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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you report this? My sister

40 replies

NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 12:28

My sister and my mum have a awful relationship.
My mum is a wonderful woman who would help anyone with anything and I can't understand why this has happened.
I moved to the south of the UK around ten years ago with my family remaining up north.
Now my mum has retired she comes down to stay with us, we're by the beach.
It's lovely.

My sister doesn't like this and every time she Facebook stalks me through another persons Facebook and finds out my mum is here despite my privacy settings!

The text messages and Facebook messages start. They are awful, calling us every name under the sun and saying we should die etc. I'm a single parent so I get that thrown at me, why no man wants me etc.

She calls me a murderer and a baby killer after I had an abortion in my early twenties.

Mum has been her 5 days now and the messages are constant. I've tried everything, but it does hurt.

What concerns me most is that she's currently lost her grandchildren so foster care under ss care. I can't see how writing these things pm social media is going to reflect well.
Please help

OP posts:
songbird · 13/08/2015 12:30

Oh god, that sounds horrendous. Re. your thread title, who are you suggesting reporting it to?

Wishful80smontage · 13/08/2015 12:32

Your sister is harrasing you - if it were me I wouldn't hesitate in reporting her to the police she sounds like a nightmare :(

Heels99 · 13/08/2015 12:32

Block her

MeganTrainer · 13/08/2015 12:34

Don't put anything on FB when your mum is with you?

wizzler · 13/08/2015 12:34

She sounds unhinged.. but wouldnt it just be easier to not post on facebook that your mum is visiting you ?

Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 12:37

That's the thing I don't do anything on fb, family do, or she just finds out.
I don't see why I should hide.
I don't know who to report to tbh

OP posts:
Charis1 · 13/08/2015 12:39

just don't go on facebook?

Aussiemum78 · 13/08/2015 12:43

Block her phone number and block her on FaceBook.

Change your phone number.

Is someone else in your family giving her info? Any idea who?

Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 12:45

We've got no idea how she is finding out.

We shouldn't have to live in hiding from her

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 13/08/2015 12:45

You shouldn't have to hide your life on Facebook because your sister is unhinged.

If there's no relationship there with her that you're trying to reclaim, I would report her for harassment.

BarbarianMum · 13/08/2015 12:46
Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 12:49

She's blocked on fb and what app and texts.
She uses different numbers Confused

It's a nightmare, she's nearly 40 fgs

OP posts:
Wishful80smontage · 13/08/2015 12:49

No you shouldn't have to hide OP- honestly call 101 and have a chat with someone there for advice.

BarbarianMum · 13/08/2015 12:58

Then report her to the police for harassment. Honestly, she sounds unhinged.

cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 13:15

I'd report her to the police directly. Not just for your own sake but for your mother's also.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2015 13:20

Would your mum be happier moving down to live near you? I know I'm off on a tangent here!

shovetheholly · 13/08/2015 13:26

I am not sure I have understood correctly, but has your sister had her kids taken away by social services? If so, I wouldn't do anything that could possibly make her life more difficult with the authorities right now.

I'm not excusing her behaviour, which is shocking and awful. She does sound like she has some kind of mental health problem. The behaviour is so extreme, though, that it also sounds like there is some toxic history there between her and your mother, and that the visits to your house are seen as you 'siding' with your mother and her version of events.

I would ignore the texts and Facebook messages, and consider changing your number or blocking her so that she can't message you. I would also write her a very factual email stating that I was doing this because I found them too upsetting, but that I did love and support BOTH her AND my mother, and would never take a side in their disputes because of that, ending by saying that I would be there if she needed me in future.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 13:30

Shove, your spot on. Except no one can work out the catalyst, it seems to be coming here.

My mum has tried everything, especially helping her regarding ss

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 13/08/2015 13:38

First thing: her behaviour is not your problem to 'solve'. It's not your responsibility to make a 40 year old woman behave in a reasonable fashion.

Second thing: behaviour like that might conceivably come from a place of real hurt. Would it be worth trying to understand why she feels this way - and I mean really listening to her side of it, rather than offering any judgement or adjudication or defence of any kind? It might give you some insight about what the real problem is and there might be stuff in the past of which you are not fully aware that causes this very extreme reaction. (Check out the thread of dysfunctional families - it is full of people whose relations, wittingly or unwittingly 'scapegoat' them or try to define negative roles for them. I'm not remotely saying you do this - you sound really caring - but that it might be that your mother does, or that her actions are perceived that way by your sister, and that there may be reassurances you can give or support you can offer to stop this happening every time. Alternatively, there may not!)

tribpot · 13/08/2015 13:39

In considering what support this woman needs in order to have her children returned to her, it doesn't seem unreasonable for the authorities to have a full picture of her behaviour. Add to which, the OP and her mum have the right to live without constant harassment just because this person is a family member.

Clearly you have a mole somewhere, NobleLocks. I would set up a custom list with only a very few friends on and post that your mum is visiting (even if she isn't). Gradually increase that list and you'll work out who it is who's allowing her to use their login.

As she's sending you abusive messages via Facebook, I would report her there for starters and have her banned. I would use a blocking app on your phone to hide all texts from numbers other than your contacts but I'm not sure you can do much on Whatsapp unless you change your number.

And yes, I would report to the police. Harassment advice from CAB.

Mintyy · 13/08/2015 13:45

There's clearly a colossal back story here. But if your sister's behaviour (re. the online stalking and messages) is as extreme as you say, then it's quite obvious that she is in the throes of some sort of crisis. So I wouldn't rely on the advice of randoms on the internet when trying to decide what to do. It all sounds far too serious for that.

mindyourown15 · 13/08/2015 13:46

you can change your FB settings so someone who isn't your friend can't message you. If others are tagging your Mum then they need to make sure their own Facebook settings are very private too.

You can also put an app on your phone to stop unknown numbers contacting you.

tribpot · 13/08/2015 13:55

You can't stop non-friends messaging you on Facebook. The best you can do is apply strict filtering (more info here).

Facebook sell the ability to contact you in your Inbox rather than Other mailbox - how lovely.

mindyourown15 · 13/08/2015 14:08

You can make it so only friends can message you - I have. Go to settings > privacy > who can contact me.

Original poster
NobleLocks · 13/08/2015 14:15

Thank you all, really really useful information.
I think my termination is the catalyst, she is very against it and my mum has tried the respect others decisions approach, and my sister thinks I should have been cut off.

It's only now I've realised this is the likely catalyst Confused

OP posts:
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