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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong here?

26 replies

holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 20:52

Husband has been drinking at a work event this afternoon. From past experience I know it was highly likely he would end up staying out and not tell me.out. So I called him and said " look if you're going to stay out just tell me now and I will be fine. Don't say you're coming home and then roll in drunk later as I really don't want to row".
He stayed out for another couple of hours then called, twice, to say he was en route home. So I start dinner.... It gets later and later. I call him only to find he has met another friend and gone off to another pub on his way home. He didn't bother to let me know and I'm so pissed off. He can't see what he has done wrong and is claiming that I said he could go out.

Am I wrong to be annoyed?? I did say he could go out but he told me twice he was on his way home. He can't then change his mind and not even bother to let me know!?

OP posts:
DeladionInch · 06/08/2015 20:55

He's a twat. I'd be "accidentally" locking him out and going to bed.

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 20:57

He is right!? I ended up screaming down the phone at him. He is bombarding me with texts saying that he can't do anything right.

He doesn't get it at all.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 06/08/2015 21:08

Why not just accept that when he goes out its best to accept he's going to be coming home late?

Also I k ow your annoyed you prepared his meal but in the grand scheme of things I don't think this is something worth getting upset over.

There was no malicious intent just drunken foolish behaviour

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 21:11

I would if it was very occasional but it's all the time. He is irresponsible and selfish.

I've completely had enough but he insists I'm unreasonable and unstable.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 06/08/2015 21:12

Quite likely- just accept it? WTF? He's a grown man and perfectly capable of communicating clearly with his partner, and treating her in a respectful way. Which is not what is happening here.

OP you're not wrong. But whilst I understand the palpable frustration, screaming at him probably isn't helpful either.

bonzo77 · 06/08/2015 21:13

Seriously. Get rid. They don't change because they don't want to. My ex pulled crap like this. God the relief when he was gone. And the total amazement once in a relationship with someone who can drink normally.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2015 21:14

Get shut of him then. You don't have to live like this, it sounds tedious and soul destroying.

Vatersay · 06/08/2015 21:16

Wait until everyone is calmer, then ask him how he would feel if you said you were coming home (from an afternoon out say) and he was waiting so the two of you could go out to dinner and then you just didn't turn up.

How would he feel?

Tweak the situation a bit, remove the alcohol, how would he feel?

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 21:16

I'm trying believe me! He refuses to move out. I've told him a hundred times I don't live him and that if it wasn't for our child and the one on the way I would be long gone.
He won't listen. I feel trapped.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 06/08/2015 21:17

Two options:

Accept it and work in favour of your own position within your current situation. So stop hanging around and waiting for him to come home. Have your dinner when you are ready and tell him to pick something up for himself. Don't engage.

Accept it and decide you're unwilling to put up with selfishness and irresponsibility. Part ways.

YADNBU. But there's no point in demanding he change. He can't, or won't.

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 21:18

He would say that he wouldn't mind ( which is easy to say when you've not experienced it), or he occasionally will apologise and say he was in the wrong. It never changes though.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 06/08/2015 21:23

Why do you feel trapped? If you want out of the relationship, then end it. Whose house is it, if you say he's refusing to move out?

Flaperon · 06/08/2015 21:24

I have done something similar to DH pretty frequently, i.e. said I was having one drink then rolling in at midnight. He has done the same thing to me. Neither of us consider it a problem because we are both adults, we just choose to sort our own dinner out on those nights.

The OP's DH was wrong to say he was coming back and then not coming back, but it's hardly an LTB offence, it's one fucking afternoon (disclaimer, unless this is a regular occurrence).

Romeyroo · 06/08/2015 21:32

Oh hell, don't use the children as an excuse - my dad was an alcoholic and my mum said she would have left him but she didn't want her children to be without a father.
Right, because the screaming rows, the bitterness and resentment and anger on her part were SO much better? Oh, and that she seemed to end up hating us too because otherwise she would have left?

