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Relationships

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Original poster

Realistic expectations sex life after baby

50 replies

MrAndMrs0 · 14/08/2015 22:49

I just wondered about what people think are realistic both sex wise and timing wise after our baby was born?

I mean do people actually have sex a few weeks after?

Do you do "other" things?

Oh and when? I'm shattered most of the time.

Its my first. Little one is 10 weeks old and my other half is really struggling. I feel for him but I don't feel sexual at all :(

Help!

OP posts:

schlong · 14/08/2015 22:57

3 - 6 months. He can just wait. Won't kill him.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 14/08/2015 22:59

8 months. Tell your OH to go have a wank

MarchLikeAnAnt · 14/08/2015 23:01

BTW, why isn't your OH as tired as you? I hope he does his fair share.

horsewalksintoabar · 14/08/2015 23:02

Oh you poor thing...the pressure to satisfy his needs is a little soul destroying to say the least. I have to say, I'm in my 40s now and number three just killed our sex life. I just got to a point where I didn't care if he drowned in porn or wanked til he was muscle bound, I was (AM) so effing tired. We did other things for ages...God we still do. My libido has just tanked but I think that's my age and having 3 kids in a household where my DH is totally over worked. We joke and say "I dreamt we had sex!". It's good enough! It's slowly coming back. At a certain point I did sit DH down and told him I adored him to bits but am just useless right now. That gave him 'permission' to sort himself out...the showers were longer for a while. At any other time this would upset me, but honestly after having a baby, you do hit a wall and you have to heal.
Get sleep! This will help. Try and make time to sleep and then you can get close again...play around. Don't put pressure on yourself. If he's a good s soul, he will understand. Look after yourself as best you can. You're in the trenches, but not for long.

AnImpalaCalledBABY · 14/08/2015 23:03

There is no right time apart from when you feel ready

With some of my dc were having sex within 2-3 weeks but others took me 3-4 months to feel ready

If he is a decent partner and father he will be happy to wait until the time is right for both of you and you can still have closeness in other ways

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 14/08/2015 23:03

First time round I thought we 'ought' to get back to it.

Second and third I waiting until the mood struck. More like 6 months.

Your other half needs to sort himself out, literally and figuratively. Surely he's been single for longer than 10 weeks as an adult. Or apart from his partner.

And no, if you aren't feeling sexy don't force yourself to do 'other things' to keep him happy. Do other things if you fancy doing them.

Baffled2012 · 14/08/2015 23:05

After my first - ds returned to normal 3/4 times a week pretty much straight away.
After my second - dd (now 9 months) I never feel like it and really have to push myself to. I used to have a really high sex drive and it seems to evaporated. I'm hoping it's not lost forever!
I had elective c's for both so not sure if that helped me get back in the saddle quicker with the first one.
How were you during your pregnancy?
I was v up for it when pregnant with my ds but not at all with my dd. I'm not sure if it's something to do with the babies hormones having an effect with yours ie; son creating more testosterone so making you more up for it.
My husband is often happy enough with a hj. Could you muster that?

twirlypoo · 14/08/2015 23:09

I was single when I had ds, and I remember a point at about 4 months thinking - god, I am SO glad I don't have to worry about having sex with someone right now. And I have a high sex drive usually, i promise. For me, it was when I stopped breast feeding and he started sleeping a bit more. It was about 8 months ish I think. Please dont worry or beat your self up, it is just survival these early days!

ecuse · 14/08/2015 23:12

Did it from time to time early on but just to show willing. Enjoyed it once I got going but was definitely making an effort rather than gagging for it. Both times it took me till I had stopped breast feeding to genuinely get my mojo back. I think it's nature's way of spacing babies out!

Norest · 14/08/2015 23:13

Well in terms of 'mechanics' I think if memory serves me correctly me and sons da had a go at about 4 weeks after. No way was I ready physically. Stung like hell and we stopped for a while.

Practically speaking it all depends on how you have healed, but emotionally and in terms of time and tiredness, really for me sex did not become a priority or even much of a consideration again until at least 4-5 months.

I understand it can be hard for fellas, but at the same time being responsible for another human being and getting used to that in the early days is in my view way more of a priority.

Sorry to say it but I feel little to no sympathy for someone who is struggling at only 10 weeks with little / no sex. Is he not as engaged with the new baby? Why is he to the point of gagging for it, rather than exhausted but absorbed with your tiny human?

Stuff like this makes me cross at some fathers..it seems like they do not fully engage - emotionally or practically.

ecuse · 14/08/2015 23:14

Also - ten weeks is NOTHING! Give yourself a break.

