Am I overthinking (re porn)??

[Toohotcats]

Hi everyone.. Been with my OH 3 years, sex was more frequent to start with, started to dwindle a bit about a year into the relationship. Usually now it's around twice a week, sometimes once. I think the main issue is I want more than he does.. And I'm also quite experimental and he doesn't seem to be on the same page as me.. We've discussed some of the things I want to try but we just never seem to "get around" to it.. :-/
Anyway, I know he watched porn before he met me (admittedly he lied to me about this and told me he didn't, until I moved in with him, when he admitted he did - and yes I know most/all men watch porn so I should've assumed this but that's another story in itself) when we discussed it more he said he only watched amateur stuff, and only when single. The thing is when I accidentally saw his history once the site he uses/used isn't what I'd call amateur at all.. It is literally all stunning women with fake tan/shoes naval piercings and plastered in make up..
I believe he isn't watching it now but at the same time we don't have sex a lot (and I work weekends so am out the house)
I'm not trying to police anyone's thought/fantasies. But these women really are a world away from what I look like. (And I'm a size 8 but I'm not pretty and I'm 30!!) someone erasure me I'm just having a wobble, please? Thanks xxx

I read the post the same way as Maureen. It was up there with Men Are More Visual and Men Neeeeed Sex more, both bollocks.

So you're not sure if he is masturbating or watching porn but you still feel insecure because you aren't getting enough sex and there has to be a reason for it, so it must be porn related? Sorry, I am slightly confused!

I don't want to act out all my fantasies. The wonderful thing about fantasies is they can take you anywhere and you can do anything, including stuff that you would never consider in real life. It doesn't mean I want to do it. Some of my fantasies I would run a mile from if the opportunity ever came up to do them!! I have no interest in shagging anyone I have seen in any erotic or pornographic image. If he does watch porn, there's no reason to believe that he wants to shag any of the women he has seen.

Sometimes for a whole variety of reasons, a couple's sex life can feel a bit dull and samey. Feeling tired and stressed is very unsexy, it can make it difficult to put the effort in. Doesn't mean you don't love of fancy the other person, it's just one of the ups and downs of a long-term relationship.
Talk to him. It doesn't really sound like porn is the issue here, maybe you just need to put a bit of time and energy into giving your sex life a bit of a boost.

Toohot, sorry for the slow response... Been to the movies with the youngest. Fantasies for many people are just that. Something to stay in the mind. For some of us, they are something to try and act on. But the images he might use when he's alone don't really mean that that's the sort of woman he really wants... He chose you, and you say he cares for you etc... That to me sounds like he loves you, even though he might not be vocal about it. Your physical appearance is part of why he is with you, along with the person you are.

If the issue is that you want him to tell you he loves you more, then talk to him about that. You can do that without making him feel defensive so long as you focus on not being accusatory.

If the problem is the porn, then talk to him. Honestly, your fantasy features pretty highly on the list for many guys. Maybe make it something you can share as a fantasy and so replace the types of images he's been using when alone with thoughts about you and another woman or something you find erotic... Trying not to get too explicit here, but hopefully you get the picture.

For me it still comes down to talking. I know that can be the hardest thing to do sometimes, but it really is where the answers lay.

RLD

Maureen, Lumpy,

Let me respond in kind...

Do we assume that you're both think that anything a man says has no value ? Do we assume that even when there is no such thing mentioned in their post we can "assume" it anyway, because, well, "he's a man" ? Do we assume that he can't possibly give a man's opinion because he is only one man, and even though we are only one woman our opinion is more valid ?

Or do we read posts carefully, see what is being written, and comment on what was written, rather than what was assumed by someone who might have a pre-existing agenda ?

Or you can go on being blinkered, bigoted and more entitled to give your opinion...

RLD.

And dadwashere I don't know for certain that heismasturbating (not that I would mind obviously) I'm just assuming

Yea, I know you are unsure about it and just because he is looking at porn does not mean he is masturbating to it, so checking a browser history is not a guide. If its possible to have an honest discussion with him about masturbation without him feeling he needs to lie that would be ideal. Its pretty personal, you would know how best to communicate with him about it. Should be no need to bring up porn at all to find out the answer. But if he gets an idea that telling you the truth will make you angry; say that he masturbates every day which might cause you to freak out that he is not diverting some of that sexual energy to you, then he might lie about it. While sex with a partner and masturbation are not the same if he is having sex with you once a week but masturbating more than twice his libido is being re-directed I think.

Why would he lie and say he watches only amateur porn? Many possible answers and many you should not worry about. You said one yourself, 'these women really are a world away from what I look like...' A man would have to have lived his life as a celibate monk in a cave from infant-hood not to have some awareness of the extent women will negatively compare themselves against other women, severely and warped from reality.

On threads like these I always end up thinking why don't you talk to your partner about it?

Hmm, did not copy paste the final sentence:

He may have lied about amateur porn so as not to hurt your feelings, knowing you would compare yourself to what he watches.

Rockluvvindad We read the post carefully, we saw what was written and we commented.

"bingflop if most men's porn of choice involves stunners, why do sites like Zoing exist, and why are they so popular?
Also, if I was to start watching porn, maybe leaving evidence lying around in browser history, would this be considered "normal" (as a woman) is it as acceptable for me to view as it his for him?"

Because all people are different and fantasise about different things, sometimes a person might want to wank over a blonde stunner one day, then the next an average woman, then a short brunette etc... It's not real life.

