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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OpheliaRose - Update

61 replies

OpheliaRose · 09/08/2015 22:13

I thought starting a new thread would just be easier than tracking down my old one.

Thank you everyone that PM'd me or left kind messages on my old threads. Your support has really helped get me through these very dark times. I decided to take a step back for a while mainly die to the fact i just couldn't handle my emotions and the situation that was playing out in my life. Although my threads were a massive source of support I was in a bad place near the end and found it very hard to talk on the board after a few posters suggested I was a troll.

I have been back at work just over a month now. Its not been easy, mainly because i'm in an office full of people who signed my wedding card, my new baby card, have been to parties, dinners and days out with me and my ExH so having to walk in there and face them on a daily basis was terrifying at first. Everyone was lovely to me but i kept feeling like they were thinking "wow poor Phee what a situation" I no longer have the photos on my desk of ExH and My wedding day t just one of me and the twins but i just felt like there were people who remembered the "shrine" my desk was previously to my exH, Twins and my perfect life/marriage.

I've found my confidence was totally knocked by what ExH did, its made it difficult for me to be social at work because I still have this feeling i'm not good enough otherwise why would he have left me for OW. Saying that the people i'd worked with previously have all been very lovely, welcoming me back and making sure i still feel included in office chats and coffee. There are lots of new people as well who didn't work here when i did previously, one girl in particular has been lovely to me. She sits a desk over from me and admitted she'd heard the gossip about what had happen to me but made a huge effort to come chat with me, help me with new parts of the job I didn't know much about and sits with me to have lunch at my desk when I don't feel like putting on a brave face. She's suggest we go shopping and have a girl take away night one weekend when ExH has the kids so thats been really nice for me to build a new friendship.

I think i'm slowly getting there with work, its just trying to work past all these feelings of shame and humiliation over what exH did to me.

ExH is still with OW, I think part of me hoped he would realise what he'd lost by leaving our beautiful family or maybe she would get bored once she's "trapped" her married man but I don't think that's the case now. He's still making plans to move in with her properly once our divorce is all sorted. We're still not 100% agreed on what this means for the twins since i was very clear at mediation I didn't want them meeting OW this soon and ideally not until after Christmas but I think he intends to try and live with her a lot sooner so i'm starting to prepare myself for the worst. I cant decide if it would be worse for Daddy to suddenly with living with some one else and met her that way or for them to meet her prior to that. I don't know if its a good or a bad thing but he told me about the moving in plans "in an effort to be honest not to hurt me" so i'm prepared for what he does. I was pretty angry and upset that day wanting to know lots of things about their affair why he chose her over me. He kept telling me he'd told me it all before and there was no point rehashing it all because all it would do was hurt me all over again and he didn't think i needed that right now. In a way he was right, not that i think he was really thinking about me more that he didn't want to have to deal with my my rage, anger, crying and begging.

I asked him outright if he was planning on living with OW did that mean he planned to marry her or have more children. He said he wasn't going to lie to me, although he had no plans to do either of those things right this second yes he was hoping to have a proper future with the OW.

I've completely blocked him on Facebook now it was just too painful. His profile picture is him with the twins. its a lovely picture they look so happy and like they were having a great time but it hurt so badly because now his family life with the twins is completely separate from me, I hated seeing them so happy knowing it was without me. I find myself missing him when me and the twins do things. I don't mean to but i find my mind wandering thinking if exh could see us now he'd know what he was missing or wouldn't this be perfect if exH was here but i'm not an idiot i know those thoughts are not crossing his mind. His cover photo is also a picture of him,ow and her son looking like a happy smiley family. I saw it and it broke me for a few days. I sent the kids to my mums and spent 2 days in bed crying over it. I know he's not worth my tears or heartbreak seeing it caused me but the place i was in at the time I just couldn't handle it. After two days in bed crying and feeling like my world had ended I got up blocked him on facebook and decided I would try to start rebuilding my life.

Thank you again for all the support you've all given me

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 10/08/2015 16:07

Donkey usually we have a family party and friends over with their children etc but I only really figured they should have a proper party because other children at the childminders seem to have proper 3rd birthday parties

I just hate how he uses the OW as An example of how perfect split custody can be. She's not perfect she's a home wrecking whore who got down on her knees at work for a married guy I don't want any life advice from her

OP posts:

Phoenix0x0 · 10/08/2015 16:19

Nor should you phee!

He needs to keep his mouth shut in regards to wank fodder.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/08/2015 16:21

In the film Wildcats, Goldie Hawn's husband runs off with some glossy woman and then tries to persuade her (Goldie that is) to get a job in a posh school, which she doesn't want. He says "[OW] went to that school and I think you'll agree she didn't turn out badly". It was a comedy, so I assumed nobody could really be that crass IRL. But it seems yes, they really can.

I think you need to practise a line like "and I should care what OW does, why?" Obviously he must think she's fabulous because he ran off with her. He's entitled to his opinion, of course, but you are equally entitled to tell him what to do with it. And he's not bloody invited to the party you are organising in your time with the twins. At your expense. Alone, because their father fucked off. Cheeky sod.

SuperFlyHigh · 10/08/2015 16:25

that would make me spit fire OP re how perfect OW is re a perfect split custody…

yes he needs to keep his mouth shut re her. as Phoenix says.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/08/2015 16:56

From memory he has always been super quick to quote her as an authority on everything. (sick face not envious)

SuperFlyHigh · 10/08/2015 17:11

Donkeys - isn't it great sometimes how you can't get an ex to STFU about any and everything even though you'd preferably want their mouth sewn up?! apart from when they speak to the DC of course.

