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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A few slaps on the face?

57 replies

DulchedeLeche · 09/08/2015 23:39

DH has been very short-tempered and rather rude recently. Yesterday, he started mocking me by saying that I was yapping in his ear - actually, I was trying to have a proper conversation about something that really bothers me. I kept calm, pointed out that he was being rude and a few minutes later he apologised.

He seems to lose his cool and get all angry and worked up all the time, and it happened a few times today when he totally overreacted. Mind you, this was after him saying this morning how utterly and amazingly close we are!

Tonight, over a roast chicken, he started growling again and I retaliated. At this point, he lost it and gave me 3-4 soft taps on the side of my face. I told him that he had to right to lay a finger on me to which he responded that I was being an idiot. I pointed to the front door and just say "off you go then" at which point he started pulling me by my feet to drag me off the sofa. The whole thing ended there but I am horrified that two people who are suppose to love each other can behave like this. I've never called him names etc although I did say tonight that he had to resort to physical violence in order to make up for the lack of brains... Anyway, the whole episode was truly horrid and he's now camping on the sofa, something that he seems quite happy to whenever something goes wrong. What on earth has happened to us or to the man that I married two years ago??

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/08/2015 23:45

How long have you known him?

You know that important barriers have been crossed. Unfortunately, in my experience, once it's crossed it doesn't get back on track.
If you were to recover, it would take a lot of work and self awareness on his part.
Has he said anything else to you?
What happens when he takes to the sofa after an argument?

Bubblesinthesummer · 09/08/2015 23:50

My DBrothers exW used to do this and unfortunately it did esculate pretty badly and ended up with him being quite badly hurt.

Please get him to get help with his anger issues.

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 23:53

Do you have DCs?

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 09/08/2015 23:55

No, he hasn't spoken to me at all. He's been watching tv, conveniently ignoring me. I had my dinner and came to the bedroom.

We've known each other for 4 years and have been married for 2. I wish I hadn't said the thing about him being violent to make up for low IQ. I've always had it in my mind that the moment you start to freely throw abuse at the other person, the respect is gone. His comment yesterday wasn't new. He's done it before (about twice or three times) when he's gone on a mocking voice "yap yap yap" and that truly shocked me. You can tell somebody that they need to stop nagging or whatever it is that isn't going write, but you can do so in a way that you show respect for the other person and that you are listening. I hate nagging and the times when he's reacted this way was when he felt put on the spot or as he says "you think you are so much better than me". Tonight, it was nothing more than me questioning his decision to leave the chicken in the over for any longer as it had already been in there for over 2 hours. "Are you sure? It's been in there for a long time now..." Basically, it sounded like he had taken offence that I was questioning his cooking skills?! But to go from there to calling me an idiot and physical contact???

OP posts:
Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 09/08/2015 23:57

No together, no. My DS, who is a teenager, lives with us but he is at a friend's tonight.

OP posts:
Peppasmate · 09/08/2015 23:58

It isn't the op job to get him help with his anger issues, that's his job.

From your description, your relationship sounds unhappy. Serious boundary issues & lack of respect.

I'd be questioning the future of this relationship if it were me...

lostinikea · 09/08/2015 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 00:08

OP, please think about what you want going forward.

'tapping' your face and dragging you off furniture by your feet is not acceptable on any level.

Please talk to someone in RL and get help.

As I have said, my ex SIL behaviour towards my DBr started this way, but no one knew because he didn't say anything until it got really bad.

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 10/08/2015 00:21

I can't quite remember everything that was said but DH does have a tendency to try to blame everything on me. He did say something along the lines of "if you don't think that I am good enough then you know what to do, don't you?" That always hurts me (and he said that in the car yesterday too) as I hear it as though our relationships absolutely worthless. But then you look all the things that he does, consistently, every day and you can't possibly question his commitment to our relationship or his love for me. But then where is the respect when something is making him angry? Right now, he's on the defensive and being rather sensitive but I have no idea what is behind it all. AND it does not justify us treating each other with less respect and the violence (or threat of).

OP posts:
trackrBird · 10/08/2015 00:44

That's not 'us treating each other with less respect and violence', that's him treating YOU with less respect and violence.

Mocking, hitting and dragging are abusive behaviours. They tend to escalate.

The man you married is starting to show you, very clearly, what will happen when you argue or threaten his sense of superiority.

You should start to seek outside help. Here's one resource for you: www.womensaid.org.uk

Lweji · 10/08/2015 00:54

Everyone can act nice and decently what things go right.
We measure people when things aren't perfect. He is clearly telling you what he thinks of you with his abusive behaviour.
You know you shouldn't and don't have to put up with it. You are quite right that the respect is gone.

What do you want to do about it?

TheFatHobbit · 10/08/2015 07:23

My DH and I have been together for 20 years.

