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Relationships

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Original poster

Realistic expectations sex life after baby

50 replies

MrAndMrs0 · 14/08/2015 22:49

I just wondered about what people think are realistic both sex wise and timing wise after our baby was born?

I mean do people actually have sex a few weeks after?

Do you do "other" things?

Oh and when? I'm shattered most of the time.

Its my first. Little one is 10 weeks old and my other half is really struggling. I feel for him but I don't feel sexual at all :(

Help!

OP posts:

Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 06:56

Take your time and only do when you are both ready. Your world and your body had been turned upside down.

monkeyfacegrace · 15/08/2015 07:08

It's an impossible question op. Everyone is different.

I've had 3 kids. Weve always been back to sex within a week, and usually have sex every day.

I have a MUCH higher sex drive than him, would happily have much more sex.

but when I was pregnant last time, we went months without. It was wierd.

bluebeanie · 15/08/2015 07:10

We tried at 6 and 12 weeks. It wasn't comfortable. Put it off (did other er, activities) and tried again at 6 months. Much much better with no discomfort.

It takes time. Don't rush it. There's other stuff you/ he can do in the meantime. Which is exactly what we are now resorting to again as I completely go off sex during pregnancy. Oh well.

cosmicglittergirl · 15/08/2015 07:15

I'm 5 months pp with DC2 and am not really feeling the urge, sex has been attempted, but was painful so we're now in the BJ and HJ zone. Truthfully, I can't be massively bothered a lot of the time, but I do think it's important to try and remain close physically and it's fine once I get going. It's just easier to put it off when I'm tired. I know he'd prefer PIV, but he's more than happy to wait until I'm ready. (I'd like to feel a more up for it myself).

So basically, I recommending 'other stuff'. If you want to.

eurochick · 15/08/2015 07:17

I had no libido until I stopped breastfeeding (8 months). And then one or other of us has been ill so it has been over a year. I wish it hadn't been so long as I feel very much out of the saddle now!

avocadotoast · 15/08/2015 08:06

The thing is as well, you can still be intimate and close without sexual activity. For all we haven't had much sexual contact we've had a lot of cuddles, kisses, hand holding, back rubs etc. Helps to keep that close feeling.

Kvetch15 · 15/08/2015 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 15/08/2015 10:00

Agree with kvetch. And pp who said nothing wrong with considering your partner unless the partner is being unreasonable.

If you have sex before you are ready because he 'has needs' you may kill your libido and permanently kill your respect/love for him.

It will take as long as it takes for you to get your libido back after a baby. Last time, after the twins, it took me 14 months.

His 'problem' is his problem isn't it? If he's putting so much pressure on you by being so obsessed with sex when you have a little baby and aren't ready then he isn't a nice guy.

Offred · 15/08/2015 10:02

And the dynamic of wanting to please him is all wrong. In a relationship you should each want to love and be loved as much as the other. There's no 'wanting to please'...

tilliebob · 15/08/2015 10:08

It was over 6 mths with ds1 as it was all about traumatic and I was stitched to hell. DH didn't ever ask or pressure me - initially he was knackered and then he didn't want to hurt me in any way. We did do other stuff but sometimes I'd just be so fed up of being touched and needed that I couldn't bear him near me. However 16 years and two more dcs on we got through it. There's more to our relationship that sex. After dc2 and dc3 it was more like 3mths -when we both both be bothered/had the energy/didn't have a child in the bed with us

BreeVDKamp · 15/08/2015 10:09

DS is 11 weeks and I have no ljbido either. We've tried a couple of times but it feels like I'm being ripped apart again (sorry tmi). I have been referred to gynae and physio post-labour. So DH is having to wait, in sure he's having many a wank. We've done other stuff I think a maximum of twice these past 3 months. He understands the need to heal, the sleep deprivation and lack of libido.

Amummyatlast · 15/08/2015 10:12

6 weeks for me, but I was definitely up for it after a whole 9 months with no sex. But it's about when you are ready - you're the one who just pushed out a whole little person.

MTWTFSS · 15/08/2015 10:23

After DS1 it took me 5 months... I tried after 3 months but I couldn't stop crying.

