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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online Dating is really depressing

32 replies

Freakingthefeckout · 30/07/2015 18:42

I'm not hideous, I'm relatively normal and at the moment due to my job I don't get much of a chance to meet new people, so I tried match and POF. It's just been a cavalcade of people I could not see myself with and anyone I could see myself with weren't interested.

So now I feel a bit unlovable, which is a bit of a step backwards really. How do people do this without coming out of it with their self esteem in tatters?

OP posts:
MadeMan · 30/07/2015 18:55

How long have you been trying online dating? If it's only been a week then you need to give it a few months before throwing in the towel. I agree it can be disheartening though.

I didn't think OD was much cop really; seemed to be empty when I tried Match.com, I could almost hear the echo of my mouse clicks.

Pinklaydee1302 · 30/07/2015 18:56

It took me 2 years and around 50 dates to find right one Hmm

Not helpful I know but depends how much you want it I suppose.

I now have a lovely kind sweet caring mans hi I met I pof Smile

Pinklaydee1302 · 30/07/2015 18:56

*i met on pof! Damn phone Grin

MadeMan · 30/07/2015 18:57

I love reading all the phone typos on Mumsnet. Smile

itwillgetbettersoon · 30/07/2015 19:49

You have to give it time. Think how many men you would see in a pub on a Friday night and yet you might not fancy any of them. As someone else said - lots of dates are required.

Misslaura94 · 30/07/2015 20:52

Give up. Try again. Give up. Try again. You will find someone :D There are thousands of people on there so you will need to have a good rummage.

I found my perfect man on POF.

FloralTeaMug · 30/07/2015 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJorahMormont · 30/07/2015 21:03

I met DH online dating but I was quite business like about it all. One or two dates a week over a few months. I didn't waste time on the frogs - just moved on to the next date.

BoxOfKittens · 30/07/2015 21:21

I found someone after two years on okcupid. So there's another story of it taking a few years

Two years sounds like a long time but I used it on and off, having phases of not even looking at it for weeks at a time. I met a few lovely guys with whom I felt no spark. I also casually dated someone for six months but that was a bit of a disaster as he sent so many mixed messages and neither of us put our cards on the table until it was too late and I had developed unrequited feelings.

I'm really happy with my boyfriend and we now live together.

In my experience, it is better to get to know someone online a bit before meeting. Send more than just a few lines of small talk. I exchanged messages with probably 60 different people but met up with only four. If you only meet people who you are genuinely interested in then you don't waste too much time Smile

madgirlslovesong · 30/07/2015 22:02

I have been doing it two years. Had two short relationships and many many dates. Think I may have met someone - we are only a few months in, but I am happy.

NumanoidNancy · 30/07/2015 22:44

I didn't like PoF, I tried it and also Guardian Soulmates plus a few others but the one I always found really interesting and nice people on was OKC. I had a couple of nine month relationships after I was first separated from dH, both nice guys, one I am still very friendly with, we walk our dogs together sometimes, daughter loves him etc but am now seven months into a more fulfilling and exciting relationship with a lovely bloke who I also met on OKC.
There were weirdos on every site, one positively dangerous Bloke I suspect that I had a close shave with when I just suddenly got a gut feeling something was Not Right and decided not to meet at the last minute, and one who seemed cool but then turned out to be a bit scary/worrying on the second date but all the many many other blokes I met for a date were nice, perfectly wholesome and will make someone a decent partner, just not me.

You just have to give it time and meet LOTS of people.

hollieberrie · 30/07/2015 23:16

Ooh this is very encouraging :) I'm about to embark on OLD, having taken a year to recover from a big breakup. Do you do OkC on your phone like Tinder? Lovely to hear everyone's happy stories Smile

madgirlslovesong · 30/07/2015 23:19

I met my bf on okc too

MysteryMan1 · 30/07/2015 23:49

I met my gf on OLD but it is a minefield. I was just out with some people from work in a pub. All night they were on tinder - the messages being sent are unrepeatable on here (! ) but it was just a 'pass take'...Not my scene!

bambooyoohoo · 31/07/2015 00:52

I think you need to develop quite a thick skin to do online dating. It's awful having to send the 'thanks but no thanks' text to people when you just didn't click, but it's even worse when you go on a date, think it went pretty well and then get the rejection text! I went through a spate of getting dumped after the 2nd date (well, 3 times in a row) and it really knocked my confidence. However I also had a 5 month relationship which was fun while it lasted, I've had some nice evenings with half decent blokes, and I've actually made a really good (male) friend.

