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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Work colleague's 'd'h on pof

29 replies

TangledUpInGin · 04/08/2015 07:59

It's definitely him. No doubt about it. She's not mentioned anything about being separated, or splitting up with him. Would you keep out of it or let her know?

OP posts:

TRexingInAsda · 04/08/2015 08:02

I'd ask her - 'I saw your dh on POF when I was looking yesterday, are you ok'?

TRexingInAsda · 04/08/2015 08:05

If she says 'no can't be him we're still together' then show her the profile. Could be someone pretending to be him. (Or it might be him). Either way, it's out there in the public domain, she should know about it.

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 04/08/2015 08:06

I was thinking about asking a friend of mine who works in the same office to ask if she's heard anything about them splitting up? It's going to be horrific for her if they're still married

OP posts:

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 04/08/2015 08:20

I've a screenshot of his profile if needed. I'm going to suss out if they've split first and then tell her if they've not....

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 04/08/2015 08:24

It's not going to be any less horrific for her if you decide to start talking about the state of her marriage to third parties before telling her.

I'd tell her. Because being the last to know isn't a good situation to be in.

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 04/08/2015 08:26

You're right Stella - I'll get in touch.. Thanks x

OP posts:

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 04/08/2015 08:33

I would want someone to tell me! Poor woman...

fishfacedcow · 04/08/2015 08:35

I would want someone to tell me too.

Perhaps you can just print it out and leave it on her desk, because the messenger always gets shot!

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/08/2015 08:40

Oh God no, don't print it out and leave it on her desk! How awful, she'll think she's the laughing stock or that everyone knows except her.

Just tell her discreetly.

RealityCheque · 04/08/2015 08:41

Some people don't actually want to know. Why not just keep out of it?

Minime85 · 04/08/2015 08:45

My exh and I split up and only those who needed to know (family and close friends) we're told. For months and months it wasn't common knowledge. I didn't tell work colleagues or other acquaintances. Exh did the same. So it could be that.

If not it's a very difficult situation and be prepared to be shot as the messenger. Could you ask a close friend of her first?

Joysmum · 04/08/2015 09:18

Some people don't actually want to know. Why not just keep out of it?

Why does any one feel qualified to deny people the knowledge they need to make an informed choice about how their life?

We regularly see on MN women who's husband have been having affairs for years, years where they've wasted their prime in him when they could be open to meeting somebody deserving of them.

Why condem such women to a life committed to somebody who isn't committed to them.

Tell them, do them the courtesy of letting them decide for themselves rather than assuming.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 09:23

This is different from suspecting someone is having an affair because the profile is there for all to see.

Options are - she knows and it's all above board (either because they've separated or have agreed an open marriage); she doesn't know and it's sneaky, affair territory or she suspects and she's turning a blind eye.

Of those -the first and second are far more likely. Turning a blind eye is doubtful.

I would set up anonymous email address for one time use and send her a link to the profile. Then close the account so you can't get involved in chat anonymously.

Normally I wouldn't suggest anonymity, but for a profile - which is there for all to see - I don't think it is the same as telling someone anonymously about an affair -when that is a bit cowardly and achieves nothing because the person will have loads of questions, and would dismiss it as rubbish.

If she knows, no harm done. If she doesn't you've done her a public service. If she's turning a blind eye, then you may have disturbed her world momentarily but she can ignore it.

I'd want to know myself.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 09:35

I'd want to know too.

I can't imagine anyone would not want to know their husband has a public profile in a free dating site that any number of people who know either/both of them could have seen.

Not only that, but there are also the women who won't want to be contacted by married men on pof.

No silly games though, just, "hi, have you got a minute..?" Followed up with what Trexing said and take it from there.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 09:46

No silly games though, just, "hi, have you got a minute..?" Followed up with what Trexing said and take it from there.

I don't agree that emailing someone anonymously is a "silly game". It might be if you were just making allegations of an affair, but sending a link is what it is. PoF is a public website.

In the circumstances, given this is someone you work with, it is a better thing to do. You don't know how she will react if she doesn't know (Shoot the messenger is a phrase for a reason) and what is the point in risking your own work stability situation just because you are doing her a public service.

janetandroysdaughter · 04/08/2015 09:51

People really do shoot the messenger though. A friend of mine was dating a man I knew through work, then I saw him very openly with someone else. I asked my friend and she was so upset but really angry with me for interfering. Though people want to know, they hate to be told.

I'd try to find out if they are still together as far as she's concerned before getting involved.

CitySnicker · 04/08/2015 09:52

Doing it anonymously would be horrendous. She'll think it could be any of her friends or colleagues but will just never know. She might worry the whole office knows. Don't leave anything on her desk, anonymous email, Text, etc.

Nightboattocairo · 04/08/2015 09:52

I would keep out of it.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 09:54

SL I really meant the printing something out and leaving it on the desk.

I'm undecided about the anonymous email. I get your reasoning, but... I don't know. ..

Joysmum · 04/08/2015 10:00

People really do shoot the messenger though

I'd rather get shot as a messenger an empower a woman that to stand back and do nothing and not give her choices. A little discomfort for me VS a lifetime of blindly being shackled to selfish arsehole is no contest.

AuntieStella · 04/08/2015 10:15

"Though people want to know, they hate to be told."

I think this is very true. It avoids short term difficulty for you if you do nothing. But grasping the nettle means you do the right (?) thing by the more important first part of needing to know.

And better from someone considerate who has thought about how to broach it as tactfully as possible, than the next person who spots him there and who may be considerably more forthright.

AuntyMag10 · 04/08/2015 10:18

Am fully with Joysmum. I would tell her op and then let her decide.

SelfLoathing · 05/08/2015 22:58

She might worry the whole office knows. Don't leave anything on her desk, anonymous email, Text, etc

Definitely don't leave anything on her desk but I still think an anonymous email is a good idea.

I doubt she'll be worrying the whole office knows. I'm guessing she'll be having other more important things to worry about. FFS - if her husband is actually cheating by openly advertising on a website people "knowing about it" is really the least of it.

If that's a concern, it could be covered off very shortly:

"I came across this online. I haven't discussed it with anyone else and don't want to discuss it with you which is why I'm sending it anonymously. I just thought you should see it in case you don't know about it."

Personally, I wouldn't bother with a message at all - the link is enough and it avoids the whole work awkwardness/shoot the messenger/ maybe have misread a situation you know nothing about issues.

Jenna333 · 06/08/2015 06:58

I would find some way of telling her. My friend ended up dating a married man on PoF without realising and his wife was unaware for quite a while. She didn't deserve that.

lighteningirl · 06/08/2015 07:04

Tell her and take any fallout on the chin she deserves better than an anonymous email and please do not leave her a printout. Maybe say my friend spotted this guy just wanted to ask as I was worried someone had stolen his image blah blah blah she either deserves to know or if they have split up she deserves to know he is publicly out there.

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