Never in all that time have either of us put our hands on the other in anger.

He is testing you out. Next time it won't be a 'tap' or a 'pull' and there will be a next time.

If you won't bin him for yourself do it for your DS. Do you really want him to learn this is how you treat the woman you 'love'? What if next time your DS is there and tries to defend you?

Skiptonlass · 10/08/2015 07:46

He's testing the boundaries. Next time (and there will be a next time) it'll not be a 'soft tap'.

Your son may not have witnessed last nights episode but he will be soaking in the atmosphere and the implicit suggestion that a woman making reasonable requests of a man is 'nagging' and must be put in her place.

Heartbreaking as it is, the mask is slipping and you're seeing what he's really like.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 07:56

Going back to your op, it looks like you are having some trouble reconciling the man you thought he was with how he is revealing himself to be.
He is, now, this man who is physically, and emotionally, abusing you. It may not seem like much, now, but you know the most likely scenario is that it will escalate.
But he will say he's sorry if you stand your ground and don't apologise for your part in it. He will still blame you in a large part for it, for his own behaviour. But, he will do his best to keep you going, and doubting yourself, until the next time.

saltnpepa · 10/08/2015 08:07

He doesn't love you. He wants to abuse and control you. People do not hit people they love. it will get worse. He might kill you one day, that happens. Call Womens Aid and plan your escape carefully because men like this become more violent when the woman is leaving. This relationship is a road to nowhere, it is finished already, no it is not your fault, no you are not responsible for his 'anger', yes you must leave.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 10/08/2015 08:38

Hope your ok today OP.
This may never happen again, or he may lose it and put you on hospital. It all depends - if you're not quite good enough at walking on eggshells, if you never, ever question or 'nag' him (a word invented to shut us up, I swear)

What's he like with your son? Did he love bomb him too, to start? Is he starting to be critical of him too?

Jan45 · 10/08/2015 10:12

Would you take that shit from anyone else, no, so why take it from your husband, it's bullying, intimidating and physically aggressive.

He's a nasty piece of work OP.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 10/08/2015 10:24

Also - and I'm just surmising here - are you now in a position where you'd find it difficult to move out financially? Bought/rented a house together, moved location & are job hunting, something like that. All pretty normal on their own, but often once these men feel like they have you over a barrel, that's when the sulks, tantrums,few slaps, bit of man handling, etc, all start.

Theoriginallem · 10/08/2015 10:33

Just leave him. His IQ is irrelevant, the man is a cunt.

This is the tip of the iceberg - he gets away with this the slaps wont be quite so light next time, then the next time.........

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 10/08/2015 11:34

I have been trying to think what he could possibly do to put things right. Not an apology (they are just words after all) or some meaningless gesture. Some people have suggested that he needs to seek help. I can't see that happening as it's always somebody else's fault.

I am not financially dependent on him and no, he's never touched DS. He's highly critical of everyone but that has never bothered me as I just get annoyed if it's aimed at me, it doesn't dent my confidence or self-esteem. He does go through phases and it's normally when he's under pressure from elsewhere or something is going wrong elsewhere - it seems that he needs to put other people down in order to feel in control.

I do appreciate what has been said about 'next time' and it's true in almost every case. But above that, I feel that he's lost my respect. He was a coward when he touched, he was a coward when he chose to spend the night on the sofa, without speaking to me. And he showed that he doesn't understand boundaries or mutual respect. Yes, there will be times when we'll be getting on each other's nerves but mocking and being disrespectful will never lead to a health relationship. And that's before we even go into physical violence...

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2015 12:32

It will get worse, OP. He's given himself permission to use violence against you, to make sure that you 'know your place'.
Get him out as soon as possible.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 14:33

Well, Dulce, this is the time to act. By staying and acting again as normal, you'd be accepting his treatment of you. It will be harder in the long term as he acts normal for a while and you start doubting yourself.

vestandsocks · 10/08/2015 15:53

I agree with all the above, this man is trying to control you and I would also recommend calling Women's Aid for advice. The 'good times' that you mention do not in ANY way make his violence and disrespectful behaviour towards you acceptable. Unfortunately he is showing his true colours.
He will also never change and it will happen again... get worse even. Believe me, I was in exactly the same boat as you a year ago.
I would really recommend reading 'Why does he do That?' by Lundy Bancroft and getting as much support as you can - it is out there.

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 10/08/2015 16:27

I've just looked up the book and one of the passages really shocked me (below). Answered 'yes' to every single one of those questions. There was even once when he emptied a glass of water on my face. This is crazy.

Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:54

Wow!

I think you really need to leave him. This is very far from a one off.

But, you do need to be cautious. Get real life people on the case, get advice and help from WA, and make sure you are safe when you leave him. Look up legal ways of keeping him away from you.

It may help if he thinks it's a temporary separation.