your husband. And no, you were right to cut up all his shirts after that and tell him never to speak to her again. But you can’t say anything because the target will just deny it.

If you are naturally a leader, you will be accused of telling people what to do, of getting your own way and not listening.

If you are a quiet conciliator, then you don’t stand up for your friends and take other people’s sides. Nb they just hate conciliators. Far too reasonable and rational for a shit stirrer. Plus they can all to easily expose a Wendy. Conciliators will be the first to go when toxifiying a group.

Alyssa205 · 11/01/2019 18:02

Yes I had a friend who had difficulties making/keeping friends because she is so insecure and clingy. Has a result she became very possessive of me and tried to turned me against our other mutual friends so she can keep me to herself but didn’t succeed. I ended dropping her cold turkey and I don’t regret it. It’s a state of extreme jealousy and very low self esteem that cause this kind of behavior IMO.