After DS2 it took around 4 months.

prorsum · 15/08/2015 11:00

I love my partner and what bothers him bothers me I understand that, I think it's very sweet.

There was a segment on this topic on a podcast called Mom and Dad are fighting, don't be put off by the name, its a good listen, which you may find helpful. Here's a link to webpage.
www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/mom_and_dad_are_fighting.html

No kids myself so no advice from me.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 15/08/2015 11:20

I find your second post really odd and worrying OP. Where are you and your desires in all this wanting to please?

Of course it is nice to care when your partner has a problem. But there are times in your life when it Isn't About You. And when your partner has just had a baby is one of those times. So if this is becoming about him finding it hard to not have sex then the focus of who should be focusing on whose needs is all wrong.

schlong · 15/08/2015 12:17

Rubygoose giving your dp a bj a week after a traumatic emergency c section is being subjected to sexual abuse. I feel quite upset for you.

schlong · 15/08/2015 12:20

If any woman feels she has to rush back into being a sexual being soon after giving birth she's with an abusive sexist fuckwit.

dollius · 15/08/2015 13:08

Um, when you have a 10 week old baby, then no, your DH is NOT as important as either of you. You and the baby's well being are paramount and him hassling you for sex is horrid.

You should not be having to think about his "needs" right now. You should be thinking of your baby's needs first and yours second. His job is to support you now.

Sex after birth varies a lot for everyone, but many women are still healing at 10 weeks post partum.

Imagine this. He is 10 weeks from having a grapefruit removed from his rectum. Would you be hassling him for your right to stick a large item up his arse and harping on about your "needs"? Would you? Really??

Ugh.

AyeAmarok · 15/08/2015 16:58

scallopsrgreat · 15/08/2015 17:50

"Is it really that hard to see someone else's pov?" So why isn't he seeing your pov? You don't have to 'please' him. What does he do to 'please' you? Is he thinking about your needs as much as you are thinking about his? Probably not.

You didn't answer the question about why isn't he as tired as you. You don't have to, of course, but I'd think about why that is and whether he's pulling his weight too.

scallopsrgreat · 15/08/2015 17:52

Actually they aren't his 'needs', they are his wants. You have needs e.g. getting enough sleep and support to help you look after your child. Your baby has needs e.g. being fed, changed, sleep, love. At the moment he's just whining about what he wants.

eaiand2 · 15/08/2015 17:57

Omg, don't feel pressured! The right time is when you're ready. Depending on what the birth was like and how much sleep you're getting and where your baby is sleeping the right time could vary hugely.

I had a bad tear (3rd degree), and even though it healed well it was still a bit tender when we did have sex at nearly 4 months pp. That was also when we moved DD to her own room and she started sleeping better (just the one wake up a night).

In the 10 months since I can count on one hand how many times we have managed to find the time and everything else has slotted into place.

Breastfeeding often lowers libido as well, if you're breastfeeding. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready.

eaiand2 · 15/08/2015 18:06

And I definitely agree with others regarding PoV.

The man I love would never want me to have sex or do any other sexual activities with him just to please him if I wasn't feeling into it. That's because he loves and respects me. He would much rather have a wank in the shower than force (or pressure or manipulate) me to do something I don't want to do.

Now, if 'pleasing' him at your own expense is actually what gets you off, hey, to each their own

pasanda · 15/08/2015 18:17

I had to take the MAP when my twins were 8 weeks old

It was too early to have the coil refitted and we had no condoms because I didn't think we would need them!

I was with my friend at the time who couldn't believe I had had sex at all!

Now they are 7, he's lucky if he gets it once a month!

Ifiwasabadger · 15/08/2015 18:23

5 weeks after. I was absolutely gagging for it as had a total sex and orgasm ban during pregnancy due to a cervical stitch.

I had a c section so no issues in the fanjo department as far as pain or stitches etc. I stopped bleeding a few weeks after birth. DH attended to my need first (ahem), I came in about ten seconds flat. Then we went very slowly with the actual sex. It was great.

I was also hugely relieved that i could claim that part of me, of my life back.

Everyone's recovery is different though, no one should be rushed.

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