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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A few slaps on the face?

57 replies

DulchedeLeche · 09/08/2015 23:39

DH has been very short-tempered and rather rude recently. Yesterday, he started mocking me by saying that I was yapping in his ear - actually, I was trying to have a proper conversation about something that really bothers me. I kept calm, pointed out that he was being rude and a few minutes later he apologised.

He seems to lose his cool and get all angry and worked up all the time, and it happened a few times today when he totally overreacted. Mind you, this was after him saying this morning how utterly and amazingly close we are!

Tonight, over a roast chicken, he started growling again and I retaliated. At this point, he lost it and gave me 3-4 soft taps on the side of my face. I told him that he had to right to lay a finger on me to which he responded that I was being an idiot. I pointed to the front door and just say "off you go then" at which point he started pulling me by my feet to drag me off the sofa. The whole thing ended there but I am horrified that two people who are suppose to love each other can behave like this. I've never called him names etc although I did say tonight that he had to resort to physical violence in order to make up for the lack of brains... Anyway, the whole episode was truly horrid and he's now camping on the sofa, something that he seems quite happy to whenever something goes wrong. What on earth has happened to us or to the man that I married two years ago??

OP posts:
MarchLikeAnAnt · 10/08/2015 17:11

How awful for you Flowers Do you have friends/ family that you can talk to? It won't be a light slap next time..

trackrBird · 10/08/2015 17:35

That's bad, Dulche.

vestandsocks · 10/08/2015 17:39

So sorry OP Flowers.

This man is a violent bully and he is abusing you.

Can you call Women's Aid? 0808 2000 247.

Be prepared for him to get worse if you stand up to him. Not saying this to make you feel bad, but to help you to understand that if he does get worse, it is NOT your fault. Don't let him derail you. It's his problem not yours!

Atenco · 10/08/2015 22:17

And there I was thinking that the other people were exaggerating until your last couple of posts. The last one of course means that you are quite right to think that things are going seriously wrong, but the bit that caught my attention was this statement it's always somebody else's fault. People who are incapable of recognising their own mistakes are a danger to society and never grow up.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2015 23:40

OP, you know how you always hear that victims of domestic violence blame themselves, say it's not that big a deal, say he's such a good person at other times, that they don't want to make a fuss, that others have it worse, that they're not being hit that much or that hard, etc etc etc etc?

Yes. I'm sorry, but you know what I'm saying.

You must leave. It will escalate - it already has. You could end up in A&E and you'll be so gaslit by that point you still won't see how serious it is. You must leave.

You may have trouble saying it to yourself, so I will say it for you. He is a violent abusive shitbag and you must leave.

Jux · 11/08/2015 00:09

I agree with the others. I'm so sorry, Dulche, but he is a violent abusive shitbag as Sheba so eloquently puts it.

You do need to free yourself from him and this toxic relationship, as his behaviour is escalating already. Two years to get to this point, think about what that will be like in another two years, or five, or ten.....

Good luck op. It's a lot to take on board in one go like this, but at least call Women's Aid, and talk it through with them, or your police DV Unit. Thanks

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 11/08/2015 04:23

OP, you do know what Sheba is referring to when she mentions 'Gaslighting/gaslit', do you? Google 'Gaslighting'. The original term is from an old movie but that's not important. He is gaslighting you and abusing you and the not taking blame is juvenile and slightly sociopathic/psychopathic I would say (love how a gaslighted person is gaslit btw ;) -excellent) As others have said, until he grows up and/or develops some self awareness (don't hold your breath) this is not going to improve and you ARE brighter than him because you have copped on to him and he hates that which is why he is putting you down. It's his problem to sort not yours. Your job is to point out that you expect more. Many many mile more than his lazy attempts at re-establishing a balance that suits him only.

bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 04:27

OP, this is really awful. Unfortunately people who have these tendencies can keep them hidden for some time.

