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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My MIL is just odd - or is it just me?

29 replies

Blushingm · 03/08/2015 14:13

She doesn't speak to any of her nieces of nephews on her side (there are many of them)
She doesn't speak to her brother
She sulks if her other brother (who had polio and can hardly walk) and her other sister (who is aggro phobic) don't come to visit her but she won't go and see them.
I am nothing to her as last summer I didn't visit her as she started trying to discuss me and she problems when I didn't think it was any of her business. Because of this and the fact I decided to go back to college she doesn't speak to me, bad mouthed me and refuses to take care of our school if it's something to help me..............it's getting me down. DH thinks it's my fault as I didn't pop over etc and that our marriage issues are her business. I don't know what to do - she takes digs at me to ds to the point he doesn't want to go over there anymore - he's very protective of me.

What do I do! Do I swallow everything and grovel and say she's right all along and I'm terrible or do I just act like she doesn't exist to me and put up with the fact DH thinks I'm wrong and they all go over there and act like happy families?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 14:15

Not me and she - mine and DH

Not school - I meant children, sorry

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tiktok · 03/08/2015 14:17

She sounds horrible, but your DH should be the one to deal with her - is he scared of her?

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 14:43

He will do anything not to have crossed words with her - and yes, I think he's terrified of her!

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pocketsaviour · 03/08/2015 14:44

The book [http://amzn.to/1g0kdSk Toxic In-Laws]] may help you, OP.

But ultimately your DH needs to decide whether he's going to set healthy boundaries with his mum (who sounds like a typical toxic, abusive parent) or let her bully him for the rest of his life.

pocketsaviour · 03/08/2015 14:44

Toxic In-Laws Sorry fixed link

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 14:48

We've had many a 'discussion' about how what goes on in our marriage is not of her business - including our sex life, but he seems to thinks it's totally acceptable for him to talk to her and for her to take me aside and tell me her opinion whether I want to hear it or not!

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Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 14:48

I'll look at that link - thank you

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diddl · 03/08/2015 15:06

"DH thinks it's my fault as I didn't pop over etc and that our marriage issues are her business."

That's your problem.

Glitteryarse · 03/08/2015 15:09

It's her.

My mil does the drip drip drip of poison to her grandson about Sil - he is only 14.

Tell your DS he doesn't have to go and tell your DH not to discuss anything Regarding you.

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 15:23

Ds is almost 14 too

I've told DH but he WANTs her inputConfused

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 15:29

Then he's a fool.

I agree, it's not really your MIL that's your problem, it's your DH - she's certainly behind some of it and not helping the rest, but you're not married to her - you're married to him and he's not supporting you.

If my husband talked to my MIL about our sex life, I might just kill him. I can cope with the idea that he talks to her about other aspects, just; but that would be many steps too far. Angry

Joysmum · 03/08/2015 15:34

I'm bringing up my daughter to be able to talk to me about anything. Why she she not be able to speak to me about her sex life. Likewise, I can speak to my parents about anything. If anyone tried to tell me I couldn't confide in my parents they would be out of my life.

Having said that, my parents would never step into my relationship as that is inappropriate. Likewise I'd never interfere in my daughters life. It's the job of parents to empower kids, no more.

Blossomflowers · 03/08/2015 15:46

Why would you want this woman looking after your children?

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 15:49

I don't really want her to but sometimes I need it - for example I lost my mother and had her funeral but as it was to help me mil refused to have them after school so I had to leave and miss the wake so I could get home to collect dd

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Dynomite · 03/08/2015 16:02

Hmm I talk to my mum about everything,including relationship issues or an argument I've had with my partner. He doesn't get to tell me what I can talk about to my own parents.
But my mum would never do any of the things you mentioned there, she would never bad mouth my partner and wouldn't dare talk to him about anything I've confided in. She does sound like a nightmare and you are perfectly entitled to distance yourself from her. She doesn't seem to like you and she is trying to interfere in your narriage and you need to address this with DH. And if DS doesn't want to go there, he shouldn't go. At 13/14 he should have that choice.
ALso, her refusal to help with childcare in an emergency is quite nasty of her. Any caring grandparent would have helped when their DIL's mother died.

CitySnicker · 03/08/2015 16:03

Where was your husband? Could he not collect the children?

Glitteryarse · 03/08/2015 16:03

being partial to your married dc sex life is weird and creepy. Is you had a son joy and he wanted to tell you about how many girls he had shagged or if he has any wanking issues then fine, what ever floats your boat. But op has the right to engage in a private sex life with her husband with out him running off to mummy about it. WTF is she going to do ? Give him tips?

op this is hugely down to your Dh. He is not supporting you. He should gave picked his own child up so you could go to your mothers wake.

This will never change unless you leave him or he supports you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2015 16:06

What is keeping you within this relationship at all; your DH is as much of a problem as his overbearing mother is. He will likely and always put his mother over and above you, your opinion does not matter. The rotten apple did not fall far from his dysfunctional family of origin tree.

Your children are also witness to all this; is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?.

At the very least you need boundaries with regards to his mother and that would include her not being involved in any aspect of childcare. I suppose your husband did not support you in having to miss the wake either.

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 16:19

Fil goes along with her as he would also so anything to avoid upsetting her

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2015 16:24

Weak men like your FIL also need someone to idolise. He in turn sacrificed his childrens emotional wellbeing to be with her, he is really her hatchet man who cannot be relied upon either. I suppose he (or even your H) has come out with comments like, "well you know what she is like". Women like your MIL always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

But enough about them, what about you?. What is still keeping you with your H at all?.

Glitteryarse · 03/08/2015 16:25

Yep - dp family are the same. Although mil has been barred from my home so I can have a 'safe place'

Anything for a quiet life is actually enabling her to continue

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 16:39

Thank you for all your replies - I've said mil is not welcome in my home as (so far) DH has gone along with it

I don't want dc thinking this is what a loving family should be like but I don't want them to have no extended family like I did growing up..........

9 months ago dd came home saying mil was taking her ds and dh on holiday and she was sad cos I wasn't invited cos nanny doesn't like me. I hit the roof and told DH there was no way it was going to happen. He said it was just an idea, but he has agreed that it won't go ahead.......

Tbh it has crossed my mind what would it be like if it was just me and the kids and I quite liked the idea

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2015 16:49

Extended family is all well and good but only if they are emotionally healthy; his extended family are clearly not at all healthy. Your son does not want to see them and your DD has been telling you that her nan is going to take everyone but you away on some holiday.

I am sorry to read you did not have extended family in your own childhood but it is far better for your children to have emotionally healthy role models in their lives. These also do not have to be family.

Keep working on those thoughts in your last sentence.

diddl · 03/08/2015 16:53

"Tbh it has crossed my mind what would it be like if it was just me and the kids and I quite liked the idea"

I'm not surprised!

"being partial to your married dc sex life is weird and creepy."

I think so too.

In fact I think that divulging much about your relationship is odd as it involves personal stuff about someone else.

Original poster
Blushingm · 03/08/2015 17:19

Diddl that's my point to DH - it's so personal

E.g he's had a couple of erection issues, I felt it was cos he didn't find me attractive enough etc

Mil sat me down to tell me he wants to get an erection and have sex etc etc - I was mortified and furious in equal measures but still he thought this is acceptable!

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