Weebirdie · 10/08/2015 19:56

Phee, Its lovely to hear from you again

You've had a lot of women here willing you on and hoping you were ok.

Re the birthday party - I found that at three the children got overwhelmed by it all and a simple cutting of cake and drink of pop instead went down a treat. You could have a special tea and a handful of people who figure highly in your life around for a couple of hours and I bet everyone will have a great time.

As for you husband - well he doesn't have to be there.

As for the OW - here's hoping she doesn't get hurt too much when she falls of that pedestal

Lilacflower · 10/08/2015 20:07

Good to hear from you Phee, I was wondering how you were getting on. it's still early days

Lilacflower · 10/08/2015 20:10

Ah posted too soon - was going to say it's still early days but you seem a lot better which is good to hear.

As for the twin's birthday - do what you want to do, it's none of his business and I wouldn't invite him either. He can do something when he has them. This is the sort of thing he misses out in now due to his behaviour and decisions (following his heart he said )

many

Rosieliveson · 10/08/2015 20:15

Hi Phee,
It was so good to see your message. You certainly weren't forgotten here. I'm sorry things have been a mixed bag of ups and downs but hope the ups do, or at least soon will, outweigh the downs.
It's great that work is going well. Hold your head high and enjoy meeting people and making friends.

As for the birthday party, I feel "we are separated. That means separate. Separate homes, separate days out, separate parties." Says it all. Besides, you won't enjoy it at all if you're putting on a brave face for him and his family.
Best of luck with everything Phee

LittleChinaPig · 10/08/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cacofonix · 10/08/2015 20:37

Yes it is good to hear from you Phee and it sounds as though you are still doing really well. I have often thought of you and the twins and wish you all the best. We are all rooting for you. xx

Lotsofponies · 10/08/2015 21:01

Lovely to hear from you, although you probably don't feel it, you sound much stronger. I think counseling is a great idea, it's hard to shake the idea that you are not good enough without some help (and BTW you are far too good for him). I think there is a close correlation between lack of self esteem and the pain in a situation like this. As your confidence and self esteem return the pain will ebb away. I hope you and the twins have a lovely birthday party and he can blimmin well clear off!

Lightattheend · 10/08/2015 21:06

So glad you have posted an update, been thinking of you. It is perfectly normal for children to have a birthday celebration with mum and a separate one with dad. He needs to get over himself. So glad you are back at work surrounded by some lovely people. Remind yourself how fantastic you are, I had my confidence knocked and we don't deserve it. I am better now, you will be soon.

Newtodating · 10/08/2015 21:20

phee so good to hear from you-don't think I ever posted in your last threads but followed them and thought of you often and had been wondering how you're doing.
Sounds like you have come on in leaps and bounds and are gradually rebuilding your life so hats off to you.
As for the party - I'd do my own separate thing for the twins in your own time-their dad can do something to celebrate it with them when he has them.
Sending hugs x

Justnapping · 10/08/2015 22:19

Phee you are doing so well! I followed your other threads. Stay strong on the party, this is the price that he has to pay for his actions. No playing happy families when it suits him. You will come out stronger on the other side of this, even if it doesn't feel like that just now.

tomatoplantproject · 10/08/2015 22:23

Hi Phee. Glad to see you are still KOKO. I'm in a similar boat with the same timeframe (we both started threads at the same time).

Have your own party. When my dd turns 3 I'm going to have a small party and invite my little group of incredibly loyal and feisty friends. He wouldn't dare turn up.

I'd be more than happy to turn up at yours and give him the full force of my wrath on your behalf. I seem to have a lot of pent up anger these days

whitsernam · 10/08/2015 22:30

Yes, yes!! Invite Tomato! You two should be bestfriends forever.

Weebirdie · 10/08/2015 22:53

Yes, go on, invite Tom!

MerryMarigold · 10/08/2015 23:02

Who's tomato? I'm .

Weebirdie · 10/08/2015 23:19

Tomato is a a member from another thread going through the same thing.

MerryMarigold · 10/08/2015 23:19

Thank you!

TinyDancer69 · 11/08/2015 00:04

Honestly Phee - when will this excuse for a man understand that his actions have consequences? That when he left his beautiful family in a way only a profoundly selfish and narcissistic person could do, he forfeited the right to any if the normal family events. And that would include forfeiting the right to play happy families at your DCs birthday. What a pair they are indeed. I'm speechless on your behalf.

You did right in getting him told! Stick to your guns. If it wasn't so awful what they'd done, I'd say they're like Dumb And Dumber!!

venetiaswirl · 11/08/2015 07:34

Well done Phee - I've also followed your threads and wondered how you were. It's way too soon for anyone (let alone Mr me me me) to expect you to put aside your feelings of grief and hurt to play at happy blended families. He has switched off and moved on in a very cold and callous way. Most people don't do that - we mourn and grieve and feel - and that all takes time. Eventually you will work out a way of managing 'shared' parenting in a way that suits you and allows you to be as stress free as possible and puts the children's needs at the centre. But this is way too soon and only the most entitled and emotionally ignorant ex would expect to be involved. Stick to your gun and as others have suggested, have a small party, with a few of your closest friends / family around you and enjoy.
Do you have a lot of contact with him? He certainly feels able to give you 'advice' about the party etc. Good for you in blocking him on facebook. I suspect that as little contact as possible is the key to you being able to move on?
Wishing you well..

dangerrabbit · 11/08/2015 22:55

Phew, I followed your other threads, just checking in to wish you well.

Your STBXH is being a twatbadger as usual, but I'm pleased to hear this time you sound more detached from the undeniable pain he is causing you as compared to the immediate aftermath of your breakup and the revelations of his adultery.

Chin up

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