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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I say to DH about this?

34 replies

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 20:48

DH has been offered a job which means a long commute and he has been mulling it over for a while but has to make a decision by tomorrow.

He was about to go to the gym and before he did, had given me a lovely hug so all was good-but just as he was leaving he asked me what i thought about the job.

I asked him what his gut told him to start a conversation about it, as instinct is important and usually correct, but he flew off the handle and said I didn't care about it, just forget it - and slammed the door and went off out.

I tried to say hang on a minute, i do care - but he didn't listen or give me a chance to explain. Just went.

How to respond when he gets back?

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 04/08/2015 20:53

The problem is you didn't answer him. You answered his question with a question. He wanted your opinion he knows his and your opinion must be important to him.
I would apologise and tell him what you think.

Ouchbloodyouch · 04/08/2015 20:53

Sounds to me like he is really undecided and hoped you would contribute more?
Don't know why he flew off the handle though. Is he usually quick tempered?

Joysmum · 04/08/2015 20:55

I don't know your DH but if this were mine it'd be right out of character and indicative he was struggling to find his way with it.

I'd be going straight over for a hug and saying we should start again with it and a drink.

Depends on your relationship and what your DH is like.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/08/2015 20:59

It must be on his mind constantly - and yours no doubt. A very long commute is a tough decision.

I would give him a hug when he gets in and make time to listen and to talk. Be honest with him about any fears you have and also about any positives.

mynewpassion · 04/08/2015 21:00

Have you both not discussed it at all? How will it affect his work home balance? How will it affect the family? Does the pay justify the longer commute and hours?

Have you not given your opinion at all while he's mulled it over?

ginmakesitallok · 04/08/2015 21:02

It is so annoying when I ask dp's opinion and instead of telling me it he asks what I think! Apologise to him when he gets back and tell him your opinion.

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:05

Yes we have discussed it before and I have gone over what I believe to be the pros and cons. I can't mKe the decision for him though as he is the one who has to do it. It is a good opportunity but he does not actually need to do it IFYSWIM. So he can choose not to do it. However, he says he doesn't really want to do it but feels he doesn't have a choice. If I suggest he does something else and retrains, he is not interested in doing that either.

OP posts:
stepsharp · 04/08/2015 21:05

He's really stressing about it and just took it out on you.

Hopefully he will be more reasonable and apologetic when he returns.

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:06

Ok I have sent him a message apologising and told him my brief opinion and we will discuss it when he is home

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 04/08/2015 21:06

What is your opinion? It clearly matters to him which is nice considering all the other toads I read about on MN on a daily basis

How many miles is the commute?

TheoriginalLEM · 04/08/2015 21:09

Sounds like he is pretty stressed about it. Hopefully time at the gym will settle him a bit and give him time to think.

jellyjiggles · 04/08/2015 21:10

Op it sounds like he wants your permission to not accept the job. Without it he feels like he must do it.

If he doesn't hate his current job, doesn't need the extra cash etc then what interested him in the job?

DH has a long commute. In the summer it's ok, in the winter it's hell on all of us.

mynewpassion · 04/08/2015 21:11

Then I would say, here's my honest opinion , X. You have to make the final decision and I will support you regardless of what you choose.

gamerchick · 04/08/2015 21:12

Well thinking of my husband and if he reacted like that I would think he wants me to say don't go for it.

Sometimes you just need permission to say no even if really your don't.

gamerchick · 04/08/2015 21:12

Xposts

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:13

The commute is an hour without traffic. He said he would have to stay away a couple of evenings a week as he does not cope well with traffic, it really stresses him out.

My opinion is that it is a good opportunity, the money is great, if it takes off it will be a bit of a niche and his pay could get higher still. On the other hand, it is a commute which will stress him, he will have less family time and he hates it.

He said he doesn't want to do it so I honestly thing he should do something different and change his career. But he won't retrain at his age so the misery continues forth.

OP posts:
jellyjiggles · 04/08/2015 21:15

IMO the financial pay off or short term gain of the experience would have to be really worth it.

Long commutes distract from work life balance over time. It puts extra strain on the partner who works near home and can be very lonely and tiring.

jellyjiggles · 04/08/2015 21:19

He sounds like he doesn't want it. There's so much more to life than money. If your already comfortable why upset it for the sake of more money and a very stressed husband who may resent you because he feels rightly or wrongly that you gave him no options.

Nonnainglese · 04/08/2015 21:22

I'm inclined to agree with jellyjiggles, I've been there and done it as main breadwinner and it nearly finished me off. I resigned after 5 years because the toll on me and DH was too great. Subsequently I found a brilliant new job, less hours and far less stress.

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:25

He definitely doesn't want it. I think he feels he has to do it as his current job expires in November and this new one is an additional 18months but further away.

I am also in the same situation in that I have been offered a job but it is a commute and i would go from full time to part time. I am not sure which way to go either.

I do believe a lot of decision making comes to gut and you have to follow it. My decision will be a gut and so should his.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/08/2015 21:28

An hours commute? Is that all?

Not very helpful op, sorry.
Wishing you luck with the decisions. Flowers

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:29

Yes John but it's the m25 which is renowned to be a nightmare

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/08/2015 21:30
  • I was on it today and dh and I agreed what a bloody shit road it is. Yes- that would be a miserable commute for sure.
JeanSeberg · 04/08/2015 21:31

What's his current commute?

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 04/08/2015 21:32

Imagine what it would be in the winter.

I think he is lucky to have an opportunity but I will suggest he does not do it.

Thanks all

OP posts: