People that always turn people against others

[DefinitelyNoWay]

How do they do it? How can they manage to get a whole gang of others not speaking to one person? How do they get away with it?

I have had this happen to me several times over the years, the women that turned others against me were always people I would consider to be good friends. My 'best friend' at secondary school even did this to me but I didn't realise until after I left school, I always thought that I was unpopular.

Now I have had it happen again with a mum from my DCs school, and I am actually intrigued about how she has done it. I am not a very exciting person with no scandal in my life and I am fairly quiet, so there's not really anything to actually tell people to turn them against me.

[Alyssa205]

Yes you’re right we should be angry at the sheep but IMO the sheep is almost always someone gullible who can be manipulated and influenced easily. Someone who is intelligent and have a good head on their shoulder would not fall for this kind of manipulation.

[Queenofpies]

This is a very interesting post. Reading other posters replies I just wonder how many times it has happened that we aren’t aware of. When friends seem to withdraw/become unavailable without any reason.

[Dollymixture77]

I know this is an old thread..

But

Gosh this is exactly what I have on my hands right now... Possibly at the worst time imaginable... I'm being pushed out of a group of 'mum friends' by one particular 'Wendy', although it's such a hard thing to prove as on the surface she's as nice as pie.. But my gut instinct and other certain behaviours have led me to believe she is sabotaging other friendships I have made with women that she is also friends with.

How on earth do I tackle it.....

X x

[jeanniedeans]

@Dollymixture77. I don't have any advice but just to say I sympathise as I have been through similar and it is not nice. In my case, I had to let go of the group of friends involved as I knew I was far less socially adept than the 'Wendy' and didn't stand a chance against her social cunning. I hadn't known them long when I introduced them to her so we didn't have the strong roots that would help guard against stuff like this happening, if that makes sense. I think this sort of thing is less likely to happen with friends that go back a long way as they know you and would then be less likely to turn against you. All you can hope is that karma sorts things out in the end. That, or she does the same to enough other people that eventually they figure out what she's really like. Hope you're ok.

[BuffyTheVodkaDrinker]

My older sister has been doing this to me for years. I just ignore her but she never stops and won't ever change so I don't see the point in upsetting myself anymore. She has succeeded in turning some people against me and failed with others who told me what she'd be doing/saying and they think she's just jealous of me.

I came to the conclusion years ago that anyone who believes her and allows themselves to be turned against me was never a true friend or family member and I end all contact with them. I just leave my sister to her miserable life while I get on with mine.

[Dollymixture77]

@jeanniedeans

Yes I do know exactly what you mean.

The Wendy in my situation has been friends with me for around 18 months and our children are at the same school and we live in the same village.

We became quite close, playdates / coffee / over each houses etc..

Then our partners had a minor disagreement re work which they sorted yet I think since then she has had in it for me. It feels like she sees us as beneath her and that how dare my partner disagree with hers. We have remained friends (on the surface) but I can tell its not how it was and she now let's me down at the last minute and does things that are underhand but appears nice on the surface to everybody else. She has also become closer to one of my other friends and we now have drifted somewhat too.

Since then I've befriended a mutal school mum and struck up a good friendship.. Or so I thought. Following a play date with the newer friend, the 'Wendy' has intervened somehow and now she has backed off.

It's one of those situations when you know they are up to something but you could look mad trying to prove it as they are very manipulative and cunning.

It's a really sad situation as we had a really nice friendship and I think she is not a happy girl in some respect to act this way.
Plus we are all grown women that should support each other not attack.

I'm feeling pretty rubbish in respect to this new friendship as I had hoped I could move away from the Wendy and have a genuine circle of friends. It's also frustrating that I know I'm a good person and that I may be being unfairly portrayed.
I feel my only choice is to back away from the both of them..

[Dollymixture77]

@BuffyTheVodkaDrinker

Oh I am sorry to hear this. I also have a sister who is quite resentful and acts appallingly at times. But like you I back away because how can you ever deal with people like that. Particularly if they are grown adults and think its OK to act like that towards others time and time again.

It does feel incredibly unfair though and I hope you have a good circle of friends and/or other family members that appreciate and support you.

[BuffyTheVodkaDrinker]

@Dollymixture77 thank you and those so-called friends don't deserve you!

[IAmMeThisIsI]

How do they do it? They lie and lie, then lie some more. It's usually down to jealousy. The jealousy could be over anything. This just leaves the victim more baffled as they're clueless as to what they have done wrong or why the manipulative one is even jealous. I find it extremely childish and abusive.

