I thought starting a new thread would just be easier than tracking down my old one.
Thank you everyone that PM'd me or left kind messages on my old threads. Your support has really helped get me through these very dark times. I decided to take a step back for a while mainly die to the fact i just couldn't handle my emotions and the situation that was playing out in my life. Although my threads were a massive source of support I was in a bad place near the end and found it very hard to talk on the board after a few posters suggested I was a troll.
I have been back at work just over a month now. Its not been easy, mainly because i'm in an office full of people who signed my wedding card, my new baby card, have been to parties, dinners and days out with me and my ExH so having to walk in there and face them on a daily basis was terrifying at first. Everyone was lovely to me but i kept feeling like they were thinking "wow poor Phee what a situation" I no longer have the photos on my desk of ExH and My wedding day t just one of me and the twins but i just felt like there were people who remembered the "shrine" my desk was previously to my exH, Twins and my perfect life/marriage.
I've found my confidence was totally knocked by what ExH did, its made it difficult for me to be social at work because I still have this feeling i'm not good enough otherwise why would he have left me for OW. Saying that the people i'd worked with previously have all been very lovely, welcoming me back and making sure i still feel included in office chats and coffee. There are lots of new people as well who didn't work here when i did previously, one girl in particular has been lovely to me. She sits a desk over from me and admitted she'd heard the gossip about what had happen to me but made a huge effort to come chat with me, help me with new parts of the job I didn't know much about and sits with me to have lunch at my desk when I don't feel like putting on a brave face. She's suggest we go shopping and have a girl take away night one weekend when ExH has the kids so thats been really nice for me to build a new friendship.
I think i'm slowly getting there with work, its just trying to work past all these feelings of shame and humiliation over what exH did to me.
ExH is still with OW, I think part of me hoped he would realise what he'd lost by leaving our beautiful family or maybe she would get bored once she's "trapped" her married man but I don't think that's the case now. He's still making plans to move in with her properly once our divorce is all sorted. We're still not 100% agreed on what this means for the twins since i was very clear at mediation I didn't want them meeting OW this soon and ideally not until after Christmas but I think he intends to try and live with her a lot sooner so i'm starting to prepare myself for the worst. I cant decide if it would be worse for Daddy to suddenly with living with some one else and met her that way or for them to meet her prior to that. I don't know if its a good or a bad thing but he told me about the moving in plans "in an effort to be honest not to hurt me" so i'm prepared for what he does. I was pretty angry and upset that day wanting to know lots of things about their affair why he chose her over me. He kept telling me he'd told me it all before and there was no point rehashing it all because all it would do was hurt me all over again and he didn't think i needed that right now. In a way he was right, not that i think he was really thinking about me more that he didn't want to have to deal with my my rage, anger, crying and begging.
I asked him outright if he was planning on living with OW did that mean he planned to marry her or have more children. He said he wasn't going to lie to me, although he had no plans to do either of those things right this second yes he was hoping to have a proper future with the OW.
I've completely blocked him on Facebook now it was just too painful. His profile picture is him with the twins. its a lovely picture they look so happy and like they were having a great time but it hurt so badly because now his family life with the twins is completely separate from me, I hated seeing them so happy knowing it was without me. I find myself missing him when me and the twins do things. I don't mean to but i find my mind wandering thinking if exh could see us now he'd know what he was missing or wouldn't this be perfect if exH was here but i'm not an idiot i know those thoughts are not crossing his mind. His cover photo is also a picture of him,ow and her son looking like a happy smiley family. I saw it and it broke me for a few days. I sent the kids to my mums and spent 2 days in bed crying over it. I know he's not worth my tears or heartbreak seeing it caused me but the place i was in at the time I just couldn't handle it. After two days in bed crying and feeling like my world had ended I got up blocked him on facebook and decided I would try to start rebuilding my life.
Thank you again for all the support you've all given me 