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 11/08/2015 12:01

Thank you all. He made some clumsy attempt to pretend that all was at dinner last night: cooked dinner for us all, set the table etc. He's always very good when it comes to looking after us in that way which is what I was referring to about the 'good times'. I stood my ground and seeing that he's made no attempt to have a grown up conversation, I have got nothing else to say. I have told him that he needs to find somewhere else to live and he's on the sofa for now. I read up about how people like DH accuse the other person of provoking a reaction - sorry if it was actually a comment posted here! When I tried to talk to him about what needs to be doing and how there was absolutely no justification for his violent outbursts, he tried to start with "But did you listen to the things you said...". I never call him names, it was the first time that I insulted his intelligence and I most certainly have never touched any of his property and being physically violent towards him. I don't go around breaking things or smashing plates. This is not the sort of environment that I want to live in or the loving relationship that I set out to have. There is nothing there. No acknowledgment, no admission, no accountability or even an attempt to have a grown up conversation. One thing I did say when I was explaining that we need to sort out finances, etc until he's moved out, and as he kept putting the telly on while I was mid-sentence, was that he's got the emotional maturity of a toddler and that his behaviour there and then showed just that - I was beyond caring that I was being offensive (which again is not how I want to feel towards my husband). I compared it to a very badly-behaved toddler, who is being told off by the parent, and starts going "nah nah nah nha" as the parent is speaking - you get the picture.

Needless to say, I've had very little sleep and I am an absolute wreck. I can't believe that this man, who's done so many wonderful things and who's said so many loving things, can totally fail to recognise what's happening or how damaging his behaviour is. It's his ego, pride and need to control above our future together and that deep love that he said he had for me. This is all about control and feeling that he's come out on top.

OP posts:
saltnpepa · 11/08/2015 12:39

What you are describing is a couple trying to find common ground after a big fall out. You are not describing a woman leaving her partner because he is physically abusive and therefore dangerous.

There should be no discussions about this with him. You only need to tell him that he is leaving tomorrow morning and if he refuses to leave you will call the police. You need to call the police tonight and tell them this is what is happening tomorrow. if the house is in both your names he still needs to go. You sort out the finances when he's gone. You and your child are in danger and you are having conversations with your abuser while leaving yourselves open to real harm. Face up to reality.

saltnpepa · 11/08/2015 12:43

Oh ps, you need to leave the house now, today, and not be there when he goes tomorrow. You need to call a locksmith and arrange for them to come tomorrow. If you get home tomorrow and he is still there you call the police before you enter the property and they will happily remove him. It is illegal what he has done so let the right people deal with him. Get the locksmith to change the locks. Job done, shitbag removed and safety restored. Get on with life.

saltnpepa · 11/08/2015 12:43

Oh and sorry to keep coming back but then you get a restraining order.

thenumberseven · 11/08/2015 12:53

Dulce has your teenage son ever witnessed your DH behave this way towards you?
If he has it may give him the wrong message on how relationships should be.
Also, what if when he's older he sees your DH manhandling you and understandably tries to interfere?

vestandsocks · 11/08/2015 13:07

I agree with the others, do not even give this man the time of day any more. He is a total waste of your precious thoughts and you need to focus on YOU now, and your ds. Don't worry about his sorry arse, he can sort himself out. It's not your responsibility.

Tell him to leave or you will call the police. end of.

CharlotteCollins · 11/08/2015 13:28

You are seeing it all very clearly, OP, well done. It is his actions that are ending this marriage and he doesn't care or even realise, it seems!

When is he going? Be aware that he will drag his feet big time about finding somewhere else to go.

Bubblesinthesummer · 11/08/2015 13:40

OP, this is really awful. Unfortunately people who have these tendencies can keep them hidden for some time

I agree. To the outside world my DBr exW was lovely, which was polar opposite to what she was like behind closed doors.

It was only when he ended up in hospital through her actions, that everyone could actually see what was going on.