(45 years later they are still together, he has stopped drinking but is in poor health, they bicker and argue the WHOLE time, at least they used to but I wouldn't know as I don't want to know).

Sorry if I sound harsh, but if you want to leave the man, do so. It is not easy being a single parent but much better than remaining unhappy.

pocketsaviour · 06/08/2015 21:32

OK so today's debacle is just the fetid, mouldy cherry on top of a dead relationship?

What's the living situation - do you rent, or own? Do you both work? Are the kids at school? Have you contacted a solicitor or CAB to talk about your options?

Don't just let him say "I ain't moving" and you go "Oh alright then I'll stay married." Nobody can stop you divorcing him, okay?

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 21:32

Flapperon - are you leaving each other to deal with a small child alone? Is one of you pregnant and unwell? And yes I did say it's a regular occurrence.

We jointly own the house but despite me asking he won't move out as he says he has nowhere to go. I can't afford the mortgage alone. I feel trapped because I will soon have two children relying on me. I'm not free to just up and go myself though I really want to.

My children are screwed whatever I do.

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 06/08/2015 21:37

I am a single parent, house is too small etc, I don't consider my DC screwed. Have you taken any advice, legal/financial etc in real life?

LookAtMeGo · 06/08/2015 21:39

How often died this happen, OP?

Original poster
holidaysareoverated · 06/08/2015 21:45

Lately weekly, fortnightly at best.

We've spent the majority of the past month not speaking or rowing over it.

I've tried telling him how unhappy I sm but he won't listen. He always has a justification for why I'm wrong. Yet if he becomes unhappy its a big deal and he expects me to listen and "change". He can never see that my lack of respect or care for him stem from his behaviour. It's always me that causes him to behave badly...

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 06/08/2015 22:42

Doesn't sound like he is capable of facing up to any of the responsibility being a husband and father brings. His most important relationship is with drink and his drinking buddies. He will say, and orobably bekieve, any amount if ridiculous nonsense in order to protect his precious boozing.

You need to get advice on how to rescue your most precious ones, ie your kids and you, from this misery. You can't change him, as you know. But you can change what your dcs see as normal, away from the current 'normal' of coldness and disrespect.

SonjasSister · 06/08/2015 22:46

Very nasty and a cheap ploy that he is accusing you of being 'unstable' for asking to be treated with normal respect and consideration. I hope you don't let that idea get to you. He's the unstable one, in several ways at once by the sounds of it....

AnyFucker · 07/08/2015 06:53

have you looked into what financial support you would get if you divorce ?

see a couple of solicitors for a free half hour and find out where you stand

no one, no one has to stay married these days

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2015 07:14

This is not untypical behaviour from someone like your H who is alcoholic (they are in denial and never take any responsibility) and your behaviour is not untypical of the spouse married to an alcoholic. You are just lurching from one crisis to another and alcoholism is a family disease. Your role amongst many here is that of provoker, you never forget. You're also playing multiple roles here and you're enabling this and him to continue.

His primary relationship is with drink; its not you or your children. Drink comes first and foremost and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

The children must not be used as glue to bind you to him, they should never be the reason you ever stay. They're not going to say "thanks mum" are they; they will instead wonder of you why you put him before them.

He is not above the law here and you need legal advice urgently.

Why are you together, what do you get out of this relationship?.

Are you co-dependent; that often plays out in relationships where alcoholism features. If you are only staying primarily for the children then it will not do them any favours for them to see such a dysfunctional relationship being played out in their childhoods. Did you btw grow up with similar?. Your child sees how unhappy you are and is learning from the two of you about relationships, is this really what you want to teach them?.

sleepsoftly · 07/08/2015 07:33

What sort of business has work drinking events in the afternoon. I'm amazed at that tbh.

DocHollywood · 07/08/2015 07:41

Why the fuck are you still cooking him dinners? I expect you're still doing his washing etcShock No wonder he won't leave you're making it too cosy for him!

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