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Original poster

You're told to "STFU!" by your DP...

50 replies

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 00:57

During a fairly one sided row. Just his tbh. There is background, bit I am skewed as to my reactions and would like to know how you would react, when trying to get your opinion over to be told that a couple of times. Thanks, really need normal brained advice xx

OP posts:
LookAtMeGo · 01/08/2015 01:03

Need to know what the argument was! Were you being unreasonable?! That phrase is horrible, and I can't imagine saying it to anyone, especially someone I love! What on earth was the row?!

AdoraBell · 01/08/2015 01:03

That sounds like an ex DP To me.

You deserve better, kick this one To the kirb.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 01/08/2015 01:12

One sided row is the key phrase.
It's not right. You'd be justified in telling him to leave.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 01:26

I'm sorry, been trying to work out what the argument was about not sure He's a twat I've long suspected but wanted to know how individuals would react. I was trying to get a word in. He was having a one sided rant at me.

OP posts:
Butterflywings168 · 01/08/2015 01:32

I would STFU...permanently, to him...and LTB. Rude and nasty and unacceptable even during the heat of a row. Thanks

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/08/2015 04:58

I'm 42 no I've never been told to STFU in my life, let alone by a boyfriend/partner/husband.

HTH.

Flowers
CantAffordtoLive · 01/08/2015 07:05

I've never had that said to me either and my Ex was abusive in many ways.

So. I would STFU and never speak to him or see him again. No ending it, no explanations, just >> gone!

Mehitabel6 · 01/08/2015 07:07

I have never had it said to me by anyone.
I would just tell him that I would take his advice- and then leave.

Mehitabel6 · 01/08/2015 07:08

After that don't enter into further discussion about it.

Joysmum · 01/08/2015 08:39

Nothing gets sorted in a row. If a discussion turns into a row I disengage and come back to it later when there's a chance it'll be constructive and not just make things worse.

Handywoman · 01/08/2015 08:44

I was told to STFU by my exH

Nearly binned him then. Should have binned him then (took me a further 3 years).

You should bin a man if he says that to you.

Ragwort · 01/08/2015 08:45

I am a lot older that TheDowager and equally have never been spoken to like that by anyone, nor have I ever said it although I can come close with my teenage DS Blush - I can't imagine staying married to someone who spoke to me in that manner.

TwoNoisyBoys · 01/08/2015 08:52

ExH used to talk to me like that...it started off gradually, within rows, and then before I know it it was part of his everyday language with me. Along with name calling and other verbal abuse. It's utterly demoralising.
Notice I say EX H.........!

NoraLouca · 01/08/2015 09:01

My experience is the same as twonoisyboys exh started by telling me to STFU during arguments then it spread to everyday, along with other names and swearing. It was quite gradual so I kind of got used to it. Not saying your DP will be like this but it's something to watch out for.

If I had a future partner who spoke to me like that I would leave there and then.

TheStoic · 01/08/2015 10:00

If anyone said that to me, I would never speak to them again. Their wish would be granted.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 11:21

Thanks so much for your replies. I have posted before, I am one of the idiots who put up with hassle a fair bit. I am finally disengaging I think. It's hard to tell after fifteen years what's right.

OP posts:
MereKaffe · 01/08/2015 11:37

Grant his wish and never speak to him again.
My x used to talk to me like that. So so glad he is my x. Dunno why i put up with it for so long.

AdoraBell · 01/08/2015 11:40

You are not an idiot. Your last sentence explains why you feel unsure whether you are right.

We can see the situación from the outside, a much clearer view. You are beginning To see it too but your view has been blocked for a long time. It will take time, be kind To yourself and maybe contact Women's Aid for some RL support.

Lurkedforever1 · 01/08/2015 11:48

I'm going to differ and say it depends on circumstances and history.
Dds father- yes, more proof of abuse cos he'd say it knowing I would stfu and wouldn't dream of speaking to him that way.
Perfectly lovely ex- not at all. He'd say it knowing I wasn't intimidated, and expect my response to be even more offensive. And knowing that on a general basis I was as likely to instigate being offensive as he was.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/08/2015 12:25

STFU is a horribly disrespectful phrase to use towards anyone, let alone the one person you're supposed to love and respect more than anyone.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 12:46

Lurked, I totally agree. It was said to shut me up. Plenty of people have said it to me jokingly, totally different. Thank you for making me realise that. It makes it worse as he's being all nice and I could cheerfully bop him one.

OP posts:
JimineyJelickers · 01/08/2015 12:52

My exP told me this, it started off just in arguments but spread to happening regularly. I should have left the first time he said it. I am so happy now that I don't have to tolerate being shouted and sworn at by some angry man. You deserve better OP. Flowers

Lurkedforever1 · 01/08/2015 13:08

My nice ex wouldn't have said it joking in an argument, but did know I wasn't intimidated by him and could give as good as I got, nor did phrases like that pop up early on before we were both very comfortable with each other and knew what limits we could go to if that makes sense?
From what you're saying though it doesn't sound a two way thing or something rooted in knowing you were ok and equipped to respond back in the same manner, so I'd be inclined from what you say to think he's being a knob that you can do without.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 13:13

I know it's not right. What depresses me is that I am one of many on here. He's nice mostly, evil sometimes. I tried to help him but you can't change what's in the dna can you? His mum is just as rude I have realised, a total control freak. I just feel sad he's done this to our kids effectively.

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 01/08/2015 13:24

Ex boyfriend and I used it as an equal footed way to clear the air, so after we were both left calm and confident etc and the row was forgotten. Biggest thing I got my head round with dds dad was the fact the evil side wasn't part of the nice man. The nice man is an act to keep you with the bad person they really are.
It's in his personality, not his dna. Nurture over nature, from his mum and his own mindset. Despite having half his genes my dd is perfect and the same will be true of your kids. I view him now as a good choice of sperm donor, nothing more. Not a pleasant journey though Flowers