Just keep your wits about you, trust your instincts, but also sometimes it's good to take a chance on someone you're not sure on, you just never know. Oh, and I vote for meeting as soon as possible, nothing worse than developing a texting relationship with someone over a week or two then meeting and realising that you just don't fancy them Confused

Ouchbloodyouch · 31/07/2015 00:55

I met a lovely man on OKC. ..

elliepac · 31/07/2015 09:41

I met my boyfriend on OKC, together for 6 months now and stupidly happy. That percentage match thing they do is pretty accurate if you have both answered plenty of the questions. Boyfriend was 97% and it would appear to have panned out to be true. Keep going, they are out there. Fwiw, i know the traditional wisdom is to meet quickly but i agree with the poster who says to message a little more. I have received/chatted to loads but only been on dates with 5. Each one was lovely, no weirdos. A couple of short term flings and now a man i am in love with.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/07/2015 10:19

To tell you the truth a lot of men around a certain age (40 and above) are single for a reason...

I've tried Smooch, POF etc and Smooch met an ex-convict (violence towards his ex) and POF mostly sex related.

I did meet a lovely man on Match Affinity a few years ago but again... issues due to age.

same with Doing Something - single dad (child not living with him) but issues.

I also met a banker (can't think which site) and what a waste of time, typical stereotype!

it is bloody hard work!

LitreOfTea · 31/07/2015 10:20

that's why i'm afraid to try it OP. My self-esteem seems ok now, and ok, occasionally i worry about being lonely in the future, but I'm content and I'm scared to depress myself by internet dating. I think it brings out the worst in men, because they feel in the driving seat. Getting dates anyway. Even if they don't get a second date.

Zampa · 31/07/2015 10:26

I know 2 married couples who met OLD (My Single Friend and POF) and I met my DP on eHarmony. We've all had babies in the past 18 months.

It took me 3 years to find the one after coming out of my last long term relationship.

OLD is hard work and your ego can take a bashing. However, my little girl and great DP show it's with the effort.

Good luck!

NoraLouca · 31/07/2015 11:05

I met a bloke online after being single for nearly 3 years. Not been seeing him for very long but would never have met him otherwise so from that point of view it was worth it!
He is the only bloke Ive met from online though!

SuperFlyHigh · 31/07/2015 11:13

ah my dates... the man from Match Affinity I dated for about a year

the one from Doing Something first for 5 months then for 3 months (after a break)

but again I really would reiterate if they are single about 40 mark (if that's the age you're looking at) there is usually a definite reason why and these men don't often know it themselves. some men who are divorced/separated are exceptions to this rule as they either:-

a) want a new relationship
b) running scared from the ex-wife/DP and naturally cautious/wary

BumbleNova · 31/07/2015 11:16

I think there is internet dating and internet dating. from personal experience, the sites and the quality of the members really varies. the free ones are rubbish. I met my other half on match affinity and that was over four years ago. I had two ok dates then met him.
I think also its a case of it takes lots of effort. make contact with people you like the look of, dont wait for them. I made the first move with my now BF.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/07/2015 11:17

Bumble you may have a point there - my 2 'relationships' were from paid sites (match affinity and doing something).

POF i found a complete and utter waste of time.

Butterchunks · 31/07/2015 13:21

I found okcupid to be the best dating site by far (also tried match and guardian soulmates). when I used okc 3 years ago it was free, had a good app and gave the option to find out far more information about people than most other site. It worked well for me, I met the most amazing person through okc, 3 years on we are expecting our first child. he is my best friend and the love of my life.

my advice would be a) try okc and b) keep looking