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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You're told to "STFU!" by your DP...

50 replies

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 00:57

During a fairly one sided row. Just his tbh. There is background, bit I am skewed as to my reactions and would like to know how you would react, when trying to get your opinion over to be told that a couple of times. Thanks, really need normal brained advice xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 13:44

Thanks so much, I have read all of your replies. He is working today and am sitting thinking about what next tbh. We are due to be married next August (lol) and we live in a house owned half him half Mil. He is adored by all (honestly) as he is involved in a local caring role, not that that matters but I spend my whole time thinking "if only you knew!".

OP posts:

Handywoman · 01/08/2015 14:56

Men who are abusive, entitled idiots within a relationship are often totally plausible to the outside world. They can easily look like the sort who would do anything to help people. It's part of the crazy-making thing about being in an abusive relationship.

Detaching is a good thing, OP. Please whatever happens don't marry him.

whatisforteamum · 01/08/2015 15:07

Mine tells me to stfu in front of the teens.Instead of saying im tired or i will help with the chores later he boils over.He was never like this before for 25 yrs but the last 4 he has said some dreadful hurtful things.If you met him you would think he was the most helpful guy on earth.Now ijust see an angry middle aged man.I would never speak to anyone like that.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 15:08

I can't can I Handywoman? I have tried so hard to recreate the lovely family I had to grow up in, and frankly it's not worked. Which makes me deeply sad. When he said that it shattered my ideas.

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Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 16:01

I'm sorry Whatsforteamum, it's miserable xx

OP posts:

Atenco · 01/08/2015 16:11

but I spend my whole time thinking "if only you knew!"

I think this phrase is very telling, OP. I was in an abusive relationship but one of the main pointers I had for leaving was that when anyone else criticising my partner, I joined in. That is not the type of relationship you want to be in.

Start to plan your way out of this.

NoraLouca · 01/08/2015 16:18

I just want to say that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of him, they don't have to live with him. If you're not happy then that is a good enough reason to leave IMO.

For what it's worth, when I left exh I ended up in a house with nothing - no fridge or washing machine and just mattresses on the floor. It was still better than living with him and didn't take that long to get life back on track. No regrets

FredaMayor · 01/08/2015 16:30

OP, if my DP said those words to me, I actually would. When I recovered the power of speech the next part of the conversation would be me enquiring as to his future plans now that we had split up. In sounding off in that idiotic way he would have told me all I needed to know about his attitude to our relationship and how he felt about women generally. Self-control costs nothing, and swearing (IMO) is childish.

I'm certain you didn't deserve it, OP. Saying that wasn't about you, but it was all about him. He surely knows how to be polite and respectful, surely, anyone else's habits or not.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 17:24

I certainly can't live like this anymore. I have no money or job and a county court judgement pending but I don't care. I am just so grey and worn down.

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Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 17:25

It's amazing how much words damage really isn't it?

OP posts:

glasshouses88 · 01/08/2015 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 17:53

Hi Glasshouses88, thanks for your support. We met as students, he was the flashy good looking charmer who I can't believe I bagged! I got pregnant and he moved in. Occasionally he would show a side I didn't like often after drink but I ignored it. Snide remarks etc. His father died suddenly and the grief seemed to bring out the nasty in him. Since then I have excused his behaviours as down to grief. As time passed though (ten yrs) I realised I couldn't make excuses any more. We now have 3 kids and these episodes are stacking up. We had a house in joint names which we lost, his m bought our current home with her and his names. At first I was ridiculously grateful but now I have lost any equity I had or control. He will rage, or will lose his temper. He has grabbed me before. He mirrors me if I try to stick up for myself "don't be nasty.. You're the nasty one" etc. I used to have a professional level job and have now been unemployed for 5 years being sahm and looking after my mum who died in October. It's a bit grim.

