Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking (re porn)??

45 replies

Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 08:31

Hi everyone.. Been with my OH 3 years, sex was more frequent to start with, started to dwindle a bit about a year into the relationship. Usually now it's around twice a week, sometimes once. I think the main issue is I want more than he does.. And I'm also quite experimental and he doesn't seem to be on the same page as me.. We've discussed some of the things I want to try but we just never seem to "get around" to it.. :-/
Anyway, I know he watched porn before he met me (admittedly he lied to me about this and told me he didn't, until I moved in with him, when he admitted he did - and yes I know most/all men watch porn so I should've assumed this but that's another story in itself) when we discussed it more he said he only watched amateur stuff, and only when single. The thing is when I accidentally saw his history once the site he uses/used isn't what I'd call amateur at all.. It is literally all stunning women with fake tan/shoes naval piercings and plastered in make up..
I believe he isn't watching it now but at the same time we don't have sex a lot (and I work weekends so am out the house)
I'm not trying to police anyone's thought/fantasies. But these women really are a world away from what I look like. (And I'm a size 8 but I'm not pretty and I'm 30!!) someone erasure me I'm just having a wobble, please? Thanks xxx

OP posts:
Pinkpiranha · 15/08/2015 09:08

It sounds to me like he's watching porn instead of having sex with you and I'd personally feel compared to these women.

What are you having a wobble about?

chdmum20 · 15/08/2015 09:11

i wrote pretty much this exact post last year ! i spoke to him told it how shit it made me feel that he prefers to watch "skinny bitches" on his fone Sad he had no idea i felt how i did, i am a bottle it upper Smile he understood though so all is good
its not just you Grin

Bingflop · 15/08/2015 09:41

It sucks but I guess the thing is, if its purely fantasy wank material, it sort of makes sense to chose to watch the stunning women over the average ones. Because if you're chosing to wank over strangers they may as well be massively attractive ones.
Bit like how I'd fantasise over a young johnny depp rather than say, an average looking 30 year old man (not that average 30 year old men arent attractive, its just that theyre real life not fantasy stuff)

Men arent animals though of course and there is a lot more to attraction than looks alone, so its not like it makea him.any less attractive to you but when all you have is a women on a screen looks are the only thing to chose from really.

He is still having sex with you just not that often, but maybe he's tired/ stressed/etc, sometimes just wants a quick release without all the effort. Who knows.
Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel, if he decides to just ignore your feeling then he's being a twat but he might understand.

Joysmum · 15/08/2015 09:54

Doesn't sound to me at all like he's watching porn rather than having sex with you but it's a discussion you need to have as it certainly can be the case for some.

Likewise, you've made your feeling known about things you'd like to try and he's been polite in listening but doesn't want to do it, which is fair enough.

Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 10:11

Guess I made the mistake of visiting troll world. Thanks all, I'm out.

OP posts:
Emiliasmumtobe · 15/08/2015 10:13

Troll world? Eh?

DadWasHere · 15/08/2015 10:36

I think it all hinges on how often he is masturbating. A man too tired to have sex will not masturbate. If its more than twice as much as the times you are making love, yet you want more lovemaking, then that’s a problem because he is substituting, for some reason, your sexual satisfaction with his own solo endeavours. As to you thinking the women are more attractive/younger than you, that’s likely irrelevant, even if true. A lot of the time women run themselves down unfairly comparing themselves to others and a lot of the time men have a wide latitude about what they can find desirable anyway. Porn is often not a problem, in itself, but if he is watching porn that is greatly different to what you do together then he may desensitise himself to the experiences you share.

Bingflop · 15/08/2015 10:39

I think we were meant to say her dh was a horrible terrible person but we didn't sp we're obviously trolls. Or something.

maureendaly · 15/08/2015 11:07

OP was asking a while back about getting involved in porn herself, I'm sure its the same MN nn but I really CBA looking back through previous threads.
Seems a bit of an issue is going on here. Confused

Haven't seen a good flounce here for a couple of weeks and it's been a while since we've all been called trolls! I'll just go and shave my hands and do a bit of solitary trip trapping...

Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 13:50

bingflop if most men's porn of choice involves stunners, why do sites like Zoing exist, and why are they so popular?
Also, if I was to start watching porn, maybe leaving evidence lying around in browser history, would this be considered "normal" (as a woman) is it as acceptable for me to view as it his for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 13:53

And dadwashere I don't know for certain that he is masturbating (not that I would mind obviously) I'm just assuming, since we only have sex a couple of times per week in short bursts. I want sex more than this, and I suppose I'm just assuming..

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/08/2015 14:02

Porn is destructive to relationships as it offers an unrealistic view of sex. It's also 99 % misogynistic bullshit that humiliates women. I wouldn't give a monkeys what the women looked at but I would take issue with anyone watching porn.

CanadianJohn · 15/08/2015 14:15

On the rare occasions I watch porn, I prefer "average" women.

Maybe I'm weird.