[jeanniedeans]

@Dollymixture77 that does sound like a horrible situation. I find it unsettling that there are people out there who act like this. What are their motivations? It's hard to get your head around. In my case, she is a bit of a 'Queen Bee' character. She is very choosy about who gets to be in her friendship group and ruthless about weeding out anyone who isn't of 'use' to her. The first time I invited her to a party at our house I didn't know her very well so I was looking forward to talking to her and getting to know her. However, she didn't talk to me at all but instead worked her way round the room, cherry-picking from the people there who she thought it would be advantageous to stay in touch with. It was quite something to watch.
I hope the nice mum you have met recently will see through the Wendy character. Keep making contact with her as hopefully the Wendy will move off elsewhere eventually. It's hard though as they are so good at what they do. But as you say, deep down they can't be very happy behaving like this.

[Dollymixture77]

@IAmMeThisIsI

I know right!

It totally baffles me. As these women.. In my experience..
Are attractive, confident, friendly, charming, sociable etc.. So I just can't understand why on earth they feel the need to undermine others. My 'friend' in question, has everything going for her.. A lovely big house.. A wealthy partner.. Has what she wants.. And we had a great friendship.. Really loved hanging out with her..
I just can't get my head around it... And it's so upsetting.. Particularly as I have just been through something really heartbreaking - and right now I could really do with my friends x

[Dollymixture77]

@jeanniedeans

Are you sure we aren't dealing with the same 'wendy'!?!

They sound very similar!

My friend in question is very elitist and tends to chose women that will be of benefit. I'm not sure why I was chosen ad I'm not wealthy and don't own a business or a big house.. But I am very friendly.. The first girl on the dance floor.. And will be there for you in an instant..

As for the newer mum I have befriended.. Who seemed to be so sweet and lovely and we just hit it off.. I just have heard nothing from her.. And I have since been in hospital (lost a baby) which she knows about.. Yet she's completely backed off..
It's so shitty.. Yet I'm desperate to know why.. We got in so well and she was so supportive when we first met. My family suggest that she can't be a great person if she can't chose her own friends.. I am just really hurt.. But don't want to be weak and beg for her friendship. We haven't fallen out but shes just backed off.. After mentioning the 'Wendy'.

😏

[JovialNickname]

In my opinion these things don't matter unless you're overly invested in friendships with horrible people. So they don't like you; that's a shame. And their loss! Why are you seeking to be reintroduced to this group? A prerequisite of friendship is that they like you, and like your company. Don't waste precious time with people that don't. It says more about you than them ( ie that you seek out people to put you down, because you have a victim mentality.)

[Dollymixture77]

@JovialNickname

That's an interesting take on it. However, it's not so much I'm seeking to be reintroduced to this group, as I wasn't even aware that it was a 'group' until the last few weeks. (if it even is) And these women had acted as if they did like me - and enjoyed my company - hence why I became friends with them. I'm sure it's only natural, well for me anyhow, to wonder why one changes their tune so suddenly and so oddly and feel a little hurt by it. Particularly when going through a difficult period in one's life.
As for seeking out people that put me down ; I'm not sure Ive ever done that. Besides these type of women are not always transparent, they play games and it can often take a while to realise what they're doing. Now that I have worked out the situation I have backed out from both.

[jeanniedeans]

@Dollymixture77 I get where you are coming from about wondering what on earth this person has said about you that has put others off and it's upsetting to not know as you are unable to defend yourself! I agree that their actions aren't transparent so it takes a while before you see what they're really like - more of a creeping realisation. It took me a while with my 'friend' before I figured what she was up to (over two years). My gut instinct about her had always been a little off, but for ages I convinced myself that I shouldn't listen to my gut as it seemed so unlikely and like your friend she's charming, sociable, witty etc so I always convinced myself that my unease about her must be misplaced. I'm very sorry about your baby. That must have been a really upsetting time, and a time when you really need the support of friends who you can trust and who have your back.
You sound lovely Dolly and I really hope you will be able to find some new friends who treat you with kindness and loyalty and you'll be able to leave the malign influence of your so-called 'friend' far behind you.

[overlooker]

I’ve had this happen to me several times. I now don’t introduce women to each other. I do one on one friendships or tag on to other people. Most people are social climbers and cannot be trusted.

[jeanniedeans]

It's really sad but I'm with you on that @Overlooker. I am very wary of introducing people now and prefer one on one friendships too. Unless they are long established and tight knit, social groups can have a difficult dynamic, especially with social media added to the mix. Its a shame really. I don't know where social climbers are hoping to climbing to!