OP posts:

glasshouses88 · 01/08/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 01/08/2015 18:51

Oh I can see you have been ground down, OP, but the important thing is that you will start to rise again once you get out of this situation.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 01/08/2015 19:43

I used to be high up, was assaulted and lost confidence at work but could try. I have just sat here all day while the kids run around doing nothing. It's like I'm frozen. He'll be back soon. Sometimes it makes me nervous but today I just feel flattened and can't wait for him to go out again.

OP posts:

glasshouses88 · 01/08/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MozzchopsThirty · 01/08/2015 19:58

This used to be usual in my marriage
Along with 'who the fuck do you think you're talking too'

I'm now divorced with a lovely dp who wouldn't dream of speaking to me like that

Ditch you're worth more

ouryve · 01/08/2015 20:00

He needs to sod the fuck off, doesn't he?

Original poster

Beelzebop · 02/08/2015 02:53

He's back and has been grim. He never said it and when I firmly asked him to stay on sofa was subjected to several visits, muttering, cursing etc. Now he's downstairs but I'm now wide awake at 250. Still denying it, oh and I wouldn't know his balls if I lay them on my face. ????

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2015 03:38

I would plan your exit from this, you cannot afford to show your children such a poor example of a relationship for them to replicate as adults.

Do not marry him under any circumstances. he has and also continues to put his more above you as well. I note that she rather than you has been named on the mortgage.

this is really over and has been so for some considerable time.

NoraLouca · 02/08/2015 06:30

op and anyone else who is in this kind of relationship.

Is there anyway you could go away for a bit, even just to see family with your dc? A bit of space might do you good, sometimes even just the slightest glimpse of what life could be like without him helps with making the difficult decisions. I recognize the ground down feeling so well

Do you have any old friends who knew you before you were with him? Sometimes talking to people who remind you of who you used to be will help. Even if you don't talk about your DP at all, just general chat to reconnect you to the 'old' you who used to have the professional job etc.

IME (and this is just my experience) once a bloke is in the habit of being so very disrespectful you need to leave to show you won't be doing with it. Then maybe he'll change, or not but at least by then you'll be past the most difficult stage of leaving and will be starting to get your life back. You can then decide if you want him back or not!

Sending positive thoughts, and

MereKaffe · 02/08/2015 09:48

he's gaslighting you as well. That whole black is white, white is black conversing where you go round in circles for hours. There's no point. Talk with your feet. I hope he and his mammy are very happy together.

MereKaffe · 02/08/2015 09:58

I was in a very similar situation 8 years ago. my xp owned the house. There was talk of his mother selling up, giving him money so he could move to a bigger house and she'd move in. I'd have been living in a huge house but with no rights to a single brick and my xmil's slave, his slave and parenting two small dc. I'd also had a good job once.

If you met your p at college you can't be older than 31 (is that about right).
YOu are still so young. Leaving isn't easy, in the immediate sense. Ie, it's easier to let another month pass by. But if you accept that there will be a few years where you recover, financially and emotionally and it is a journey, a tough one, but right from the first moment you're free, you begin to feel, ok, i may have a things I still need to sort out but I'm happy here reading the paper, with a cup of tea, nobody nagging me or shouting at me!

Basically just get that ball rolling while you are still young. I'm back on my feet now. When I left I had nothing, nothing except two dependants and a very angry x. But even on benefits in a rented one bed flat with two small dc I had peace, and space to recover.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 02/08/2015 10:21

Thanks, I have seen names from when I've lurked before. It feels like you lot are talking sense. He was a dick last night, up and down the stairs. Repeatedly denying he'd said it. Then muttering loudly just so I could hear him. I went to sleep , can't stay like this. Can I get housing advice free? That's my worry. I would move, but if I remove him that would be better than moving the kids. We're in a posh area and I can't afford rent here, the kids would lose school places etc. Bad enough as it is.

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NoraLouca · 03/08/2015 21:00

Beelzebop, hope you're Ok.

I don't know anything about housing advice in the UK, but CAB gets mentioned often on here, they might be worth a call? If you do decide to split up it will be upheaval for the children there's no doubt about that but in the grand scheme of things, not that bad. If you are calm and explain things to them at their level they will understand.

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