Please listen to what people are saying to you Flowers

Atenco · 11/08/2015 14:00

You sound really on the ball, OP, though I know this all must be heart-breaking for you.

Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 11/08/2015 14:14

Hi all,

No, DS has never witnessed anything, and I've worked out that there have been 4 incidents in the time that we've been together: one when he pushed me onto our bed, another when he emptied a glass of water on me, when he started poking me and pushing me around to stop me from leaving the room and this last incident. There been about a dozen occurrences of him waving his fist in my face. Now, would you believe that we actually very rarely argued or fell out? But the times when we did, the more I kept my cool (I hate showdowns, shouting and swearing), the more he lost it.

We are safe. I am safe. I've explained where things stand, but I am not going to throw him out. There is no excuse or justification for his manhandling and violent behaviour but I am not going to write off all the good stuff that has happened between us and that he has done. Unfortunately, they don't make up for a lifelong of uncertainty and the threat of beating, which is why we have absolutely no future whatsoever. I will be on his case to go and I made a start today as we had a family holiday booked for two weeks' time and a big family event that needs to be cancelled. Thankfully, DS has been invited to visit friends abroad and has left today so that gives me time to get my house in order and get things in motion.

OP posts:
Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 11/08/2015 14:24

Thank you Atenco I know quite a few people will read my previous post and be horrified by the thought of me not throwing my husband out on the sport.

I am not a victim, I don't feel in danger - hard to believe, I know. I simply can't live with this sort of behaviour. What he did broke my heart as it demonstrated an utter lack of respect for me (just like the "yap yap" comment). Some people may find it hard to understand but that hurt a million times more than him trying to pull me off the sofa by my ankle. And as I've said before, it doesn't matter who is on the wrong, but the moment you start calling each other names, resorting to violence and so on, there is no respect left in the relationship. I've said things to him which I never thought I would and it shows that even if promised to change etc, I have no respect left for him. An emotionally immature thug. Full stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
DulchedeLeche · 11/08/2015 14:25

I meant on the spot!

OP posts:
thenumberseven · 11/08/2015 14:56

I understand what you're saying and understand when you say you don't feel a victim or in danger, also not wanting to throw him out.

All the best Dulce Flowers

Lweji · 11/08/2015 15:27

I understand where you are coming from. I have been there.
In a short time it lead to a full hard slap and death threats.
Don't assume you are safe for a second, just because he hasn't beaten you up yet.

I don't really expect you to leave at this time, as it doesn't seem serious enough for you and I'm sure you are convinced you can handle it and he's nothing more than a bully who won't actually do much harm.
You are most likely wrong, and do you actually want to live like this? But at the very least make sure that if you need to go, you can do it safely and fast.

Tell real life people about his behaviour and see their reactions.

saltnpepa · 11/08/2015 17:10

We are safe. I am safe. I've explained where things stand, but I am not going to throw him out. Because you plan to stay. So sad.

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/08/2015 18:33

You are not safe.

Jux · 11/08/2015 18:48

It doesn't sound like Dulche plans to stay to me, saltnpepa. Stay in the house, but not with the abusive man.

Dulche, he's not going to go without a fight, so be on your guard. Find a safe place, at a friend's or at work, to stash an 'emergency bag' with important documents, memorabilia etc. just in case you do need to get out smartish.

Give him a close deadline - not weeks away, but days away, as otherwise he'll leave it until he's a day away and will then wheedle at you to give him more time. Meanwhile, he'll have been doing lovely stuff for you at you'll be thinking it's not too bad, and you'll be tempted.

So, he has to go very very soon, Friday at the latest, and stick to it, do not waiver.

Get to a so.icitor, and start sorting out the legal stuff, house bank accounts etc. The house belongs to you both, unless it's rented, as you're married. Any joint accounts? Keep statements for all bank accounts, liabilities, creditors and so on. Hide yours and ds's passports, birth certs, marriage cert and so on. Find and copy h's payslips, P45, whatever you can find.