CoperCabana · 14/08/2015 23:20

Horse talks a lot of sense!
We are 3.5 years down the line from our youngest and I am feeling back to normal. It takes time and no amount of pressure helps ime.

karinmaria · 14/08/2015 23:21

Took about 4 months. DH mentioned it after 3 months but more in the way of 'do you think you've healed' than 'I need it'. He was as knackered as I was, and was more concerned about my wellbeing than sex, which helped in terms of me wanting to actually have sex. It took a good few months more before we did it more than once per month though as DS didn't sleep then...

Morganly · 14/08/2015 23:30

Did it after 6 weeks because all the magazines/books etc said wait till after the 6 week check so thought this was what you were meant to do. It was painful (episiotomy). It was only much later that I realised I had felt pressured into it and my resentment over that actually killed my libido for much longer than normal tiredness and preoccupation with the baby would have done. Probably two years before I felt any inclination at all.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 14/08/2015 23:38

4 months before penetrative sex. It was mutually wanted but it made me very self conscious for quite a long time about things feeling "different" in the fanjo department after a vaginal birth. Took much longer for me to feel better about things but they did improve with time.

We may have done other stuff before 4 months but I honestly can't remember! Don't do anything until you are feeling ready. Agree with pp's, 10 weeks is not long at all.

Original poster

MrAndMrs0 · 14/08/2015 23:47

First of all thank you for all the advice.

Couple of things. Is it really that hard to see someone else's pov? I love my partner and what bothers him bothers me. Which is why I struggle when he does. So to some of the responses that say tough shit this isn't a pov I can relate to or have sympathy for. Thank you everyone who has put together large explanations it's genuinely appreciated.

I care about my relationship. I want my partner to be a part of the family. I don't want to start laying down the law to my partner he is just as important as me and my little boy. He goes to work all day and he provides for the family. He supports me and my little boy constantly.

I struggle to get the pov that says tough shit let him have a wank and I genuinely think if you're relationship is still going strong I think you're lucky.

I do care about him and his needs and although I really don't feel like having sex I want to please the father of my little boy why wouldn't I?

I'm not sure what to do now whether to do whatever or whether to not :(

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 15/08/2015 00:16

Well sometimes you do have to lay down the law and put yourself first. If your OH is a good person he will understand.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/08/2015 00:28

Would he want to have sex knowing that you weren't interested and were putting up with it just to "please" him? I wouldn't want to have sex with my DP if I thought he wasn't enjoying himself, and definitely not if it was making him uncomfortable or in pain.

I would concentrate on maintaining intimacy rather than worrying about having sex iyswim. So try and spend a little bit of quality time together with no pressure on either party. Maybe go out without the baby (if you have a willing babysitter) and just spend time together.

slithytove · 15/08/2015 00:34

Dd1 - 6 weeks and very regular as were ttc
DS - think it was about 8 weeks, not regular, maybe once a fortnight until we ttc again
Dd2 - no idea! 3 months? She is 10 months now and we have only just got back into regular sex a couple of times a week.

It has to be what feels right

slithytove · 15/08/2015 00:36

And as for what bothers him bothers you... The thing is, with a ten week old, this just shouldn't be bothering him yet.

shiteforbrains · 15/08/2015 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubygoose · 15/08/2015 02:06

I'm 5 weeks post partum (Traumatic emergency CS). A week after I gave DH a BJ, and then a fortnight later another one. He had a HJ at 4 weeks and hoping to DTD once have been signed off at 6 weeks. This is all because I have wanted to please him, not because he had pressured me. We would have done more but an EBF a very hungry girl so not much time! If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it!

DarkNavyBlue · 15/08/2015 03:03

6 months.

Didn't actually enjoy it again until about 18 months after.

Yes, we did 'other things' so my DH didn't just have to have a quick wank.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/08/2015 03:54

It's easy to become subsumed by mumsiness while bonding with the new arrival and not so easy to switch to vamp in order to continue a healthy sex life with one's beloved who's shared in the miracle of creating the unique little person (or persons as the case may be).

If the post-natal 6 week check hasn't revealed any cause for continuing to abstain from sexual intercourse, I take the view that it's better to test the equipment sooner rather than later as it can be a case of use it or lose it for what may be months to come before the libido naturally recovers its equilibrium.

As for when, anytime the infant is asleep and you're both awake but be aware it can be pretty hairy trying to get it off before the tyrant roars - not dissimilar to those clandestine teenage fumblings that were fraught with fear of the parents coming home early and there's something deliciously naughty about a quickie over the kitchen table

Enjoy each other in every sense of the word and marvel over your new arrival together - isn't it amazing that you made him out of love? Well done you two

avocadotoast · 15/08/2015 04:03

I have a (just) 12 week old (our first). DH and I had sex for the first time this week, and we'd done "other stuff" once before.

I would have been willing sooner, but we just never seemed to find time because we're both so tired! Plus (tmi) I had an episiotomy, and a subsequent infection, so I was wanting to put things off a bit until I felt properly healed. (It did hurt a bit this week, but it was nowhere near as bad as I expected.)

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