Twinklestein · 15/08/2015 14:18

I've no idea why women compare themselves to porn 'stars' or think men are comparing them. They're not, they're just having a wank.

And an awful lot of porn stars are minging.

Rockluvvindad · 15/08/2015 14:32

A common mistake women make when trying to understand men's thoughts on masturbation / porn and sex is thinking that the average man thinks that they're the same thing... It isn't. Sex with a partner is sex with a partner, whilst looking at masturbating, which may or may not involve porn, is just that... There is no emotional content, no disrespect intended to their partner.

Sex a couple of times a week might be considered a lot by some women and some men. For others it's nowhere near enough. It might be that he is just using it as a lift if he's stress. It does feel good after all, and if he does it himself it means he only has his own satisfaction to worry about. A man with a high sex drive could have sex daily and still masturbate. Just because... Sounds like the problem is more a mis-matched drive than his masturbation and porn use. Unless of course he's doing it an awful lot. If he's a similar age to you, he could still be doing both happily.

Making love / having sex / whatever you call it is inherently a non-selfish activity for most of us that indulge in it. We give to receive. Sorting yourself out is a selfish release and something that he might just be doing to lift his mood. And when lifting your mood, it's nice to indulge fantasies so perhaps that explains his choice of content.

I'm not commenting on the morality of porn, only and man's attitude to it. It's there, and he's using it.

Talking is probably useful at this point...

RLD

Rockluvvindad · 15/08/2015 14:33

Argh... Need an edit button on this forum... That should read "whilst masturbating, which may or may not...."

Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 15:19

I think this is where me and him differ though, rockluvvin for me, if I have a fantasy, I want to act on it - I mean, that's why it's a fantasy, isn't it? It is something you want to do, surely? Otherwise why think about it? (Or indeed orgasm over it) so if he is/was getting orgasms over watching women who I'd consider "beautiful" then why on earth is he with me (someone fairly average) and of course why lie about it and tell me he only ever watched amateur stuff (I.e involving average normal looking women) I mean this is just my opinion, and what confuses me most about porn, this idea of separating it from reality, i mean -(tmi here) I fantasise about sleeping with a woman, but I actually have done and want to do again in the future, he knows about this, and I made sure he was ok with it. If he wasn't I wouldn't talk about it again, and I certainly wouldn't watch any porn involving this behind his back.

OP posts:
maureendaly · 15/08/2015 15:19

oh OP, you're back. Thought you'd flounced. Should we all report you for multiple troll hunting or are you going to stop calling people trolls now?

Interesting post by rockluvvindad there, does he assume that women think that masturbation and sex are the same thing? Does he assume that women who have an active masturbatory life just relive the sex they've had with their current partner? Women fantasise as well! Or is it that some men are so insecure they don't want to think about their partner masturbating and thinking of some other man doing it tons better? Wink
Women masturbate to relieve stress as well, or to help them sleep.
But there we are. A man has spoken. Partner sex and masturbation are two different things. Who would have known!

maureendaly · 15/08/2015 15:22

xpost with OP.

So OP, do you think about ugly men when you masturbate? Or ones that are very good looking?

Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 15:23

So I suppose, if he'd been honest with me from the beginning, I.e -" I fantasise about typical blonde stunners with high heels covered in bad make up, and I want to shag one" then I could've decided whether or not to continue with the relationship there and then. But he lied, and I think is only with me because the other option is being alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 15:24

I don't think about any other man other than my oh, when masturbating or otherwise.

Call me an idiot, but that's just me.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 15/08/2015 15:38

I don't think your main insecurities stem from whether he watches porn or not and what the women look like in that porn. You say that you have a higher sex drive. Is it because you're not getting the affection, compliments and attention on a daily basis that you need to reassure you that he is genuinely attracted to you? If you felt more confident and secure you wouldn't be expecting more sex as proof that he's not just with you because he doesn't want to be alone. Does he tell you and show you that he loves you in other ways? Xx

Original poster
Toohotcats · 15/08/2015 15:52

I do feel "looked after" he cares about me very much and I'm certain he loves me. He just doesn't tell me much, I think the last time he did was about a year ago. But for some people, they don't need to hear it. I think I do though.
It's hard to have a conversation with him because he's the sort of person that gets defensive.
I worry about bringing up the porn topic, because people have such varied views.

OP posts:
DCITennison · 15/08/2015 16:21

A couple of times a week is really not infrequent. Doesn't change that you'd like more, but in terms of how much of a mismatch there is it could be worse.

Just talk to him. The porn you saw in his history was a while back - it may be he genuinely isn't fussed about it. You're letting this fester and that's not going to lead to anything good.

DCITennison · 15/08/2015 16:24

Maureendaly - I really didn't read RLD's post in the way you've interpreted it, think you've been quite unfair there.
Also, "Or is it that some men are so insecure they don't want to think about their partner masturbating and thinking of some other man doing it tons better? wink " is a pointedly obnoxious and antagonistic thing to say.