Also this:
"So I suppose, if he'd been honest with me from the beginning, I.e -" I fantasise about typical blonde stunners with high heels covered in bad make up, and I want to shag one" then I could've decided whether or not to continue with the relationship there and then. But he lied, and I think is only with me because the other option is being alone."

Eh? What!? Really you think its your business who he wanks over? He's not allowed to make his own decisions, I.e, he wants to be with you because he loves and fancies you, because he also sometimes watches porn it means he's lying or just thinks he can't do better?

Please stop letting porn effect your self esteem and his you think your partner feels about you or it will drive you Max. You can't police someone's thoughts.

Porn to me suggests that a partners fantasies are not being addressed - please talk.

Porn isn't about fantasies or satisfaction, porn is in the business of humiliating women. If you google porn and go to the first page on the first site it is full of the nastiest kind of misogyny. I judge people who want to watch women being degraded and humiliated to get their rocks off, it says an awful lot about their character.

I'm not anti sex but porn as it exists is vile and damaging.

Porn to me suggests that a partners fantasies are not being addressed
The OP doesn't even think he is watching porn, but even if he is, I completely disagree with this.
Fantasies do not actually need addressing. If I have a fantasy about having sex with another woman, I have no need to do anything about that. It can remain as a fantasy in my head for the rest of time and do no harm to anyone. It has no effect on my relationship, my husband has no need to know. He definitely doesn't have any need to feel inadequate or think that I fancy him any less and would prefer or even desire to actually have sex with the woman in my fantasies.

There are lots of opinions here, but that's all they are, opinions of what others think might be the problem if it was with their own relationships, with all their own hang-ups or fears. The one thing that occurs to me is that toohot currently has an issue about how much sex she wants compared to how much her husband wants and she doesn't know why there's a difference. She says her fantasy is having sex with another woman, that she's done it before and her husband is ok with it. What if he's not, but was afraid to say so? I could go on, but it would only be MY speculation on a variety of reasons for her problems.

As others have said, she needs to talk to him about it, and about the porn, but if he's like a lot of men, even though he may rationally think porn is ok for him to watch, he may just feel guilty about admitting it. My wife and I used to watch porn and read porn mags together (this was the days before the Internet, so we had to hire video tapes of the stuff, and it was very tame by today's standards.) It gave us new ideas for things to try out. She had a couple of fantasies she wanted to try, one of which was to make love on a mountain top somewhere, and we did that in the Lake District once.

Over time, our sex life dwindled, and I tried to discus this with her, but it's not easy to open up about what your problems are, even if you actually understand them. She just lost interest and didn't want me pestering her, but she either doesn't know WHY she lost interest, or won't admit it to me. Maybe she didn't want to hurt MY feelings. I still watch porn and I masturbate, which is my way of coping with no sex in an otherwise good relationship. I don't know if my wife knows about this as we never talk about sex now, and I don't want to upset her. I know she read '50 Shades..' She made no secret of it, but she still has no interest in sexual activity. The book was just entertainment.

So toohot's husband may feel threatened by her fantasy, he may have others himself that he's afraid to tell her about, or it may just be one of those lulls that happens in relationships, or it could be something entirely different. She says that she'd understand if he masturbates. It's easy to say that, but he may feel guilty about it and not want to admit it, for a variety of reasons.

Unless they can talk honestly about it, no one's ever going to know what's really going on.

Thanks everyone, I'm actually quite surprised at the amount of male responses! My main issue is the jealousy (shoot me!) as yes, I do have quite low self esteem at times - but then again who doesn't? I'm perfectly entitled to feel jealous, it's a perfectly natural feeling. But I felt if rather not take this jealousy out on him, and risk ruining our relationship, and try and get advice from others who may have had similar experiences.
It's interesting to hear that most of you don't compare your partners, I think this is my big worry. It was the fact that he lied re the amaeur type stuff, when in fact the particular site he uses is actually full of conventionally beautiful women - and the videos are high quality.
Still have trouble getting my head around the idea that he considers me to be attractive, and that he isn't thinking he wAnts to sleep with the women in the videos, but I do feel slightly better. I mean, he chose to be with me, I didn't force him!

I'm sure some men have issues around their partners lusting after random hot actors ......or FIREMEN! (What is it about firemen that makes so many ladies go weak at the knees?) But I doubt that many of them are comparing their men with these objects of lust, although for all we know you may be fantasising about them when screwing us. ;0)

Whether we like it or not, men and women are different psychologically and while many women seem to have issues about self esteem, men are allegedly more worried about penis size. But just as a 'perfect female figure' (if such a thing exists) doesn't guarantee a great sexual performance, neither does a big dick. In fact I've seen many posts in different forums from women saying that a huge cock can be painful to accommodate and not as important as good technique or just being sexually in tune with their partners.

Wow talk about gender stereotyping banquo54 cheers for the advice.......

Oh and I'd love to read the evidence re "women and men being different psychologically" and this being based purely on self esteem and penis size!? Wtf, seriously..

Jealousy is not a natural feeling or a healthy one but one born out of the need to control.

I agree - you need to talk openly about what your respective needs are

Toohotcats

Where am I gender stereotyping? I asked why 'so many' women go weak at the knees about firemen, not all of them.

And I didn't say that the psychological differences were based purely on self esteem and penis size. They're not, but for some men and women these are issues.

For evidence of psychological differences between the sexes, please see this article in Psychology Today.

I'm sorry if you think my contribution wasn't helpful. That was not my intent.